Hold On
by marchingon
Summary: Addison has a secret she hasn't told anybody in Seattle about, except Richard. How will Derek, her ex-husband, react if almost a year later, the secret is revealed? Major ADDEK. Now COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

AN: Hi everyone! This is my first fic. I'm a huge ADDEK fan and boy do I wish they end up together. But since Shonda's breaking my heart by keeping them apart, I decided to write my own fics to satisfy my cravings for Addek. Since this is my first, I was hoping you could review and give me some tips. This is my first attempt at writing things outside required school essays so bear with me. Thank you! :)

* * *

If eleven years ago, someone told her she'd be alone at a crossroad, confused and without Derek by her side, she would have laughed and scoffed it off as some crazy statement by a jealous person. She and Derek had had everything then, and she thought she never had to worry about them ever being without each other. However, today, in the middle of a city that never stops raining, Addison Montgomery laughs at the irony of the situation as she finds herself at a crossroad, indeed alone and without a husband to speak off.

Addison sat the middle of her hotel room, contemplating how she ended up being the most punished woman on the face of the planet. Her life went from okay, to absolutely magical, to devastating, to depressing. She was not one to wallow in self-pity. But with the most recent turn of events in her life, she found herself unable to resist the call of weakness, of helplessness. She was tired of being strong.

She reached her arms out for the piece of paper that was sure to change her life. She was debating if that said piece of paper was the best or the worst thing that could happen to her after divorcing Derek—her test results. It read:

_Second stage Ovarian Epithelial Carcinoma_

Ovarian cancer.

Addison Forbes Montgomery was dying.

* * *

So what do you guys think? Please tell me if I have a future. Hahaha. Thanks! :)


	2. Chapter 1

There were some typos in the last chapter. I have no idea how edit them once they've been published. Hahaha. Here's the next chapter. I'm hoping this is better than the last. Please please please review. Thank you!

* * *

Addison had always thought she would die in the arms of someone she loved, in a bed, old and gray, with Derek by her side. She never imagined having to go through some sort of disease, let alone, by herself. It was almost as if everything she believed to be true, everything she ever hoped for as a naïve girl was crashing down, backfiring, leaving her to concede that although she has had her share of happiness, she was destined to live a life unsatisfied.

To her, satisfaction and contentment was synonymous to a certain dreamy man now pining for an intern almost 15 years her junior. Happiness was brought about having the love of her life, at the very least, noticing her, caring for her, showing any amount of concern for her well being. But alas, with the divorce finalized, she knew she could kiss true happiness goodbye. Because no matter how many times she's told herself not to, Derek would always define who she was.

The shrill sound of her mobile phone ringing startled Addison from her thoughts. She took a second to recover before reaching out for her Blackberry and pressing it to her ear.

"This is Addison Shep- Montgomery" she amended, still having difficulty using just her maiden name.

"Addie? It's Nancy.", the voice on the other line said, seemingly unsure about something. "I wasn't sure you'd pick up. We've all been trying to reach you.". She wasn't accusing her of anything. She was just worried, as all of the Shepherds were of her.

"Hi Nancy. I'm sorry I haven't been returning your calls. I was… busy", she said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "To what do I owe the pleasure this time?"

"I was actually calling to check in on you. Derek hasn't been answering either, no doubt screwing that slutty intern. And you don't get to give me the 'I'm fine' crap. You're not fine, I can sense it. And I know how you get when your emotions run wild.". Nancy always had her way of demanding things, and yet sounding so gentle, so caring.

"I'm fine, Nancy. Really I am." She tried to sound convincing, but she knew the effort was futile. "With everything going on right now, I'm surprised I haven't broken down yet. It's just.. it's for the best."

"And there's a but, right? There's something you're not telling me. Just spit it out Addie. What did my pathetic brother do this time?"

"What makes you think Derek has anything to do with this? He didn't do anything. We're divorced. He's happy and understandably moving on. I get that. I'm happy for him, actually."

"Then what is it, Adds?" Nancy's voice softened at the unmistakable emptiness she heard in Addison's voice. She'd always known Addie to be unbelievably strong. But right now, with the affair and the subsequent divorce, she highly doubted Addison's ability to stand up after Derek nearly destroyed her. "You can tell me anything, you know that."

Addison sighed audibly. She hadn't told anyone about her most recent discovery, well, no aside from Richard whom she called almost immediately after. She wasn't sure if she was ready to divulge something as big as that. She didn't know how she would take the pity she was sure they were going to feel, didn't know if anyone could respect her decisions regarding it either. However, deciding that she would have to tell someone sooner or later, she took a deep breath and started talking.

"Nancy, if I tell you, you have to swear to me not to tell anyone. You can't tell mom. You can't tell Kathleen. You can't tell Savvy. And you most certainly can't tell Derek. Do you promise?"

"I…what is this about, Addison?" Nancy felt the panic begin to rise. Addison was scaring her. She knew something was very wrong.

"You have to promise me first… and you have to respect that." Addie didn't mean to sound forceful, but that's how it came out and she was praying that by some twister of fate, Nancy would stop being stubborn for once and just promise and mean it.

With a sigh, Nancy relented. She knew there was no convincing Addison otherwise. "Okay. I won't tell anyone I swear. But god, I reserve the right to tell at least Savvy if things go out of control." Compromise was good.

Addison decided she could tell Savvy, but was hoping she could do it herself before Nancy did. She wasn't planning on hiding it from Savvy any way.

"Alright. Don't freak out." She paused, as if contemplating how to say it. "You may want to sit down first, though."

Nancy moved to sit down on the couch, all the while fumbling with the hem of her shirt, a habit she did whenever she was nervous. "I'm sitting. Now will you tell me what's going on? My heart feels like it's gonna pop out of my rib cage soon."

Addison closed her eyes and started.

"I've been feeling really dizzy the past couple of days and my back's been bothering me. At first I thought it was because of the numerous nights I've been spending on on call rooms and all that jazz, but the Chief insisted I go for a check-up. So I went downtown for a quick one, and one test led to a result, then to another test, then to another result and another and another and another until they found out what was wrong with me." She paused as Nancy took a deep breath, no doubt trying to calm herself. "Nancy, there's no easy way to say this but…. I.. I'm sick." Addison finished, waiting for Nancy's reaction.

"Sick? What do you mean.. sick?" She finished stuttering a bit, closing her eyes as a feeling of dread washed over her.

"I have cancer, Nance. Second stage ovarian cancer."

Addison had to pull the phone away from her a bit, hearing Nancy ramble on, panicked.

"Cancer? What do you mean you have cancer? You're sick and you don't me to tell anybody? You actually expect me to sit around and be quiet, watch you die? Addison! What has gotten into you? I won't, I repeat, I won't do that!" Nancy nearly screamed, exasperated and just ready to shake some sense into her sister-in-law.

Addison closed her eyes. She didn't expect Nancy to react this way. She had expected her to take things calmly, to think logically, to be the optimistic one.

"Look, you promised me you wouldn't say anything after you bugged me into telling you. I'll call Savvy in a while, after I've sorted things out. But you have to trust me Nancy. I think I know what I'm doing.".

"I know it's just… so much to take in." The logical side of her was starting to return. "What are your treatment options?"

"Nance, that's kind of the thing here. I…" She sighed again, as she continued. "I'm planning to go back to New York in about two weeks."

"You'll get treatment here? That's a good idea, Addie. That way you'll actually be in a city you love, with people you love and love you back. Plus there are better doctors out here, right? We're all here for you."

"Nancy... I don't exactly plan on getting treatment."

"What do you mean, Addie?"

"I'm planning on moving back to New York and just... enjoy the last of my days there."

* * *

Now what do you think? I'm getting really anxious about this. I'm so nervous about this feeble attempt at writing I think I may go crazy. Haha.


	3. Chapter 2

AN: Hi! Thank you all for the awesome reviews! :) They made my day. :) So anyway, here're the next chapter before Addie goes back to New York and the real drama starts. Please bear with me, I think my plots are gonna be slow-moving until I figure what exactly I want to happen. I have a lot of choices and I can't seem to decide which one I want to incorporate in the story. If you got any advice, please please please, I would love to hear it.

This is a pretty short chapter, btw. :)

There. Thanks so much and ENJOY!

*I own nothing. Though I wish I do.

* * *

The conversation with Nancy ended with the New York end crying and the Seattle end begging Nancy to keep her word. Nancy was hysterics about Addie's decision and made her promise to at least think about it, to which Addison had agreed. Everyone knew that once Addison had set her mind on something, there was no convincing her otherwise.

That was another confrontation down. After the Chief and Nancy, all she really wanted to tell about her condition were Savvy and Archer. There was no one here in Seattle who would care. Well, possibly Mark, but she couldn't hurt him again. She didn't expect anyone else to understand her choice regarding treatment.

Addison walked confidently down the hall to the Chief's office. She had mentioned to him in passing her plan to move back to New York. Her right hand absentmindedly rubbing her left ring finger, her thoughts flew to Derek. She wondered if he would notice she was gone. After the divorce, they had only shared polite pleasantries and occasional consults. She wasn't ready to talk to him about anything other than work, and he wasn't, or rather, Meredith wasn't ready to see Derek friends with Addison.

In her most lucid of moments, she can admit to herself that she missed Derek. On other occasions, she just pushed any thought of him to the back of her mind. She missed him. She missed their playful banters, their passionate lovemaking, the way his eyes seemed to speak to her, his smile, and the way he brought her juju before hard surgeries. He had always been her constant. And it seemed so fucked up that even after all the shit he had put her through here in Seattle, she was more than willing to give him another chance if he happened to ask for it.

Adjusting her skirt a bit, she knocked on Richard's office, and when she heard his voice beckoning her to come in, she opened the door and walked towards him.

"Addison" he said, his voice full of compassion.

"Chief" she smiled as she moved over to give him a warm embrace. She had always thought Richard to be her second father. The man always looked out for her welfare and he and Adele considered her and Derek their children.

He motioned for her to take a seat as he positioned himself behind his desk. "How are you, Addie?"

"I'm actually feeling pretty good, Richard. I haven't had a chance to think things thoroughly but I believe nothing has been clearer in my life than this. You already know my decision."

"How could a man forget his star surgeon, his daughter, asking to go back to New York to basically die there?" he questioned, looking at her with a pained expression. "You're like a daughter to me, Addison. And I get why you're deciding to go back to New York. What I don't get is why you're deciding to end things. Why are you giving up without a fight? That's not the Addie I know. The Addie I know never loses hope. The Addie I know is _strong_."

Addison shifted her gaze to the ground. She knew her decision would send a message about her being weak. She inhaled deeply. "Yeah, well, maybe I'm tired of being strong. Maybe… maybe the Addison you know is gone." She said the last part in a whisper. "I've changed Richard, since Derek, since Mark.. I'm just not the same."

"I know you've changed. Anyone who has to go through something like that would definitely change. But I expected your change to be a positive one. I was expected you to be stronger. As hurtful as this is to hear, you've changed from independent, strong, confident and talented to someone akin to a weepy housewife who begs her husband not to leave her. And that's not you Addie. You know that as well as I do." He was right, and she knew it. But there was a fine line between being _independent_ and being _alone_.

"I hate being weak Richard. But sometimes… sometimes knowing when to let go is strength too."

He sighed. It saddened him that Addison was strong-willed as ever, but strong-willed to die.

"Have you told anyone yet?" he said, trying to get his mind off of her letting go.

"Nancy called yesterday. I spoke to Savvy this morning. She's arranging a room for me at her complex."

"And?" urging her to continue.

"And they're both asking me to think about it before it's too late."

"Nobody wants to see you die, Addie. As hard as it is for you to accept it, people love you. People care for you."

There was a thoughtful silence that settled between them. Richard never thought that Addison's zest for life would ever dull. She was always so energetic that it pained him to see her give up so easily. It was probably the result of how badly Derek treated her. At the thought of Derek, he cleared his throat and Addison's green eyes looked up at him.

"Does Derek know?"

That was the million-dollar question. Addison sighed heavily. "I'm not planning to tell him. I don't want him to know."

His brows knit in confusion. "Why not?"

"I'm afraid, I guess. I don't know how in the world he's going to react. I don't think I can take seeing him happy about it or indifferent about it. Because basically those are the only two possibilities: happiness or indifference."

"You have to give him more credit than that, Adds. You were married for 12 years. Even he can't be that dense. I know you don't see it but he cares for you. He'll always care for you. He asks about you, you know? He's told me before he wants to be friends."

"If he wants to be friends with me so badly, why isn't he making any moves? He's just trying to be the good guy again, Richard." she countered, pinching the bridge of her nose as she started to feel a headache coming on.

"He's scared, Adds. He's in a transition state. He wants Meredith, but he wants you too. I know you'll make some snappy retort but it's true. He's conflicted. He may very well still be in love with you. He's scared you won't accept his friendship, and he's scared of Meredith's reaction. Meredith's been through a lot this year. He just doesn't want to hurt her."

"So it's alright for him to hurt me but it's not okay to hurt his precious Meredith?" Sighing, she started to feel conflicted. _He loves me and he loves Meredith_. _I can't compete with that. I refuse to be second best. _"I don't want to cause any trouble between them. They've both sacrificed a lot to be with each other, I'd be sorry if they ever break up permanently. I can live without him, seeing as I don't have much longer to live anyway."

Richard looked at her sympathetically. "It's a choice, Addison. You have a choice to live or to die."

"I've chosen Chief. And I plan on sticking to that choice. I appreciate your concern though."

If there was anything that saddened Richard more, it was the underniable defeat in her voice. It was clear to him, the way she was handling her life; it was Derek or nothing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that week, Addison found herself in the Attending's locker room, clearing out the last of her things. She hadn't told anybody, and strategically avoided seeing Derek. The conversation with Richard weighed heavily on her mind, and they had agreed for her to leave by the end of the week. There would be no fuss about it, she would leave quietly and Richard would find a replacement for her position. It hurt her to see Richard's disappointed face, but it would hurt her more to see Derek's reaction, whatever it may be. Whether Derek was sad about or indifferent or happy, it would still hurt her. But she knew what she was doing. She wasn't going to fight this that thought, she walked out the door, out of Seattle Grace and into her future. Addison was going home.

* * *

So.. what do you guys think? Like I said, this is the last chapter before all the drama so stay tuned. :) Thanks to all those who reviewed! :)


	4. Chapter 3

AN: Hi guys! Here's the latest installment for Hold On. I'm still trying to decide what I want to happen in the end. There's so much drama I want to put in but it might be too much. Hahaha. Thanks to all those who reviewed, by the way. And I'm sorry the plot's pretty slow moving, still. Stay with me. Hahaha. There. Enjoy!!

I own nothing. :|

* * *

"So…. Care to tell me why, when I paged the head of neo-natal for a consult this morning, some raggedy old woman came up to me instead of my ever charming ex-wife?" It had been a week since Addison left, and sure enough, people were starting to notice the absence of a beloved presence, especially at the NICU.

"Derek. Good morning to you, too" Richard said calmly, continuing to walk towards the cafeteria hoping to grab a cup of coffee.

Derek walked alongside him. "Good morning, Chief. Now.. care to tell me why? Did Addison take a break? Because her replacement is killing me. She's a little… demanding."

Richard raised his eyebrow at him. "You're telling me Addison wasn't demanding?"

"Well.. she was.. but in a charming way. You know that. But you're avoiding the question." Derek stated, getting a bit serious. He looked expectantly at Richard.

"You can say that Addison has taken an… indefinite leave of absence." Richard was hoping he'd have this conversation with Derek in a private place. He wasn't ready to break the news to him. After all, if Addison was his daughter, Derek was also his son.

"A leave of absence?" he questioned. "An indefinite leave of absence?" he repeated, knitting his eyebrows in confusion. He was missing a piece of the puzzle.

"Yes. She went back to New York. Listen, Derek. I was hoping to have this conversation with you in private, seeing that this is a rather important piece of news. How about I meet you at my office after my 2:30 surgery and we'll talk about it?"

Derek looked at him, the seriousness of his voice weighing down on him. Something told him this was going to be big news, so he simply nodded and walked the other way. He was trying to figure out why Addison had gone back to New York. She had told him once before that she didn't plan on leaving any time soon. And that if the time comes that she deemed it fit to leave, she would tell him about it, regardless of their situation. By the looks of it, Addison had not intended to tell him, and he was disappointed. Not that he had any reason to be, really, because he'd done the same thing to her once before.

Lost in thought, he walked aimlessly across the hospital, somehow ending up in the NICU where her replacement was filling out charts. _Addie used to do that_, he thought.

"Derek!"

He looked up at the sound of his name, seeing Meredith heading towards him with a gentle smile on her face. He didn't want to deal with her just yet, with his emotions running wild.

"Hey" he said softly, looking up at her as she stood before him.

"I hate to be straight forward but I have my shift starts in a while so...A rumor's been going around that Addison's left Seattle. Is that true?" she questioned, looking up at him.

He looked at her, almost debating if he should confirm or deny it. He closed his eyes a bit before answering. "I'm afraid it's true. But I don't have any details for you. The chief and I are going to discuss it later today," he answered. "I can feel that there's some sort of… story behind it. Something must have happened for her to leave so quickly."

"I don't mean to sound gossipy any more than I already am, Derek, but I heard some of the nurses talking about her sudden departure. They say she's getting some sort of treatment at a facility in New York or something. I personally think she's getting fertility treatment, but that's just me." She sounded so unsure, like she didn't trust herself to talk to him about Addison.

"Well if that's true, then I hope she's happy" he said earnestly, trying to hide the pain that was slowly washing over him. She was moving on, without him. The very thought of her living the dream they used to share hurt more than any insult could. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to have that baby with her. He _was_ in on forever. But he couldn't blame her for moving on. It would be selfish of him to wish that she'd stay in love with him for the rest of her life.

"Yeah. Are you… Are you okay about this? I mean.. I understand if you're feeling overwhelmed or….something. The divorce was only finalized 6 weeks ago. You should mourn a bit." Meredith knew that his moving on was a little forced. It wasn't normal for him to be starting a new relationship so soon. She understood that no matter what, Addison would always be a big part of his life, and she respected that. Sometimes she felt sorry for the woman. But she also had this nagging feeling in her head that Derek was just using her, and she was a willing partner.

"I'm.. okay. Right now. I still have to confirm things with Richard, though. But.. I don't know. I guess I'm done mourning. I've mourned for our broken marriage since she screwed my best friend. But I'm moving on," he said, trying to sound convincing.

"If you say so." There was a slight pause before Meredith started speaking again. "Anyway, I have to skidaddle. Bailey's got my ass if I'm late for rounds. I'll see you tonight at home?" she smiled while touching his shoulder a bit.

He nodded before planting a meaningless kiss on her cheek. _This is going to be a long day_, he thought, before heading over to the Neurology wing to continue on with his day.

After what seemed like forever, Derek's pager beeped, signaling his meeting with the Chief. He walked, trying not to think about the rumors. If indeed Addison had started to move on without him, to start a family by herself, he would be happy for her. Even if it pained him. Deep down, he knew he still had feelings for Addison. However, he would never admit it. His pride had always taken the front, and that was the reason he had pursued Meredith after the divorce. After she had divorced him, he mustered up all the dignity he had left and pursued the young blonde. It was as if he wanted to prove something to people. But the months dragged on and he couldn't bring himself to forget his wife. Well, ex-wife by that time. But he also couldn't let Meredith go because of some innate need for him to be the good guy. It was his downfall.

Reaching Richards office, he was greeted by Patricia who opened the door for him, saying that the Chief had been expecting him. He thanked her and gave her one of his signature McDreamy smiles before heading in to the office.

"Ah, Derek. Sit down, son. We have a lot to discuss."

"Thank you" he said, before moving to sit on one of the chairs.

"Let's not beat around the bush. I'm just gonna go and say it. Addison has moved back to New York for…..personal reasons. She asks that I do not disclose the reason why, but I assure you that it is valid. She also asks that you don't try to contact her. She will contact you, if necessary," he said, eyeing Derek so he knew better than to disrespect her wishes.

"Can I get a… clue as to what exactly she's doing in New York? I mean, I've heard gossip that she's having fertility treatments done at a local OB-GYN clinic. Is there some… truth to it?" he questioned, needing to hear more information about her. He would respect her wishes, yes. But he had to be assured that she was fine.

Richard sighed. He knew full well Derek would ask questions of that sort. "Derek. She's in New York, but no she isn't getting any sort of treatment." After all, there was some truth to it.

"Then what is it? Is she coming back?" he asked again, slowly getting frustrated that he wasn't getting much out of the Chief.

"She isn't coming back Derek. I hope she can come visit by the end of the year…." His face was purely pained. "But I can only hope", he finished.

This time it was Derek's turn to sigh. If Addison didn't go back to New York for treatment, there was only one more reason she could have gone back. "Did I do something, Richard? Did I.. offend her in any way? Not notice her enough after the divorce? Did my pursuance of Meredith affect that decision? You have to tell me because I have a right to know. If I did something, I should at least apologize. As her friend, at the very least. Please." he pleaded, looking at Richard with a haunted expression. He would never forgive himself if he drove Addison away again. Never.

"It wasn't you, son." Richard tried to reassure him. "It was her decision, and we _will_ respect that. There are some… aspects.. of that decision I don't exactly agree with myself. But it's her life. And though I would very much want to fly to New York at this very moment to plead with her, the rational side of me tells me that she isn't going to budge. She's stubborn."

"I know she's stubborn. But if anything happens to her… god… if anything happens to her I would blame myself."

Richard looked at Derek thoughtfully. "You still love her, don't you? And don't give me that 'I'll always love her' bs. You're still in love with her, right?"

Derek was taken aback by the question. He wasn't expecting this conversation to take that turn. He was suddenly at a loss for words. He knew the answer all too well, but he couldn't just admit it, right? Surely there was some hard and fast rule about loving your ex-wife after you've treated her like crap. But alas, it was true. He was still in love with his ex-wife. Addison was still the love of his life, no matter how much pain they've caused each other.

"I guess I do." He had said it so softly that Richard wasn't sure he said anything at all. But the look on his face gave him away. He was still hopelessly in love with his ex-wife, and it pained him to see her move on, to not have her within a drive's distance. Her being so far away was another squeeze to his already wounded heart.

Richard nodded, looking at him gently. "If you really love her Derek, you'd let her go. You have to learn to let her go, and you have to start now." Richard didn't know what possessed him to say that, but he realized the value of Derek's moving on, even if he had no clue about Addie's situation.

"You're right, as usual. But… is it wrong to still have feelings for her? I mean, after all the crap I've put her through, people would think I've stopped loving her and forgotten about the 15 years we've shared together."

"You were hurt, Derek. And to some extent, it was understandable for you to treat her the way you did. But we all have our limits. You've crossed yours.. and hers as well. But you'll make up for it sooner or later. When the right time comes Derek, you'll know what to do next."

Derek only nodded. "And another thing, Derek. I'm sure you're aware that you're a front runner for the Chief of Surgey position." Derek nodded again. "Well then. I suggest you start showing the board why you're the one for the job... I'm retiring soon and the board's going to start discussing it."

Derek looked up at him, more emotions running through his body. He was going to be chief soon. He didn't if he was going to be happy or sad. It was bittersweet, for he'd always wanted the position, but it was also the reason his wife had screwed his best friend. He simply nodded, again, in acknowledgement and moved to stand up.

Richard stood up, patted Derek on the shoulder before showing him out.

Richard reclaimed his earlier position behind his desk, burying his face in his hands. If Nancy and Savvy weren't able to convince Addie otherwise, maybe Derek could. After all, Addie and Derek were two of a kind. They were both hopelessly in love with one another, but were too stubborn to act on it. He would give her a silent ultimatum. If she hasn't received any form of treatment within six months, and Derek hasn't moved on, then he would tell Derek. Maybe, then, there would be a difference. Maybe then, Addie would decide to live.

* * *

Sooo... how do you like it so far? Please let me know. Thanks! :D


	5. Chapter 4

AN: Hello! Thanks for all the reviews, guys! Here's the next chapter. I'm currently writing a couple of chapters ahead and while I was angrily (sorry, that was the chapter's mood and I sort of got into it a lot. haha.) typing away, I had a sudden rush of ideas and now I couldn't decide which one I want to incorporate into this story. So it basically means I'll be trying to write more if this fic turns out good. I'm still deciding if I'm going to kill off Addie and put in a lot of drama, and make her and Derek live happily ever after. What do you guys think? Anyway, enjoy this chapter. The next one's pretty long (a total opposite of this one) and I hope you guys stay with me.

Thanks also to everyone who's been putting Hold On on story alert. It encourages me a lot. Thanks guys!

*I own nothing, once again.

* * *

Savvy stared at the road as her hands, firmly gripping the wheel, started turning white. She was on her way to the hospital. It had been four months since Addison, her best friend, had come back to New York, and through all those four months, she and Nancy had been trying to convince Addison to get treatment. It got to a point when Addison couldn't take even the slightest of hints for her to get treated, but Nancy was not to be intimidated. She matched Addison's attitude that night, and it turned out to be a pretty nasty fight. Nancy was feeling guiltier by the day about keeping this secret, even from her husband, but she knew it was Addison's story to tell. Savvy, in the meantime, had been talking with various doctors about possible treatments in the different stages of ovarian cancer. She was getting some positive responses but in the end, she knew Addison would have to make the decision for herself.

She sighed as she rounded the corner. She had only told Weiss about the situation, and made him promise not to tell anyone. It was starting to burden Savvy, and she almost felt like she was murdering her best friend by omission. She couldn't believe how Addison went from strong to broken in a matter of 6 months. She could honestly kill Derek Shepherd right now.

Interrupted from her thoughts, her mobile phone rang and she reached towards the passenger seat to grab it, putting it on loudspeaker.

"Hello?"

"Savvy? How is she?" It was Nancy. She had been calling regularly to check on Addison. They hadn't spoken since their fight, but it didn't mean Nancy cared any less for her.

"I'm on my way to the hospital right now, actually. Addie took the bus this morning to visit some old friends. She kept on rambling about how it'd be the last time she'd see them."

Nancy, leaning against her kitchen counter, sighed audibly. "Has she been to any check-ups?"

"She has. The cancer's… the cancer's advanced to its third stage. It's killing her slowly."

"Third stage means a spread to her abdominal area, right?" Nancy had been doing her own research regarding Addie's disease. She and Savvy had both been doing what they could to keep track of it.

"That's what the doctor said. I was with her during the exam. She seemed so… passive. Like she doesn't even care. I think she's getting those check-ups for our sake, not hers. I think she feels guilty about forcing us into keeping quiet."

"It's a pretty big load to carry. And… I don't know.. I've been contemplating on telling mom about it, actually," Nancy said quietly. She wasn't sure how Savvy would react to her cracking.

"Nance… you can't do that. We promised her." Savvy knew she was the only person to stop her Nancy from spilling.

"Yeah, well, I have a bigger duty to her, Sav. We both do. We need to tell someone before it's too late. Have you thought of the consequences this would have for us if she dies? People would blame us. And I for one would blame myself. I would spend the rest of my life praying that I'd done something to save her."

"I've thought about that too. But… have you seen her these past couple of months? She's been happy. And I mean truly happy. Like the whole Derek thing never happened. And you have no idea how many times I've wished to see her this happy again." Savvy was in a tricky position. She couldn't betray her best friend by telling her secret to someone other than Weiss, but she couldn't just stand there and watch her die.

"I know she's happy. I just wish something else would make her this happy. Something—"

"Someone. You mean someone right?"

"I suppose."

"Derek's moving on. But if he happens to find out about this and would want to take Addie back, I know it would make her happy. And even though I sometimes want to kill Derek with my bare hands, no offense Nance, I would push for it."

"None taken. Listen Savvy.. the chief's been calling me periodically and he's been asking about Addie. I tell him what I know most of the time. But last night, he called me and we did the routine thing but then I could sense he was starting to get antsy. I asked him what was wrong and all and told me he'd given Addison a silent ultimatum of some sort. If Addie doesn't get any form of treatment two months from now, he'd take it upon himself to call Derek."

"Wow." Savvy thought about what Nancy said for a moment. She was trying to think if it was going to work. They couldn't betray her, could they? Was it still considered betrayal if she was really just looking for her? She went with the flow."Well.. how about we do the same thing?"

"What do you mean?" Nancy questioned.

"If Addie doesn't get treatment in the next 2 months, we tell… I don't know… your mother?"

"Mom could definitely talk some sense into her. But…. Don't you think two months a bit… far away? The cancer could have advanced too much by then. It could be too late to operate."

Savvy pursed her lips in thought. If Addison's cancer progresses too far to save in a matter of two months, they'd have to tell someone sooner.

"How about this.. We wait a month. If she doesn't get treatment, then we call your Mom. If your mom can't talk sense into her, I'm sure she'd take it upon herself to find someone who would. And I'm also sure that that 'someone' is going to be Derek."

"You honestly believe my pathetic brother can change Addie's decision?" Somehow, Nancy doubted it.

"Your pathetic brother happens to be Addison's one true love. And if Derek can't persuade her, no one else can."

Nancy recognized the truth behind Savvy's words. Only Derek can make Addison _feel_. He could make her the happiest woman on earth, and the most self-destructive one in just a snap. Derek was Addison's weakness.

"You're right. I guess I'm just pissed off that Derek has so much power over Addie. I mean, he destroyed for god's sake, and yet he can still dictate her life? It's unfair. Derek doesn't deserve a woman like Addison. Even Mark was better for Addie. At least Mark cared."

"Or, Addison's better off without both of them."

"Touche."

"Anyway Nancy I gotta let you go. I'm about to enter basement parking to pick Addie up. But you'll call Richard about our plan, right?"

"Yup. I most definitely will."

"Great. Come over some time. I'm sure Addie misses you."

"Okay. You take care of her okay? And call me if anything comes up."

"I will."

They both said their goodbyes and hung up. Once parked, Savvy went up to the NICU, finding Addie as expected. She was leaning on top of an incubator, her finger held captive by a three-day-old preemie. She looked so peaceful. Addison was starting to make her peace with everything she was going to leave behind.

Savvy cleared her throat and Addie looked up, smiling.

"Oh hey Sav! I didn't think you'd be here this early," she said as she put the incubator back to it's proper place. Addison had grown thin and frail these past months. There were dark circles under her eyes and her paleness was unnerving. She looked nothing like Addison Forbes Montgomery.

"I got off work early. Weiss is gonna work late, so it's just you and me tonight."

"That sounds good. Just let me grab my things and we can go." Addison started to walk towards the table but she was suddenly overcome by a wave of dizziness.

"Addie? Are you okay?" Savvy sounded concerned, rushing to her side and helping her stand straight.

"Yes I'm fine. That was just… unexpected. But I'm fine," she lied, still feeling the dizziness lingering. She knew it was the beginning of the end.

"Okay…..", Savvy said, unsure. She guided Addison to a chair before picking up Addie's things and throwing it over her shoulder. "Let's go.", she instructed. "Let's get you home."

Addison was grateful for Savvy's constant presence. It felt good to be cared for. She realized that she missed the feeling of being fussed over, being genuinely loved. She knew, though, that Savvy was burdened by the secret. She had noticed Savvy's puffy eyes each time she came over unexpectedly.

"Savvy… I just wanted to say thank you for doing this. For all of this. I know it's hard for you, but I'm glad you're doing it anyway."

Savvy just nodded, feeling the tears build up. She didn't want to deal with this right now. She just wanted to get Addie home, to make her happy. But she wasn't sure she could hold up for much longer.

Later that night, as Addison lay in bed, she thought about Derek, no doubt flirting with Meredith at that very moment. It was still very painful for her to even think about DerekandMeredith. She had always been used to DerekandAddison, and if her pride would let her, she would have made sure it stayed that way. But in the end, her pride told her that she was worth more than Derek was paying for. She knew she could do better, and that caused her to shove the papers into his hands, angrily asking him to sign off the 12 years they've had as a couple.

She reached over to the nightstand where her mobile phone lay. She had contemplated many nights before about calling Derek; casually ask how he was and all. But she knew her voice would give her away. She didn't trust herself to not have her voice crack, to not cry into the phone, to not beg him to come to New York and take care of her. Because really, all she needed was to have Derek by her side and she would be happy.

But tonight felt different. Tonight she wanted to do something crazy, to live a little. Tonight, she just wanted to feel at home.

Closing her eyes and ignoring the pounding of her heart, she dialed his all too familiar number and hit send, pressing the phone to her ear before she could decide otherwise. The phone rang for what felt like forever until....

"Hello?"

* * *

Okay. That was my attempt at a cliff hanger. Hahahaha. Whatever. :))

The next chapter is coming up soon so hang in there. :) Thank you for reading, everyone! :)


	6. Chapter 5

AN: I'm sorry for the cliffhanger in the previous chapter. Hahaha. I was tempted to update a bit later, but I was too excited about this chapter that I just had to post it. Hahaha. While I was typing this chap, something else took over and I realized I was deviating from my original plan. But it's gonna work out okay because I found a way to insert drama, but not over do it. :) So there. Enjoy this chapter and I'll be updating soon. :)

*I do not own Grey's Anatomy. If I do, things would be very different, starting with Meredith staying dead after the ferry boat. XD (Just an idea. Haha.)

* * *

Derek's life was at a standstill. He didn't feel like he was moving forward, like he was making any major choices or getting anything done. The last time he had done something that felt right was when he and Meredith mutually decided to call off whatever relationship they had outside of work. They both knew he was still in love with his ex-wife and they had eased themselves into a tolerable routine, only speaking to each other for consults. But that had been nearly four months ago, after his talk with Richard. And now, as he nursed a bottle of scotch in his tin can of a trailer, he reflected on whether he'd been making the right decision of respecting Addison's wishes. If he wanted Addison back, he sure as hell had to start from _something_. Be it a visit, a phone call, an email, anything that could bridge the gap between them a bit. But he wasn't moving. He wasn't sure if he was ready for rejection. He wasn't sure if it was right to call his ex-wife and ask how she was. In the end, there were so many things he was unsure of that it nearly drove him crazy just thinking about her.

And then suddenly, as if the gods were smiling down on him that night, the object of his affection, and consequently his confusion, seemed to have been thinking about him too. His mobile phone vibrated against his back pocket, the ring tone reserved especially for his wife filling the silence. The shock barely registered and in one swift movement, he was standing up, giddy, and answering the phone.

"Hello?"

"Derek? I….. I didn't think that you would actually pick up." She sounded so unsure, shocked even. "This is Addie, by the way."

He would know her voice anywhere. More than the 12 years of marriage, it was the way her voice made his worries disappear that led him to memorize it. Her voice was his melody, drawing him to her unconsciously. "Addie. Hey. How… how's New York?" he asked, still not believing that after four long months, she finally made contact with him.

"New York is great, Derek. Just… great." She didn't sound enthusiastic, but he didn't want to push her into anything, so he ignored the lackluster in her voice.

"That's good. That's wonderful.", he emphasized. "You're practicing?", he asked curiously.

"Umm.. yes actually. I'm having so much fun back at work. I never thought I'd miss Mt. Sinai this much." She didn't know why she had to lie to him about work, but she knew she couldn't tell him otherwise because then it would lead to questions, questions that would trek a dangerous path for her. She cleared her throat at the pause that enveloped them. "What about you? Any interesting cases?"

"There's a bunch of interesting cases flocking in now, actually, especially with pregnant women. Apparently, they heard the best worked at Seattle Grace. Imagine their surprise when we had to tell each one of them that Dr. Montgomery was no longer part of the team." He wasn't trying to accuse her of anything. He was just trying to convey to her how much everyone missed her. Everyone, especially him.

There was another pause that enveloped them. Neither knew what to say to each other. It was almost as if they had used up all their 'conversation points' during their 12 year marriage, that now it seemed so hard to keep the ball rolling.

Addison sat on her bed, staring at the wall and fumbling with the end of her covers. She sighed. "I'm sorry, Derek," she whispered softly. "I'm…. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving."

Now it was Derek's turn to sigh. "It's okay, I guess. I mean.. we were never really good with goodbyes anyway."

"Yeah," she agreed, silently holding back the tears that were threatening to fall.

Derek sat down on the trailer's bed, looking somber. He wanted nothing more that moment than to be right beside Addison, holding her close and whispering sweet nothings to her. He wanted to take care of her.

"Was there anything you needed, Addie?" he asked finally. It wasn't that he was rushing her or anything. He just wanted to hear her voice again.

"No actually. Not really.. I just called to ask how you were," she lied again. But really, she called because she missed him very much.

"Oh. I'm.. I'm good."

"That's great. That's good. Absolutely good." She licked her lips, trying to convince herself that it was indeed over between the two of them and she should expect nothing less that his moving on. But she had to ask somehow. "How's Meredith?" She blurted it out so quickly, Derek had to repeat her question in his head.

Derek knew just asking that simple question pained Addison. Even though she tried to send the message that she was moving on, he knew she hasn't one single bit. But he also knew she wasn't ready for a relationship with him, knew that she had to start healing before she could be happy again. Little did he know though that whatever Addison was going through topped any sort of question about Meredith.

"Meredith's good. I think."

"You think?" she asked, confused.

"We haven't exactly spoken to each other in a while. We're just colleagues now.", he said, trying to gage her reaction.

Addison couldn't believe her ears. She had literally given up their marriage so that her husband could be with the blonde intern, and now she finds out they're not even together? She didn't know how she was feeling. There was a myriad of emotions coursing through her. She was happy and elated and frustrated and angry all at the same time. She couldn't decide which emotion she wanted to dominate her body.

"You're. Not. Together.", she said incredulously, emphasizing each word as if she were talking to a child.

"Yeah we're not…. Addie are you okay?" he questioned. He thought she'd be happy about this. Well, not happy, because he wasn't really sure how his ex-wife felt about him at the moment.

"You're kidding me right? You have got to be kidding me. You have to tell me this is some sick joke. Derek!" She was beyond upset.

"What do you want me to say Adds? That we're together even though we aren't?"

"I don't know.. I just. Uh." She groaned in frustration. She had not expected him to say that. In fact, she didn't expect them to not be together at all. She thought Derek was happy with Meredith, and now he tells her they're not even together? She was confused and angry and hurt and sad. She couldn't believe she had given up her marriage for a _fling_. "I can't believe you Derek. I can't believe you let her go!"

"It wasn't working out, Addie." He was starting to feel his negativity building up.

"It was supposed to work out. You were supposed to fight for her. You were supposed to make sure you stayed together _forever_. You were supposed to be her fucking McDreamy. I mean. My god. You said you loved her."

"And I do. I do love her. Just not the way I thought I did. I made a mistake, Adds. A really big one. But I'm just trying to move forward."

Addison felt the world spinning around her. Derek's indecisiveness was showing yet again. It saddened her to think that she had been replaced by a fling. A fucking fling. A fucking one night stand turned 'relationship'. This was definitely not the Derek she married, not the Derek she fell in love with. And the fact that Derek had changed hurt her more than anything.

"I… I have to go.", she said, wiping angrily at her tears. "You.. go and be happy. I'll call again sometime. Don't try to contact me. I'm just.. I don't even know how to put it, Derek. Just take care of yourself okay?" making a move to hang up.

"Adds, I'm sorry. I really am. I mean, it's been four months and I miss you and I just want to hear your voice. Please." He was pleading, begging the love of his life to grant him five more minutes of her time. He was lonely, lonely since Addison had left him, and he just needed someone who loved _Derek_ and not McDreamy.

"What do you want me to say, Derek?"

"Just say you trust me. That you want me to take whatever challenge there is to make myself happy. I want to know you want me to be happy."

"But I do want you to be happy" she countered, sighing as she did so.

"Then say it Adds. Say you want me to be happy and command me to do whatever it takes to be happy."

"Fine, Derek. I want you to be happy and I command you to do whatever it takes to make you happy." She paused before continuing. "Because I do, Derek. I do want you to be happy. Especially now that….." she trailed off, the words of her reality almost rolling off her tongue.

"Now that what?" he urged. "Now that what, Addie?"

For a moment, Addison contemplated whether or not to tell Derek. But she knew that if she did, he would try to convince her to get treated. And she couldn't resist Derek. It would take all her willpower to deny him anything.

"Now that… now that we're divorced and all.", she said finally.

"Thank you.", he said, knowing full well that there was something Addison was hiding from him. "How's…. how's the treatment going, Adds?" He had been dying to ask her about her plans on getting pregnant.

Addison panicked. Did she hear him correctly? Was Derek asking about treatment? Did Richard tell him? Or maybe Nancy or Savvy? No, she had to play it cool. She couldn't give him any hint. Not that it mattered though, because Derek knew her inside out and he'd find out eventually.

"What do you mean treatment?", she questioned, trying to sound nonchalant. However, inside, her heart was beating triple time.

"Well… there was this rumor going on about you getting fertility treatment and all. I just assumed it was correct." He barely said it without stuttering. Even the very thought of Addie pregnant with a baby not his made him shiver.

Addison breathed a sigh of relief. But that relief was quickly replaced with confusion as what he said dawned on her. "Fertility treatment?" She could go with the flow, couldn't she? "Oh that. Yeah. Actually I…. I found out I couldn't have…. Have children.", she said. It wasn't exactly a lie. She had gone to LA for fertility options and she was told she couldn't have children. Besides, with the ovarian cancer she was now playing host to, she doubted any chance for her to conceive.

"Oh.. I'm sorry to hear that.", he said automatically. But as the realization dawned on him, Derek didn't know if he was going to be happy about the news, or totally devastated. He was relieved she wasn't going to be able to have a family by herself. But it devastated him to know that, seeing as he planned to get Addison back, they wouldn't have any chance to have their own children. He closed his eyes. Clearly, there was too much information being tossed between them and it started to make his head spin. "I mean. I'm sorry you couldn't… couldn't conceive. I knew how much you wanted to have a baby." He was sincere.

"Thank you, Derek. But.. it hardly matters anymore. I mean, how would I even raise a child in the state I'm in? I'm divorced, alone, working insane hours at the hospital. It would be… unfair. Right?" She didn't know what possessed her to ask for his approval.

"You're right, I guess." It was hard for him to think straight with all the information they've just divulged to each other. He needed to change the topic, to detour from personal lives to a neutral topic. "So…… you live at the Brownstone?" _Wow Derek, nice topic. _

"No actually. I put it up for sale. My agent's trying to sell it but not a lot of people are looking into buying houses this time of year. I'm staying at Savvy's complex now. There was an apartment that was vacated when I moved back so I took it. It's close to Nancy's. You remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. Uptown?" He smiled. She had always been someone who wanted to be close to family.

"Yup! You know me."

There was a comfortable silence that prevailed between them for a few minutes. They both felt at _home_. It had been long since they both felt that way.

"Anyway…"

"So…"

Addison sighed, finally. "Derek.. this doesn't change anything, okay?"

Derek pursed his lips sadly. This was a start, at least to him. He was determined to get Addison back, to grow old and gray with her, to live his life knowing he made Addie happy. "It does, Addison.", he said firmly. "At least to me, it does. Look, I know we're both at.. weird places right now—"

"Weird doesn't even begin to cut it, Derek." She was a bit taken aback by what Derek said.

"Okay fine, beyond weird. But I love you. I do. I love you. I know I've done so many stupid things in the past year, the stupidest of which was letting you go. But god. I'm willing to work this all out because I realized that I still love you. That I'm in love with you. That I want to spend forever with you."

Addison's jaw dropped. She was dumbfounded. It took a moment for her to regain her composure. "Derek. Where in the world is this coming from? I thought we were both moving forward?" This revelation put Addison in a difficult situation. If Derek still loved her, was she willing to get treatment for him? But what if he finds another woman and decides he's tired of her? She couldn't risk that.

"Let's just say I had a bit of a soul-searching thing. If you want, we can take this slow. We can take this slow and I'll do whatever it takes. Please, Addison. I'm asking you to…. I'm asking you to give me the chance I didn't give you. I'm asking you, even though I know I don't deserve it, to give me a chance to prove to you how much I love you. I promise, I promise I won't mess up this time just. Please." He was begging, the desperation evident in his voice. He didn't know what made him say it that night, but he knew he had to soon, before she found someone else.

"This is… too much to take in right now. This is… god. Derek. You're throwing all this at me right now? I mean. I've begged you to say those things, all those _right_ things for the past fucking year. And you're doing this now, after we've divorced? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you drunk? Did you and Meredith get into a fight? No. Just. No, Derek. I refuse to… I refuse to be second best!" She huffed angrily. She couldn't believe Derek had the audacity to say all these things now, now that she finally found her backbone and decided to do things her own way.

"But you won't be second best! You'll be my wife. The love of my life—"

"I've heard that before, Derek."

"The love of my life.", he continued, as if he wasn't interrupted. "And I know I haven't given you any reason to believe me, but this time, this time I promise. Just give me a chance to prove this all to you."

"Until the next anti-Addison comes around, right? Until you get tired of me again and push me to the side? Until another 'educational surgery' or 'important job title' or 'dream' comes along right?" She was breathing heavily now. She wanted nothing more than to strangle Derek. She was having a hard time refusing him but the rational side of her knew she couldn't get hurt again.

"No! It's not like that. It won't _be_ like that." He sighed. He knew there was no convincing her tonight. But at least the ball was in her court now. He would leave her to her thoughts for a while, maybe do a couple of sweet things for her. He just knew he had to convince her. "I know… I know I hurt you, Addie. And I'm sorry." Gone was the escalating argument. He spoke so gently, Addison had to strain her ears to hear him. "I'm sorry. Sorry isn't enough, I know. But…. I'll wait. I'll wait for you Addie. You're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I'll wait for as long as it takes. You're worth the wait, Addie. You're worth every sacrifice, every heartache, every tear. You're worth it." He closed his eyes, his emotions getting the better of him. He was on the verge of literally crying.

"It's… not that easy, Derek. Some things… some things have changed and.. I can't be that woman anymore. I can't make you happy. Not when…. Not when…." At that moment, she wanted nothing more than to tell Derek. Tell him about her cancer so they could live happily every after, before it was too late. But she couldn't. She didn't know what she wanted anymore. She thought she knew what she wanted, but right now, she was unsure. "… Not when I'm different. I'm not the Addie you used to know."

"But I love you just the same."

"I love you, too, Derek." , she said quickly, hanging up the phone right after. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing anymore. Her sobs increased as the conversation she had with him weighed down on her. Derek loves her. She loves him. But she couldn't hurt him again. Not again, not after she'd decided to give up. It would disappoint him, and she couldn't live with the fact that she hurt the man she loved yet again. She sobbed until her chest hurt and her breathing became ragged. She was lost.

Derek stared at the phone while the dial tone filled the tensed silence. He couldn't believe she hung up on him so abruptly. He was angry. Angry that she judged their third try to be doomed, angry that she thought he wouldn't love her after she'd changed, angry at himself for even letting her go in the first place. He picked the bottle of scotch he was drinking and threw it against the wall. He picked up everything he could within a foot's radius and threw them all so forcefully that he felt the need to release. He stomped angrily to the tiny bathroom and punched the wall, punched the mirror, punched his reflection; the reflection of a sorry excuse for a man. He punched anything he could til his knuckles bled, letting out all the frustration, all the anger, all the disappointment he had kept cooped up in his heart. He fell to the floor, sobbing and shaking and cursing. He was a heart broken man who felt like he ruined his life, ruined his marriage and hurt the love of his life for a fucking fling. He was an ass, a selfish bastard, and he knew it. He hated it. And he swore, from that day forth, that he would do whatever it takes to redeem himself, to get her back, to get her to see the man she fell in love with.

* * *

So far, that's the longest I've written. Please review! Thanks.


	7. Chapter 6

AN: Hello everyone! Sorry it took a couple of days to update. I had this idea for another fic and I just had to write it before I lost the inspiration. Check it out if you have time. It's called By Your Side. :) Anyway, here's the next installment. It's shorter (I think) but I'm getting into this whole thing. I promise Derek's going to find out soon. :)

*I OWN NOTHING. :|

* * *

Addison had always been an excellent judge of character. Ever since she was young, she knew better than to gallivant around town and be friendly with everyone. The people thought she was just some snobbish rich girl who had everything, but in truth, she was just being careful.

There was time, when she was around 8 or 9, a clean-cut man in his early 20s came over to her and asked her if she wanted to play with him. Because she found it a bit odd that a man twice her age was asking her to play, she politely refused and ran as fast as she could home. It turned out be a good move because the man was later arrested for child pornography. Another time, was she was 18, fresh from high school and irresistibly gorgeous in college, a junior football player asked her out, but she declined because she had her suspicions. The football player turned out to be a drug addict.

She has had more of those 'live-saving' experiences as she grew older, all because she was suspicious, and could easily tell if the person was worth her time just by looking into their eyes as they spoke. That sort of trait she possessed led her to a tight-knit circle of friends. She knew she could count on all them, knew they all looked out for her welfare, knew they were all loyal, all _true_. A lot of the decisions she had made in her life were slightly affected by her friends' opinions. From Savvy, to Naomi, to Nancy (whom she's known before Derek), to all the friends she's kept in touch with since high school, she valued their opinions and closely considered all of them.

Derek knew this. He knew that if there was a way to get Addison back, to win her heart and make her love him again, it would be through her friends. So two days after the rather core-shaking conversation with Addison, he called Nancy.

It had been a rather eventful two days for Nancy. She had to drive to Savvy's house because they couldn't get Addison to eat, let alone to get up from bed. She kept on murmuring something along the lines of 'stupid bastard', 'selfish brute', 'good for nothing McDreamy' and a bunch of other expletives. It had been hard to convince her to eat, and they had to practically shove the chicken soup into her mouth before she had anything to eat. The day after that, it was the same thing all over again that by the time the third day came, Savvy knew how to handle Addie and Nancy went to work, a million things running through her mind.

Nancy was busy at the hospital after being late for work for two days. She was trying to catch up on her missed patients when her beeper sounded and signaled a phone call. She walked hurriedly to the Nurse's Station and smiled at the nurse before picking up the phone.

"Who is this?" she said, not bothering to sound pleasant.

"Good morning, Nancy.", he said sweetly.

"Derek." She said it so flatly that Derek had to fight a grimace. "What do you need, obnoxious little brother?"

Ignoring her insult, he said, "I need a favor."

"This, Derek, is very typical of you. You call and you get all sweet only when you need something. Only when you're going to benefit. And quite frankly, it doesn't work with me anymore seeing that you've forgotten about your family here in New York. Even mom won't take your side on this one so save the excuses."

"Nancy-pants. Just listen to me."

"Well by all means, talk then. I don't have all day for your pathetic whining." Nancy rolled her eyes.

"Why are you so angry at me? What did I do now?" He was starting to get angry.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Are you seriously asking why in the world I'm angry? Do you need me to spell it out for you? You ignored your wife, you left New York, you drove to Seattle, got a girlfriend, treated your wife like shit, dumped her, divorced her, ignored your family, stopped any form of contact with your siblings, stopped any form of contact with your own _mother, _and basically use us to your convenience. I get to be angry, Derek.", she huffed loudly.

Derek didn't expect that from Nancy. He and Nancy had always been close, but he got her all worked up now. "Nancy."

"No, I'm not finished yet. And here you are, _calling_ me because you need some favor? That's rich coming from you Derek. What, your slutty intern get a bit _too_ slutty, now? Or did you get tired of her too, like what happened with Addison? Tell me, Derek, which one is it? Hmm?" Nancy had never been this angry at Derek before. It was probably all the emotional build-up in her after Addie told her her secret that caused her to lash out at Derek that way. After all, it was his fault that Addie was giving up in the first place.

"No, it's not like that. Meredith—"

"Don't call her that."

"She has a name."

"She doesn't deserve to be called it.", she said spitefully.

"Nancy. It's hardly her fault. She didn't know. I'm to blame okay so don't drag her into this."

"Stop defending her."

Derek sighed, exasperated. "Look, would you just listen to me for three minutes? I'm trying to ask you something which I hope would put me back into your good graces, oh great and almighty one."

Nancy chuckled. No matter how much he hated her brother at that moment, she couldn't despise him if he called her something akin to a goddess.

"Okay fine. I may be laughing right now but I'm still mad at you. Now talk. I have patient to meet in a while."

"Thank you Nancy. Really." He paused, gathering his thoughts. He was going to drop some big information bomb on his sister; he was entitled to a bit of nervousness. "Okay. Here it goes. I'm just going to go right out and say it okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do this. Okay." He cleared his throat. "I broke up with Meredith, Nancy."

"That's it? You called to say that? And what a big surprise that is, really.", her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You never let me finish. What I'm trying to say is I broke up with Meredith because… I'm still in love with Addison."

"You have a pretty funny way of showing it, Derek.", Nancy snorted.

"And I want to win her back."

"You're a little late, Derek."

"What do you mean?" Derek was confused. He refused to think the worst.

"I mean, you're too late. No reading between the lines.. you're just really too late."

"Has she moved on?" he asked, panicked.

"No." Nancy sighed.

"Then what? Tell me."

"I can't tell you Derek. But you're too late."

"I can't be too late, Nancy. You have to help me. You just have to."

"Why? So you can break her heart all over again? She doesn't deserve it."

"I'm not going to break her heart again. I promise. Just.. please help me. I'm at my very bottom right now. And I need someone on my side. Just this once."

Nancy heard the desperation in his voice. Derek never liked begging. His pride always got in the way. "What do you want me to do?" she said in a non-committal manner.

"I'm planning to woo her again, Nance. You know, the old fashioned way, but with a modern twist. I can't exactly go to New York every weekend, but I was hoping you could be Derek for a while, until the Chief gives me some time off. Just send her flowers and chocolates and cards and a bunch of other sweet things. I have a lot up my sleeve 'cause I've been thinking about this for a while. Be my messenger for a while. Please."

"You mean Mark part 2, right?"

"No. All of the things are gonna come from _Derek_. And I'm going to come over and call her and email and do all those things—"

"Stop right there, Derek. Didn't she specifically ask for you not to call her?"

"Well…" he said sheepishly, "I was planning on breaking that rule."

"No, you don't. You're not going to disrespect her wishes. She's been through a lot. For all you know, she doesn't even wanna talk to you."

"What do you mean she doesn't want to talk to me? She just called me the other night."

"She what?" Nancy couldn't believe her ears. "She called you? Speak now, Derek Christopher Shepherd", she demanded.

"She sort of called me… and then words were thrown and revelations—"

"Revelations?"

"Like about me and Meredith and about her fertility treatment going bad. Look, to make a long story short, we yelled at each other because I was tactless in confessing my sudden change of heart. And she hung up on me because she was so frustrated with me."

Shock registered on Nancy's face. "You fucking asshole! I knew it had something to do with you! She didn't get up from bed for two days because of you! Because of that stupid phone call! Once again, Derek Shepherd, you hurt her! You're there in Seattle, living the life of a _bachelor, _while Savvy and I are here trying to pick up the pieces of what's left of your ex-wife!"

"I hurt her? How could I have hurt her by saying I love her?" Derek was incredulous.

"Don't you get it? You're such a _man_! You hurt her because she's been waiting to hear you say whatever lovey dovey crap you give her for a year. A _year_, Derek! And now that you're divorced you say it so freely? Tell me what the hell is wrong with that equation."

"Look. I'm sorry. I realize that was tactless. That's why I'm asking you to _help _me."

It took a moment for Nancy to keep her emotions at check. She really was getting too involved in her brother's marriage. If she didn't love them so much as a couple, she wouldn't be doing this.

"Fine."

"Fine?" Derek raised his eyebrow.

"Yes, fine. I'm going to help you. What do you want me to do?"

Derek went on with all his plans, Nancy giving occasional approvals and suggestions. She didn't know what possessed her to help her little brother. She knew it was only going to hurt them both. But she couldn't help wishing that whatever her brother was planning to do would help Addison and convince her that treatment is worth a shot.

Meanwhile, Addison was at her apartment, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. She had not eaten for the day. She couldn't consider what Savvy shoved into her mouth this morning as eating because she barely had a spoonful. She wasn't hungry. She wasn't thirsty. She just wanted it all to _stop_. Ever since Derek's phone call, all she could do was _think_. The night she cheated. The countless nights Derek chose surgery over her. Her failed marriage. Meredith. DerekandMeredith. The non-existence of DerekandAddison. Mark. Her Cancer. Death. The Chief. The Christmas Derek told her he was in love with Meredith. The day he called her an obligation. The night she called him. His voice. His sorrow. Her confusion. His revelation. His love. Her reaction. Her anger. Betrayal. All of those thoughts swirled into her head that it made it impossible to think clearly, to find an explanation. All she could think about was the confusion.

And so she lay there, more determined than ever to give up. She knew Derek was bluffing, playing with her again because he knew how much power he had over her. But even if he wasn't, she couldn't allow herself to get hurt again. If she allowed herself to fall for him, she knew she would have to give in to treatment. And what if he left her again? Then she would live a longer life alone. She couldn't take that. She was afraid. She was no longer Addison Forbes Montgomery, strong and independent. She was plain Addison, afraid and alone.

She had decided; decided she couldn't wait a whole year to die. She had to go _soon_. She just wanted to confusion to stop. So she could finally rest, finally find peace.

Anyone who would've known what was going on inside Addison's head would think she was a woman going crazy. And in a way, she was. Addison was getting crazier by the day. But then, they would also see a woman broken. Too broken and afraid to open her heart again to someone who would actually care for her. They would see a woman who has fought hard, lived a life people would only dream of ever living. Addison believed she has lived her life. And that it was _time_.

* * *

Reviews are lovely. :) Thank you. :)


	8. Chapter 7

AN: I PROMISE GUYS HE'S GONNA FIND OUT SOON. :)

* * *

To Savvy and Weiss, Addison seemed to have bounced back to normal. Well, as normal as could be after Derek's phone call. It seemed as if all the flowers that flooded her apartment were working wonders with her disposition. Maybe it would help convince her to finally get treated.

Addison had told Savvy that she would spend the weekend at the Brownstone, for closure's sake, before it got sold. Savvy had been supportive about it, hoping it would encourage her to find something worth living for. So Addie packed her overnight bag and walked from Savvy's complex to the brownstone she loved so much. She hadn't been back since she packed her bags and flew to Seattle, which was a hurried affair because she just had to get _away_ then. Savvy had been the one to grab her things to be moved to the complex, so in essence, she hadn't ripped the band-aid off of her brownstone stitches.

She stood outside the brownstone, on the steps adjacent to the front door. Looking up at the place she called home for the past 11 years with Derek, she sighed, thinking about how she'd messed up badly. She took a deep breath and approached the door, putting the key inside the keyhole and turning it, opening the door and entering. It all felt _familiar_. She had not been back for almost a year, and yet she smelled Derek's cologne lingering in the hallway, the smell of laundry and the spaghetti he used to make. She felt at _home_. And she hadn't felt that way in a while.

The tears were threatening to spill as she felt her knees weaken. Everything was exactly the same. Her futon couch was still against the cream wall. Their wedding picture still hung next to the beautiful vase Derek had given her as an anniversary present. The throw pillows she had carefully selected still graced the loveseat in front of the TV. Everything at the brownstone held a memory. Everything at the brownstone was so carefully thought of so that it was _perfect_. And in a way, it was all perfect, all neatly set-up for a couple once wanting to spend forever with each other. But that was a long time ago, and if it weren't for the Mark incident, she would have had a chance to restore the perfection of the place.

Addison sighed as she set her bag on the floor, walking towards the kitchen, admiring every inch of it. She used to love sitting on the counter as Derek whipped up something fabulous for dinner.

_"Honey, you should stop eating those or else we're not going to have any left to cook," he said warningly, eyeing the carrots Addison was happily nibbling away._

"_Your pasta is going to be delicious even without the carrots." She smiled cheekily at him. He smiled back, but took the chopping board away from her and settled it beside the pot. She pouted._

"_Mmmhmm. But then I wasn't going to make it too delicious anyway. It would take the glory away from dessert." He grinned at her suggestively, and she took the hint, laughing a bit. _

"_You're a naughty man, Derek Shepherd."_

"_That's only because you're irresistibly gorgeous Addison Shepherd."_

_They had just moved into the brownstone and finished unpacking about two weeks before. This was their first home cooked meal, and Derek wanted to make things extra special. _

"_I know. It's the reason you married me.", she said charmingly._

"_No. I married you because you're rich and you could afford to buy me the new TV set I've always wanted.", he joked. He loved seeing her face contort into an expression of false anger._

"_I'm appalled, Doctor. And here I thought you married me because you loved me." _

_He laughed heartily, stirring the pot before moving over the counter where his wife sat. He hugged her, burying his face in her chest as she wrapped her arms around his head. _

"_I love you Addie." He whispered it so softly that Addison knew he meant it. _

"_I love you, too." They stayed that way for a while. "And if you're nice to me," she whispered into his ear, "I could make dessert the best one ever." _

"_Well then. I better be treating you like a princess, hmm?" He kissed her playfully on the lips before moving back to add the carrots into the pot. _

"_No. More like a queen." _

_He chuckled. "A queen." He walked over to her again. "You're my queen." She giggled as lifted her off the counter and tickled her sides. "You're my queen and I love you." _

Startled by her thoughts, she shook her head and walked towards the living room. _His queen, _she thought bitterly. _The queen of passive aggressiva. _She looked around the living room, admiring with a dull pain the drapes that hung on the windows. She and Derek had argued between the difference of mustard yellow and lemon yellow the day they chose those drapes, and she purposefully hung those drapes as often as she could because she loved their playful banters.

She sat on the futon couch, remembering the countless nights she'd spent lying there, waiting for Derek to come home. She didn't know what possessed her to do these _things_ here, to end things in the place where it all started. She wanted nothing more than to end every sort of confusion there was, to cease the pain and just let peace take over.

Over the weeks, Addison had turned frail, pale and with dark circles under her eyes. She looked nothing like the made-up Addison _Forbes_ Montgomery everyone knew her to be. She was thin, her weight decreasing by twenty pounds or so in the last few weeks. Her eyes had lost the sparkle they once possessed, and her bones were practically sticking out of her body. She looked sick in every way, something she allowed to happen since that phone call with Derek. He had said that he loved her and wanted to try again. But she couldn't give him that chance. She couldn't risk it. Besides, if he wanted her back, then at least she could spend the last of her days happy.

Her health was in poor condition. The cancer had advanced to her abdomen. She had been feeling dizzy, vomiting once in a while as she felt immense stomach pains. She started bleeding at night and she knew that was taking a turn for the worse. But that thought didn't stop her from sneaking in a bottle of scotch, tequila, red wine, or basically anything with alcohol into her room at night. The thought didn't stop her from drinking half of its contents each evening, drowning her sorrows. The thought didn't stop her from buying those pills at the drug store, telling the friendly clerk that she had trouble sleeping because she was coughing every night.

So with a final glance at the window, she stood up, grabbed her bag and went up into the bedroom. She held her breath before opening the door, noticing how everything was just as it should have been, save for the two occupants who were supposed to be inhabiting the place.

_"I was thinking," she said, as she finished putting on nail polish on her toes while sitting on the bed, Derek watching TV, "that maybe, we should take the day off tomorrow."_

_Derek raised his eyebrow at her. It was late at night and they were just lounging around before going to sleep. "And then do what?"_

"_I don't know. Spend time with each other." _

_He smiled at her. He adored how much she loved spending time with him, and he cherished those moments when it was just the two of them, no worries, no hospital, no anything. "How do you suggest we do that, Doctor Shepherd?"_

_She laughed a bit. "I was thinking we should walk around the city for a bit. Then take the circle line or go up the Empire State Building. You know… just two New Yorkers enjoying New York. We haven't done that in a while."_

"_Or maybe, we could spend the whole day at home, then have dinner and watch a play after. How does that sound?" He looked at her suggestively._

"_What do you propose we do at home, Derek?" She leaned into him, teasing him with light kisses on the neck. _

_He moved his head up a bit so she could continue trailing kisses across his neck. "We can… play."_

_She momentarily stopped her teasing and looked at him curiously. "Play?"_

"_Yep. Play. Play Scrabble. We haven't played that in a while. Or Monopoly. I miss playing Monopoly without Mark buying all the hotels. Or maybe we can play----OW!" He was interrupted by a pillow being playfully shoved in his direction. "I'm serious Addie!"_

"_Yea, well, too serious for my liking." She stuck a tongue out at him. _

_He laughed as he pulled Addison so he was on top of her, kissing her forehead lightly. "Then what kind of play do you suggest?"_

_She was about to answer when the landline started ringing, and she groaned as she pushed Derek off of her and answered it. _

"_Shepherd." _

"_Addie-bee?"_

"_Dad?" Her dad calling her was a rare thing. _

"_Did I interrupt anything?"_

"_No, Derek and I were just getting ready for bed." Her dad sounded a bit off, and that made her worry. _

"_Bee, there's something I have to tell you sweetheart."_

"_What is it?"_

"_Your mom and I… we're getting a divorce. But before you react, I just want to say that it has been a big burden released for the both of us. We're both… different now. We've changed and all we do is fight these days. And I know I don't make her happy anymore, but that's the only thing I want for her; happiness. I don't expect you and Archer to understand so soon, but what I need is for you to know that we have made the most out of our 37 years together." He was met by silence on the other end of the line._

_Addison was speechless. Her parents were never the sort of couple to fight, at least not in front on her and Archer. They were the couple everyone wanted to be. And it hurt her to think that after nearly four decades, they were going their separate ways. She didn't know what to say. _

"_Honey are you still there?"_

"_I…I'm still here dad.", she said quietly. _

"_I know this is hard for you. But I believe it's for the best."_

"_My parents are getting a divorce. My parents… Oh dear god. How did this happen? When did you decide? And why did you decide without asking Archer and I about this? I mean… dad! I thought we were a family. A family! And then you go blurt the news out like this like we're playing some kind of game?" She was beginning to panic. She couldn't believe it. She refused to believe it. _

"_I'm sorry bee. But your old man just wants to live in peace."_

_She sighed. She knew her mother could be quite a handful, but she also knew that they were in love. Well, at least she thought she knew. _

_Derek moved to Addison's side and gently led her to sit on the bed. He heard her mention divorce, and he knew how much it meant for Addison to never have to experience a broken family. _

"_Could I… could I have some time to process this first and then I'll call you back? I mean… I wasn't expecting this at all so I'm pretty shocked and I might say something I'll regret so… Could I at least gather my thoughts for a while?" _

"_Sure honey. But remember, this makes your mom and I happy, relieved and at peace. I just want you to be happy for us."_

"_It's gonna take a while for me to be happy seeing my parents separated but… whatever. If it makes you happy Dad then maybe it'll make me happy too."_

"_That's good enough for me. Give my regards to Derek, will you?"_

"_Yea."_

"_Okay. Bye Addie-bee."_

"_Bye, Dad."_

"_I love you. And take care of yourself."_

"_You too. I love you."_

_She hastily hung up and stared at the wall. Her parents, Beatrice "Bizzy" Forbes and Anthony Montgomery were getting a divorce. After 37 years of marriage. It was so surreal. _

"_Do you want to talk about?" she heard Derek whisper. _

_She shook her head. "Not really. I just have to… let it sink in for a while. You go… watch TV first and I'll… I'll think about it." _

_Derek knew she wanted to be left alone, and it was best if he left her to her thoughts for a good ten minutes before trying to talk to her again. They were at a time and place when communication wasn't a problem. He walked to the other side of the bed and stared at the ceiling as Addison paused to gather her thoughts. _

"_You'd… you'd never leave me, would you?" She asked quietly and yet so suddenly that Derek had to strain his ears a bit. _

_He scooted over to sit behind Addison and hugged her, allowing her to lean on him. "I would never leave you, Addie." He kissed her head._

"_Because… well… my parents are getting a divorce and now all of a sudden, everything I believed to be true about love and marriage are crumbling down. I mean, my dad promised my mom the world. But look at them now."_

_At that moment, Derek understood her fear. She was speechless because she idolized her parents' relationship and wanted the same for her marriage. He wanted to reassure her. _"_Your mom and dad are very different people. And you and I are a different couple from them. We fight, we scream, we yell and say horrible things. But your parents were never one to fight in front of you, to raise their voices and be angry for too long. They're different from us. And I promise you we won't end up like them. Couples aren't always how they seem, you know. We may sometimes look like we absolutely despise each other, but we both know we feel far from that. Your parents are an opposite case."_

"_But they seemed so happy." She was distraught. _

_Derek didn't have an answer to that. To him, Addie's parents did seem happy, and it must hurt like hell for her to question what she believed in. _

"_If it makes you feel any better… my parents… they used to always fight with each other, but at the end of the day, they made up and we all knew they loved each other deeply. We knew that no matter how big their fights were or how loud their yelling got or how out of line their words were, they would always find themselves together. After dad died, I knew mom was depressed. But she tried to keep it from us kids. We heard her cry though, every night, talking to herself as if she were talking to dad. But she hurt real bad, and up until now, I know she misses him. I'm sure she would give up anything to have him back. So you see Adds, no matter how happy or how angry people seem to be, they're not always how they feel inside. In the end, we're all just searching for a way to be happy. And your parents realized how much happier they are and how they hurt each other less by separating." _

_She was thoughtful for a moment. "What about us, Derek?"_

"_We," he said, holding her body close to him, "are going to make it to forever. I promise. No matter how career-oriented we both are or how awful our tempers seem to be, we're going to make it and we're going to stay married. Because I know for a fact that I can't live without you. That you're the only reason I wake up each day, and you're the reason for the smile on my lips each time I go to bed. I love you Addison, and we're going to fight like hell to stay together. I promise." _

His promise kept replaying in her head as she set her things down, moving to the bathroom to get a glass of water from the tap. She filled the glass and walked towards to bed, opened the bottle of sleeping pills and poured a little less than 20 pills into her hand. She sighed. _This is it_, she thought. She slipped her shoes off and shakily swallowed the pills one by one. She was down to her last one when she noticed a picture of her Derek on the bedside table. She grabbed it and kissed Derek's picture softly before laying down on the bed. This really was it. This was the end of Addison Forbes-Montgomery Shepherd. She closed her eyes and waited for the much needed peace to overtake her.

The cancer wasn't the one killing Addison. It was her grief, her hopelessness and her lack of belief in a greater happiness. The cancer, and not even the sleeping pills, was not responsible for the inevitable death Addison Montgomery was facing. It was her lack of _faith_.

The last thing Addison heard before she slipped out of consciousness was Savvy's strangled but dim cry for help.

* * *

Okay don't kill me. But please review. Let me know what you think. :)


	9. Chapter 8

AN: Thank you for all the reviews. :) They're all lovely. And Derek's gonna find out in this chapter so... Yea. Enjoy!

(I don't own anything.)

* * *

Savvy had come over to the brownstone to drop off some dinner for Addie. She knew well that Addison needed some forcing to eat, so she dropped by just to make sure that she did. She took the liberty of using her set of keys, as she didn't want to disturb whatever Addison was doing. She had originally planned on just leaving the food on the kitchen counter, but something in her gut told her she _had_ to see Addie and tell her she dropped in.

She wasn't blind to Addison's pain. She knew how much her friend was struggling. After all, it was human instinct to want to survive, to live. But Addie's inner emotions had dominated her rational side. She pitied Addie. Her best friend didn't deserve any of the things she was going through. Sure she had done her own share of messing up, but she was a good person inside. Fate was definitely playing a big trick on Addie.

Climbing up the stairs and heading to the master bedroom, she wondered what went through Addison's head each day. Was she scared of dying? Was she ready for it? Was she truly hopeless? Did she feel alone? She sighed as she reached the bedroom door. There were no answers to her questions right now.

She opened the door, and what she saw before her shocked her and scared all at once. In front of her was Addison, lying on top of the bed, seemingly asleep. Beside her, an empty glass of water and an empty bottle of sleeping pills. She only needed a moment longer to figure out the equation and she immediately screamed her name out, rushing to her side.

"Addison! Addison, do you hear me? Addie wake up!" She was frantic as she tried to feel for a pulse while fumbling with her mobile phone to call 911. "Addison! Wake up, honey. Come on."

" 911. What is your emergency?" the voice on the other end answered.

"Hello? I'm at 12 18th Street. My friend has collapsed. I think she may have had an overdose of sleeping pills! Please hurry!" She was going out of her mind. She had never been faced with a situation such as this.

"Alright Ma'am. We're dispatching an ambulance to your location. How long has your friend been out?"

"I don't know.. I don't….. I just got here and I'm not sure what happened exactly. But she's sick and god…" Savvy was starting to panic, and her frantic voice did not go unnoticed by the operator.

"Ma'am. I need you to stay calm and try to get her to swallow water. Is she conscious?"

"No.. no she's not. Please hurry!"

"The team's on their way Ma'am. Stay calm."

At that moment, the Emergency Team barged into the house and up the bedroom, swiftly carrying Addison and loading her into the ambulance. All the while, Savvy was holding her hand, not bothering to wipe her tears as the people started to connect all sorts of wires and tubes to Addie. She felt so _helpless_. She blamed herself for this. If she weren't so fooled by the way Addie's demeanor had changed, this never would have happened.

They arrived at the hospital shortly after, Addison's still body wheeled in for an emergency surgery. Savvy was left at the waiting room, pacing back and forth as she called Weiss, who quickly left work and ran to the hospital. She was crying silently, trying to ignore the hot tears as she dialed Nancy's number. It wasn't that she was scared, though she knew she was supposed to be considering how Nancy trust her with Addie's care. She was more concerned with Addison's safety than Nancy's reaction.

Savvy took a deep breath as she waited for Nancy to pick up.

"Sav?"

"Nancy. I'm at the hospital."

"Hospi—what?? What's wrong? What happened? Is Addie okay?" Nancy quickly got to a standing position as she grabbed her car keys and walked briskly to the car, starting to drive to the hospital.

"They're working on her."

"What happened? Savvy?"

Savvy started crying harder. "She told me she wanted to… wanted to spend the weekend at the brownstone. And I don't know. She said she wanted to get closure. And god! I feel so stupid for letting her. I mean… I knew she was emotionally unstable and all and I—"

"What happened Savvy?" Nancy was beyond frantic now, she had to practically yell at Savvy.

"Addison.. she tried to kill herself."

If it weren't for the fact that the street was empty, Nancy would've caused a major accident at her sudden push on the brakes. Her tires screeching as it created friction with the concrete, her eyes ablaze and her heart beating rapidly, she raised her voice. "She what? Tell me, tell me I didn't hear you correctly! She tried to fucking kill herself? Is she full-fledged insane now?"

"I don't know, Nancy," she said, sniffling.

"How did.. how did she?"

"Overdose. Sleeping pills. I mean, I didn't even _know_ she had pills like that, and I'm with her practically every waking moment."

"How is she now?" Nancy was still trying to process what she just heard. It wasn't enough for Addie to not have treatment. She was even worsening her death sentence by putting an end to everything herself.

"They took her in. They're still working on her."

"Okay. This.. all of this has gotten out of hand. I'm calling mom, I'm calling the Chief. I'm calling Derek. I'm calling everyone who can fucking shove sense into Addison's head right now." Nancy was determined, force in her voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure." She paused. "I'll call mom, and then I'll call Derek. The chief can know later." She didn't know how she was going to say it. All she knew was that the whole situation was getting out of hand and someone with _power _had to be notified. Soon.

"Okay. Are you coming over?" Savvy asked, sniffling.

"Yeah I'm.. driving. I'll meet you there in a bit. And pray hard, Sav. Pray that she'll make it." She closed her eyes at the inevitable headache she was going to feel. This was definitely going to be a long night.

With that Savvy hung up and continued pacing. Nancy, on the other hand, was just starting to get worked up. Sure she was worried as hell, but she had to think practically and logically right now. Savvy was too panicked to take her mind off of Addie's operation, so the task of delegating the news was up to her. She hit speed dial 5 and the line immediately rang.

"This is Caroline Shepherd." The voice was full and motherly, gentle even.

"Mom?"

"Oh Nancy! Nice of you to call. I was about to ask you to let the kids come over this weekend. I miss them terribly." Caroline smiled as she pressed the handset closer to her ear.

"Mom, there's something I have to tell you. But you gotta sit down first."

"Is there something wrong?" Caroline could sense the worry in her daughter's voice.

"Yeah. But you have to sit down. I'm on my way to pick you up."

"Nancy, you know better than to keep an old woman waiting. I'm sitting down now," she said as she moved to the couch. "Now, tell me."

"Mom, Addison's been admitted to the hospital."

Caroline's face paled. "Oh dear god. What happened? Is she okay?" She always considered Addison her daughter, regardless of what happened between her and Derek. Ever since the day Derek introduced her to the family, she cared deeply for her and loved her like her own.

"They're still working on her but.. there's more, Mom. There's something else you have to know."

"More?"

"But before I say it, you have to promise me. You can't judge me. You can't get mad at me. You don't get to tell me how stupid I am. This was what Addison wanted and I'm breaking all my promises now by telling you. Okay?" Nancy's nerves were starting to show.

"Okay. I promise. Now speak up, Nancy."

Nancy took a deep breath. "About 5 months ago, when Addie was still in Seattle, I called her to ask how she's been doing after the divorce and all. And she told me…." She had to take a deep breath. "She told me she had cancer." She paused for a while, trying to gage her mother's reaction.

"....Cancer?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. Caroline was beyond shocked. She couldn't move. Her legs felt like they were permanently stuck to the ground. It seemed as if the entire world stopped moving. Her daughter had cancer. Cancer. Cancer. It kept on playing in her head like a broken record. Strong, determined Addison had _cancer._

"Yeah. Ovarian Cancer."

"Is she… under medication?"

Nancy didn't know how to say it next. "Mom, I'm sorry." She felt the tears start to fall on her cheeks.

"What do you mean?"

"Addison… she… asked me and Savvy not to tell anyone about the cancer and… about her decision. She's not getting treatment. At all." A rush of guilt suddenly engulfed her. This was definitely her fault. She was blaming herself.

"No treatment," Caroline repeated, feeling the weight of Nancy's words crush her. "Nancy Marie Shepherd, you hurry driving now and I want you at my doorstep within ten minutes. Then we are going to the hospital and having a long discussion about this. Do you hear me?" She said it firmly.

Nancy sighed. "Yes mom. But I'm calling Derek first."

"Derek doesn't know?" She wasn't sure how she went from shocked, to completely dumbfounded. They kept it a secret for five long months. From _everybody_.

"Addie's wish, I told you." She bowed her head for a moment, collecting her emotions and trying to stay focused. "Now get ready. I'm on my way. And bring something for your heart." She hung up shortly after, parking the car at an empty slot for a while. She couldn't multi-task what she was about to do. She couldn't drive or do anything else. She was going to make a phone call to her brother, the man who loved Addison with all his soul. She was about to break his heart. She questioned whether she could do it, whether it was her place to tell him. But she quickly realized that no one else could tell him. No one else was as strong as Addison, strong enough to break even the most heartbreaking of news.

She gathered her thoughts before dialing his number, waiting anxiously for him to pick up.

"Derek?"

"Nancy-pants!" Nancy flinched at the apparent cheeriness in his voice. "How's Addie? Has she been receiving the flowers?"

Nancy was silent.

"Nance? Is she not happy with the flowers?" He ran a hand through his hair. "I spoke to the chief this morning. He's going to give me some time off soon. He said he just had to take care of a few things. Is she… tired? I mean, of waiting? I couldn't get time off sooner. I know I haven't exactly been _visible_ but tell her... tell her to wait. It's worth the wait, I swear." Derek felt his heart begin to sink.

Nancy had to hold back the tears. If there was any way she was going to break the news to Derek without breaking down herself, she had to put on a tough exterior. She took a deep breath. "You listen up Derek Christopher Shepherd, and you listen good. You better get your ass out here to New York tonight. And I mean _tonight_, Derek. You get your sorry ass to the hospital and—"

"Hospital? What do you mean hospital? Is Addison okay?" A feeling of dread was washing over him already. If anything at all happened to Addie, he would never forgive himself.

She sighed, her tough exterior melting. She couldn't break the news to him. It would break his heart.

"Nancy… tell me what's wrong.", he said softly.

"As we speak, a million drugs are being pumped into Addison's bloodstream to get her to respond because Derek, Addison is… Addie's dying."

Derek bolted out of the hospital and into the parking lot, driving insanely fast to airport while talking to Nancy. At the mention of the word dying and hospital in the same train of thought, Derek knew the implications were extremely wrong. He couldn't think straight. "Dying? What the fuck do you mean by _dying_? This better some sick joke, Nancy!"

"I wish it was, Der. God, I wish it was. But your wife decided she wanted to end her life, Derek. That's what's happening." The tough exterior was coming back. "She's sick, Derek. Sick. She has 3rd stage Ovarian Cancer." She continued to ramble on without letting the news sink in on Derek's part. "Are you surprised? Of course you are! Because she hasn't told _anybody_ outside of me, Savvy, Weiss and the Chief. She wanted to keep it a goddamn _secret_! She didn't want anyone to know that she was fucking dying! She didn't want _you_ to know because she didn't know if you'd _care_. Care, Derek! Something she'd waited for the whole time she was in a city she absolutely _loathed_. And by the time you decided you love her still, she has decided that your relationship would be _doomed_. So guess what Derek. _She hasn't had any treatment_, any sort of fucking treatment since she found out. Since she found out! And god, she found out five months ago! Five freakin' fast months that has advanced her cancer so much so that if she doesn't get treated _very soon_, she will _die_. She's skin and bones, she's goddamn dying. And you know what the best part is, Derek? Do you? She tried to fucking kill herself by drinking a whole a bottle of sleeping pills today! She tried to end what she thought was a good for nothing life by trying to kill herself in the brownstone!" Nancy paused, taking a deep breath. She was ranting her heart out, releasing all the cooped up emotions. "And I feel just _great_, Derek," her voice dripping with sarcasm, "because I feel like I've been _killing my friend_, one my very best friends in the whole fucking planet by promising her to not tell you, or mom, or anybody else! And god! I am _exhausted_. Exhausted Derek! Because all I want is for Addie to have a _fighting chance_ to live! But she's given up and god---" She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't breathe. Her rambling turned into a fit of hysterics, and then sobbing. She was choking on her sobs, and she couldn't seem to stop. In fact, she didn't want to stop. She just wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be.

Derek was flabbergasted. He sat in his car, staring straight ahead, trying to make sense of what was happening. There was too much information tossed toward his direction.

Addison had cancer. Ovarian cancer. Third stage ovarian cancer. Addison wasn't getting any treatment. No treatment for the past 5 months. Richard knew. Savvy knew. Weiss knew. Nancy knew. But he didn't know. They didn't tell him. And now, she was at the hospital. At the hospital being treated for a drug overdose. A drug overdose she intentionally bestowed on herself. An overdose that was supposed to end her life. And if he didn't hurry, he could be too late. He had to chop the information up into parts as he slowly digested it. His Addison was _dying_.

He felt all the world's weight on his shoulders. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He couldn't move. He blocked out the sound of Nancy's crying, blocked out the sound of the cars honking behind him. All he could think about was Addie. Getting to Addie. Knowing she would be safe. He wanted all of this to be a bad dream. A dream where he would wake up in New York, Addison sleeping soundly beside him. But alas, it wasn't a dream. And his Addie truly was dying. He flet so conflicted. He had spent the better part of five months dreaming about her instead of trying to help her. He felt so stupid that he didn't notice anything sooner. He knew something was up with the Chief, with Nancy, with Addison, but he paid no attention to it. He felt like an ass.

"I…" He didn't know what to say to Nancy, what to do to comfort her. He couldn't even comfort himself. "I'll meet you at the hospital." With that, he shut off the phone and stared straight ahead, his mind doing involuntary flashbacks to a time and place when he and Addie were the couple everyone envied.

He didn't how he ended up at the airport. He didn't know how his body functioned while driving. He couldn't remember how he purchased a ticket or how he waited to board the plane. But here he was, an hour later, sitting tightly on a direct flight to New York City. He didn't want to think, but that was all he could do at the moment.

He was anything but numb. A million types of pain were shooting through his heart as he thought back to the time he wasted focusing on what _he_ wanted out of life. He never thought about Addison, or anybody else. It was all about him. How could a man overlook his wife, his soul mate? He was a selfish bastard, and cursed himself mentally for not realizing just how much Addison meant to him in the first place. A feeling of despair settled into his bones. He would spend the rest of his life making it up to Addison. Because that's what you do when you love someone. You make sure they're _happy_.

What hurt him most was how Addison had changed. It pained him to know that Addison was the way she was now because of him, because of how badly he treated her, how unjustifiably he hurt her. He didn't feel vindicated now, knowing how all the life he knew Addison possessed was gone. He had turned her into a mere shadow of what she used to be, and he knew how much she hated being weak. It was his fault, all of this. If he just spent at least 20 minutes of his day to talk to his wife, if he had bothered to beg off of a couple of surgeries, they wouldn't be in this position. Sure she could have cancer, but she would have been a_ fighter_. She would have kicked this cancer's ass. But that wasn't the situation now and he couldn't allow himself to think of the what ifs. Addison was a fighter, and he would her realize just how much she truly was.

But amidst all the hurt, all the suffering, all the blame, he couldn't cry. He didn't want to cry. He felt that if he cried, it would make things _real_. And he didn't want it to be real. He was still hoping that all of this wasn't real, that he was merely dreaming. He wanted all of this to be some sick joke, so that when he landed in New York, Addison would greet him with a big smile and thank him for all the flowers and say they'd try again. But the idea was farfetched. He had no idea how Addison was doing, how bad her health was. He had no idea how much damage the over dose would cause, or what the extent of the cancer was. All he knew was that he needed to be _there, _to be by her side, holding her hand and encouraging her. Because as long as there was even the smallest distance between them, she would be slipping away and he would be dying along with her.

* * *

Okay. So Derek finally knows. :D :D Stay tuned, guys. And reviews are lovely. :)


	10. Chapter 9

AN: Thank you all for the reviews. :) Here's the next chapter. I finally decided which plot I want to incorporate into this story. :) I was initially going to make Addie die after the overdose, or put Addie into a coma. But that would be waaaaay too much drama so I decided on this. Stick around okay?

I own nothing.

* * *

"Savvy"

"Mrs. Shepherd." Savvy greeted Caroline with a hug as she acknowledged Nancy from behind.

"Weiss." Caroline smiled at the man.

"Mrs. Shepherd. It's been too long." He moved to embrace the woman.

"Yes. And it's unfortunate that we're reuniting at a situation like this." She moved to take a seat at the waiting room. "Is there any news, Savvy?"

"They wouldn't tell me anything more than them trying to stabilize her. Apparently, Derek's still listed as her emergency contact. So, until Derek gets here, we can't get anything out of them." She shook her head disapprovingly. Who'd have thought Derek was still her emergency contact? Apparently, regardless of their decision to tell Derek, he would still know because the hospital would call him. If it weren't for the situation they were in, Savvy would have laughed at the irony of it all. Addison tried to get away from him, but they would always be bound to each other, no matter what.

Nancy glanced at Savvy. "I called Derek today.", she said quietly.

Weiss' eyes rested on Nancy. "How'd he take it?" He knew Derek had the tendency to be emotional. If any, that's what made Addie's and Derek's fights fun to watch. They were always so worked up. He also knew Derek would not take it kindly, considering how almost everyone knew except for him.

"I don't know. I didn't have the chance to hear him say anything. I broke down.. sort of." She smiled sheepishly at the group. "And he just… stayed silent the whole time. God knows what thoughts were running through his head. He said he'd meet us here, soon." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "He's worried though, I'm sure. And he's beyond upset. If I put myself in his shoes, I would be too."

Caroline nodded. "I'm sure he's not taking this lightly. He's worried sick, as we all are. We should do everything to keep him sane. To keep _all_ of us sane."

"God. All this waiting just prolongs the agony. We have to know if she's okay." Nancy sighed, shaking a bit in her seat. "I mean, Addie's out friend and we took care of her. Don't we got some sort of right to know how she's doing?"

"Is Derek Shepherd here?" a voice from behind them asked out of nowhere. A petite nurse was standing at the doorway of the waiting room, looking at them expectantly.

Caroline stood up, walking towards the girl. "He's on his way. How is she?"

"She's being wheeled into recovery right now." All of them sighed in relief. The tension was released and the room started to seem cheerier. "She's stable, but I can't tell you anything more. We're only authorized to release confidential information to the emergency contact."

Nancy stood up. "Can we see her?"

The nurse looked at them unsurely. "We also can't authorize anyone to visit yet. As of now, only Derek Shepherd can go inside, unless he sees it fit for you all to come."

"But she's okay right?" Savvy looked at the girl.

"She's okay, Ma'am. As good as could be considering the amount of drugs she took." She smiled tentatively before walking in the other direction.

All four of them smiled in relief and each said a prayer of thanks. Addison had survived, and it wasn't long before Derek would come and convince her to get treated. After all, it wasn't too late. There was always hope. Everything was going to be okay. They sat there for about an hour making small talk before the loud footsteps of a running pair of feet echoed thunderously down the hall.

"I think Derek's here.", Weiss announced, smirking slightly.

At that moment, Derek barged in, looking extremely disheveled.

"Nancy! Where is she? How is she? What happened?", he panted, trying to catch his breath. He had run from the tube to the taxi stand, from the lobby to the 8th floor of the hospital. All he wanted was to see Addie.

"Relax, Derek. She's okay." Nancy smiled at him.

"She's okay? Oh thank god! Where is she? I want to see her." He had never felt more relieved in his life than at that moment. Addison had survived the most immediate problem at hand. His heart soared at the news. But he knew he couldn't give in to the comfort just yet. His Addie was still in danger.

"You don't get to see her until you give your mother a hug." Caroline stood behind Derek, her hands on her waist.

Derek turned around and wrapped his arms around his mom. "Hey mom."

"Oh my boy. I've missed you. You look skinny. Have you been eating?" She smiled knowingly at his son.

"Yea I've been eating, don't worry." He moved to give Weiss a manly hug. "Hey man."

"Hey Derek. How have you been?"

"I've been better.", he said honestly before moving to give Savvy a hug. "Thank you for taking care of her Sav.", he whispered.

"You're welcome Derek. I know she'd do the same for me."

The petite nurse walked in on them and cleared her throat. He saw Derek run from the hall. "I'm assuming you're Derek Shepherd, sir?"

"Yes, I am," he replied anxiously. "My wife, how is she?"

All the occupants of the room looked at each other, smirking knowingly. They didn't bother to correct the name by which he called Addie. Husband and wife always did suit them best. They were meant to be together.

"Would you like to discuss this in private?"

"No, right here, in front of the people who've cared for her these past months is okay." He looked at all of them gratefully. He owed them this much.

"Okay. Well… why don't you all take a seat and I'll have Doctor Talbert be with you shortly?" She smiled as they all sat down, Nancy gripping Derek's hand the entire time.

"Thank you, Nancy.", Derek whispered. "I know what you did was hard. But.. thank you."

She smiled at him assuringly.

Five minutes later, a tall, clean-shaven man walked in. "Ah. If it isn't the infamous Derek Shepherd. It's great to see you again."

Derek stood up and shook the man's hand. "Peter. It's great to see you to. I assume you're handling my wife's case?" They used to work together on cases, before everything went to hell.

Peter motioned for Derek to reclaim his seat as he stood in front of the family. "Addison is a lucky girl, Derek. If it weren't for the immediate help she got," gesturing to Savvy, "she wouldn't have made it."

Everyone looked at him, the tension in the room slowly building up.

"As you all know, Addison took a significant amount of benzodiazepine, more commonly known as sleeping pills. We performed stomach pumping and basic charcoal absorption and as of now, she's stable. She's unconscious, but she's stable. We'll know more once she's awake and we can induce vomiting if necessary. But the blood work's back and she seems to be in good shape." He looked at the group pensively. "But there is something you have to know. She coded in there. Thrice; like she was ready to give up. We did our best and now she's okay. But you all have to make her fight."

Everyone was quiet as they tried to digest the information. Addie was okay. But she almost died thrice. There must have been someone up there wanting her to live. Some higher being wanted her to continue living. It definitely wasn't her time just yet.

"Did this… overdose… affect her cancer?" Savvy asked in a quiet voice. "I mean, her cancer's on its way to its third stage and I don't know. We're still hoping she could get treatment."

"So far, there is no considerable damage. We treated the overdose as something separate from the cancer, so it should be no problem. They are two different things, Ma'am." The doctor smiled kindly at Savvy as she nodded. "Treatment for her is still an option."

"When to you expect her to wake up?" It was Caroline's turn to ask.

"We actually expect her to wake up within 12 hours. We more or less were able to expel any residual drug, and we're hoping she'd be awake soon."

Derek was quiet the whole time. Everything was starting to sink in. Addison had cancer and she didn't tell him. His face contorted into one of recognition. He was finally piecing together everything. _Her departure from Seattle, the talk with Richard, Nancy saying it was too late, fertility treatments…_

He felt stupid for not realizing that something was wrong sooner. He mentally kicked himself because for another time, he was the man who didn't notice anything wrong with his wife even though everything was. He bowed his head in defeat, but quickly clenched his jaw in determination. Without a word, he stood up and strode to Addison's room, all the while preparing himself for the sight he knew was far from comforting. Once or twice, he felt his knees buckle, but that made him even more determined to be beside Addie. Everyone was expecting him to convince her to get treated now. Everyone was sure he could. And he had to believe that he held that power, that he could actually look into her eyes and get her to finally say yes to treatment. He didn't know how much influence he had over Addison at this point, but he knew it was worth a shot. Because if Derek couldn't do it, nobody else could.

He stood about three steps shy of her door, taking in deep breaths. Even now, as he stood outside her room, he could sense the coldness, the despair, and the hopelessness that emanated from her still body. Derek had to hold back his tears as he tried to calm himself. Addison would need him to be strong if he wanted her to believe she could make it. She had to have a pillar of strength and courage so that she could have the power to fight.

He shook off his negativity as he carefully took the last three steps and opened the door slightly. He entered cautiously, purposefully not looking at Addie yet. He knew that if he looked now, he might break down. At this point, Addison was still dying, still sick, still unconscious, still not fighting. And it pained him to recognize his part in all of this.

Slowly lifting his head to take a look at her, he felt his chest tighten at the sound of the machine beeping, the countless tubes leading in and out of her body, the oxygen mask on her mouth and the over-all frailty she exhibited. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would have taken a big heartbreak for Addison to put herself in a situation like this. This wasn't his Addie. This was a different Addison, a broken one at that. And he vowed he'd restore the old Addie everyone had come to love. All hope was not lost. The cancer was still treatable at this stage. Her spirit could still be renewed with him constantly by her side.

He walked over to the seat next to Addie's bed and carefully took her right hand and engulfed it with his own two. He brought her unnervingly thin hand to his lips as he let a couple of teardrops escape. It had occurred to him that the last time he'd seen Addie, she was lively, perfect, made-up and with zest. And now, she was what's left of a woman scorned.

His gaze fell on her beautiful face that, regardless of the paleness or the dark circles under her eyes, was still perfect. She was breathtaking. Regardless of the wrinkles forming on her forehead and the permanently engraved sad smile on her lips, she looked absolutely magical. Derek didn't know if it was because of the overwhelming love that was bursting from his heart, or because of the fact that she really was beautiful that made him think of how lucky he was if he got another chance with her. Addison was the love of his life, and nothing in the world could change that.

He lifted a hand as he gently stroked her red mane, kissing her forehead slightly. He didn't bother to stop the tears from flowing now as held on to her for dear life. Everything was sinking in. More than the prospect of not getting a chance with her, it was the prospect of her _dying_ that scared him to the core. Screw that chance. What mattered was Addison surviving.

"Addie… Addie I know you can't hear me. Or maybe you could but… but I need you to know." He paused for a while, gathering his thoughts, sniffing slightly. "I love you Addison. And it seems so fucked up that I'm realizing all of this now, but god. You have to be okay. You have to wake up and you have to give me another chance. I can't… I can't believe you tried to.." He gulped. "Tried to take your own life and it hurts me, Adds. It hurts me like hell to see you this broken. I love you. I love you and I don't take too kindly to seeing you hurt. And I know I'm the reason for most of this, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm going to live the rest of my life asking for your forgiveness and proving to you how much I can't spend the rest of my life without you. Please. You have to wake up.... Please." He sobbed uncontrollably as he held on to Addie's hand tightly. No words could have described the confusion, the hurt, the anxiety and the despair he was feeling. He was beyond consolable. The only thing that would make him feel better would be his Addie waking up. All he needed was to see that she was okay; to be able to convince her that living was worth a shot because she had _him_. It was a long shot but he knew, somewhere in Addie's heart, she'd find the will to live, to love. You don't just forget about the man you were married to for 12 years and stop loving him in a matter of months. It's just not possible. Derek Shepherd was a broken man. His _life_ was slipping, because no matter how much they'd been through, Addison was always going to be his life, the woman whom his whole being was going to revolve around.

He fell asleep that way, clutching her hand and muttering sweet encouragements to her. He dreamed of being able to take Addison home, of taking care of her and loving her the way he should have months ago.

He was so deep asleep, dreaming of the brightest future for him and Addie, that he didn't notice his mom, Nancy, Savvy and Weiss enter the room, giving it a homier feel. Caroline commissioned Savvy to bring some of Addie's clothes, Weiss to lend Derek his because they knew he came with just the clothes on his back, and Nancy to buy flowers, coffee and toothbrushes. Caroline seated herself on the small chair adjacent to Addie's bed. She sensed they were going to stay there for a while, anticipating Derek's success in convincing Addie to get treated. She was worried as hell for Addison, but she had to keep it together, for her children's sake. She had to be their pillar of strength all the time, or else all of them would break down and nothing would be accomplished. She was relieved that for the moment, Addison was out of harm's way. She allowed herself to give in to a much needed rest.

Three hours had passed, and the sun was just beginning to rise in the eastern horizon. Manhattan was rousing, and so was Derek. His eyes fluttered open, taking in his surroundings. He was disoriented at first, but the events of the previous day washed over him like a wave and he was instantly up, turning his head to look Addie.

She was just like she was yesterday; pale and thin. He sighed, grabbing her hand again and bringing it to his lips. He kissed her hand gently before settling it down and standing up to get a washcloth from the bathroom. He was thankful that at this point, nothing major had happened with Addie during the night. She was still stable, still alive. And he planned on keeping it that way for as long as he could. He washed his face before running the washcloth under the faucet. He squeezed the cloth just so it was damp and proceeded to reclaim his seat beside Addie.

Gazing at her for a moment, he thought about how much she's been through during the last five months. He thought about the pain, the suffering and hurt and denial she underwent.

_Denial_. His Addison was in denial.

She denied any form of treatment. Denied any form of care other than her daily needs. Denied any love for her, from her mother-in-law, from Savvy and Nancy. From him. She denied the worth she deserved, the fighting chance she was given.

It saddened Derek. She had always been one to accept what was due her. Derek had to close his eyes as he thought of Addie thinking she deserved to die.

Taking the washcloth, he gently wiped her forehead, her cheeks, her neck, and practically every visible part of her body. He admired her beauty amid the ordeal she was facing, and vowed to restore her strength, both physically and emotionally. Because that's who Addison was; the walking figure of _strength_.

He was so lost in thought that he almost didn't notice her eyes flutter open, her fingers move ever so slightly and the soft moan that escaped her lips. He was so caught up in the moment that he almost missed her soft voicing beckoning him.

"Derek?"

* * *

Thank you all for reading. I'll try to update as soon as possible. :)


	11. Chapter 10

AN: Hi everyone! I must admit, this isn't exactly the best chapter I've written. I feel like I didn't give enough justice to this scene, but I'm trying to make the following chapters better. My head's been up in the air lately with all the other oneshot ideas I've had so... yea. :)) Thanks for keeping up with me, though. And thanks for all the reviews. I appreciate them greatly. :)

*I do not own Grey's Anatomy. Shonda does but god. She seriously has to bring Addie back. :|

* * *

"Derek?"

The voice was soft, disbelieving, as if trying to fathom the reality of his presence.

"Derek?", she called out again, reaching her arms out to him. She couldn't comprehend the fact that he was _here_. Was she dead? Was she in heaven? Seeing Derek was definitely heaven. The immaculate hospital walls made the thought easier to grasp.

At first he thought it was just his imagination, his subconscious tricking him into hearing things he wanted to. And then the voice came again, and he just had to prove himself he was dreaming. After all, he couldn't hope much at this point. He turned around slowly, afraid to be disappointed by seeing her lying still as before. He closed his eyes as he did so, trying to ready himself for the disappointment. His body half turned towards the bed, he opened his eyes and what he saw melted his heart and caused tears to trickle down from his eyes in a matter of seconds.

His Addison was awake. Her right hand was outstretched, as if reaching for him. Her eyes were disbelieving and her expression was one of pure shock.

At that moment, he felt all the tension leave his body, replaced with an overwhelming amount of hope. The tears were pooling in his eyes and he couldn't speak, couldn't move. He was too happy to react. His Addie was awake. She was okay. He swore he had never been this happy in his life.

When the initial shock wore off and the elation overcame him, he quickly grabbed her outstretched hand and moved over to cover her body with his. He was bawling into her shoulder as he felt Addie moving her free hand up and down his back.

"Addie.. you're okay. You're okay. You're awake. You're okay…" He was sobbing, repeating the cause of his happiness as he held her close. "You're okay baby. Thank god. Thank god you're okay."

She pushed him away slightly, just until his eyes met hers. The initial grogginess had subsided and she was fully conscious. "Derek?… I'm dead, I think."

"What?" He laughed slightly, despite the tears.

"I mean.. You're here and I… the pills… and everything. I. I'm dead right?"

"Savvy got you to the hospital just in time. You're alive, baby.", he explained, moving over to kiss her forehead and then gazing at her confused eyes.

"No. No… no. No. This… this must be heaven or paradise or… you're here, Derek! And there's no other way for you to be here unless I'm in heaven or I'm… dreaming." A look of realization crossed her features. "Oh dear god. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. I'm imagining things. Oh god." Her voice was beginning to show signs of panic, and her heart rate was beginning to get faster. "Those pills have made me to be delusional. Oh my god. I can't believe this is happening.."

"Addie? Addie can you hear me?" He tried to get her to look at him. "Addie, I need you to listen. I need to look at me and listen to me." He forced her to meet his eyes.

She nodded, still fidgeting in her place. "This isn't happening.."

"Okay. I'll tell you what happened but I need you to believe me."

She nodded again.

"Good." He kissed her quickly on the forehead. "Savvy found you at the brownstone, unconscious. You took a hefty amount of sleeping pills. Do you remember?"

She looked at his eyes, trying to comprehend what he was saying. Slowly she nodded, remembering.

"The doctors worked on you and now you're here. And you're alive. Do you see that machine right there?", gesturing to the beeping mechanism at the side of her bed. "That's your heart beat and you're alive."

"But… you're here. You're here. I haven't told you about…."

"Nancy called me. She figured I'd want to be here. And I do, Adds. I do. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing than taking care of you."

Addison was shocked. She couldn't think straight. "Nancy… Nancy told you?"

He looked sympathetically at her. He knew how hard she worked so he'd never have to know. "It's not Nancy's fault, Adds. I… I told her to update me with anything that happened with you. And I guess she realized it was time for me to know, you know." He looked intensely at her green eyes. He still had trouble believing his Addison was sick despite the physical changes in her body.

She didn't know if she was angry or betrayed or happy. She wasn't numb. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to throw things. On one hand, she was glad Derek cared enough to be there, cared enough to care for her. She knew he wanted her to get better, and she knew he would convince her to get treatment. On the other hand, she also felt as if everyone was starting to interfere with her life plans. She felt as if the whole world was turning against her, against her wishes and her judgments. She closed her eyes at the confusion and the conflict swirling in her brain.

Derek knew. Nancy told him. It wasn't a farfetched thought to think that Caroline knew, too. Maybe her parents, too. She couldn't help but feel as if she betrayed all of them, disappointed them by not telling them of her condition. But she also couldn't help but feel a surge of anger. She knew, though, that the anger was out of place because Nancy and Savvy were just looking out for her best interest. She let out a heavy sigh. She couldn't make sense of it all. This was exactly the reason why she wanted to end things in the first place.

At that moment, Caroling began to stir from her seat adjacent to Addison. Addie had not noticed her during the time she was awake, as she was too caught up in her inner rants. Her eyes opened and the sight of Derek trying to sooth a fidgeting Addison greeted her. Relief filled her body as she realized that Addie was awake and that Derek was trying to calm her down. She heard Addison murmuring something about heaven, and she took this as a cue to make her presence known.

She cleared her throat, eager to give Addison a warm embrace. Derek looked up. "Good morning, Derek." She smiled at him before gesturing for him to step aside. She took a seat beside Addie. "Hello, Addie, darling. How are you feeling?" She looked at Addie kindly.

"Mom. Hi." She looked weary. "I feel… I don't know how I feel. I mean physically I feel okay. As best as I could in a situation like this. But emotionally…. I think I'm a mess.", she said honestly.

"I know it's a lot to take in, considering you've just woken up. It's a lot for all of us, too. But we're not mad. We're just upset because you wouldn't let us care for you."

Addison nodded.

"Now that that's clear, darling—"

"When can I leave this place?"

"Excuse me?"

"When can I get out of the hospital? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I just.. want to go home."

Caroline looked at Addison understandingly as Derek tried his best stay calm. "I know you do, Addie. And we'll have the doctor check up on you in a while. Savvy's at home, we promised to call her as soon as you were up."

Addison cast her eyes downward. "Thank you.", she murmured. It wasn't that she didn't want any of them caring for her. It was just that she thought she was beyond all hope of happiness. Derek was happiness. But now, with him showing up, she was _afraid_.

Caroline moved to stand up, giving Addison a kiss on the forehead before excusing herself to get some breakfast at the cafeteria, and then to freshen up. Derek moved back to the seat his mother had just vacated and stared at Addie.

"What? Why are you staring?"

"Nothing. I just… couldn't believe we're at this point of our lives."

She laughed bitterly. "You mean screwed up and in such a mess? Derek, you're not a mess. I am. And I just wanted to save everybody the hassle of having to look out for me."

"Addie. You know it would be our pleasure to look out for you. It would be _my_ pleasure to care for you. You know that."

"Do I really?", she challenged. "I mean… after everything… I don't know what I know anymore. I don't know what's true, what's worth believing. I don't know. All I know is that I wanted things to end and I took it upon myself to do it."

Derek looked absolutely hurt. Hearing Addison talk about her suicide attempt so casually made him realize how Addie has lost all belief in her self-worth.

The silence between them was enormous, each lost in thought. The silence was broken though by the sound of Addie's soft whimpers.

"I just wanted you to be happy, Derek."

He looked thoroughly confused. "What?"

"When I.. when I left Seattle and decided on abandoning all thought of treatment…I was thinking of you. I just wanted you to be happy."

"You think that you dying will make me.. happy?" He had to swallow at the absurdity of the idea. "You honestly thought that losing you would make me happy?"

Addison looked up at him. "Wouldn't it?"

"No! Of course not! Addison! How could you even think that way?"

"In Seattle.. even in New York, before.. you barely cared."

"I may not have shown you… but I cared, Adds. I do."

She sniffled softly.

"I just want to know why, Addie. I want to know why you did those things. I want to know why you felt… hopeless." He looked down. "I mean, I know I'm to blame but I want to know exactly what things went through your mind, so I could show you and prove to you how much living is worth a shot. How much _I love you_. Please."

"I have third stage cancer, Derek."

"I know," he said sadly. He'd been trying to absorb the information since he found out. It was still so surreal.

"How do you feel about that? I need to know…" Addison looked at him expectantly. When she first found out, she knew for sure Derek would be thrilled she was dying. But then that phone call happened and she wasn't sure. She didn't know if she wanted to be aware of the answer, but for her own peace of mind, she had to.

Derek sighed. He didn't know how to put his feelings to words. He still had the urge to scream, to kick, to throw things. He was still angry with that higher being for wanting him to be miserable.

"Derek?"

He took a deep breath. "I feel like the very life of me was sucked out." He looked at her honestly. "I feel empty. I don't know. It's just…. I love you Addison. I love you with all my heart and it pains me to see you suffering, to see you hurt. And it pains me to have to live without you. When Nancy told me… I… I felt like I lost my purpose in life, like there was nothing left living for. Because I knew even then that without you, I was nothing. I was just numb, indifferent. You were the reason for everything in my life, Adds. Every heartache but still, every joy. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life making you happy. And I thought that if I lost you for good… I would never forgive myself… Never." A couple of tears escaped from his eyes. This was definitely an emotional roller coaster ride for all them.

She nodded. "Do you still feel that way? Now? After… after I tried to end things?"

"I'll always feel that way, Adds. I love you. And if you just trust me on this and believe me, I can prove that to you. I could."

She nodded again. "Take me home, Derek. Just.. we'll talk about this next time—"

"There is no next time, Adds."

"What?"

"You're.. you're running out of time." It pained him to say those words. "And I have made it my mission to make you all better, Addison."

"I knew this would happen. I just knew it---"

They were interrupted by the loud knock on the door, and subsequently its opening, revealing Doctor Talbert.

"I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?"

"No, no.. It's fine.", Addie said hastily.

"The old woman told me Addie was awake so I'm here to check up on you. I heard you wanted to go home."

"I do."

"Well, let's get you checked out then. I'd say you'll have to stay at least three more days for monitoring but I'm hoping you'll be okay." He moved over the check Addie's chart and her vital stats, fussing over her.

Derek stood by the door, working up a game plan to convince her. It would take more than flowers at her apartment to get her to say yes.

"Okay. It looks like you're all clear. But like I said, I'd like to keep you here for three more days. I'll get the nurse to check on your blood and hopefully the labs will be in by tonight." He turned to Derek. "Take good care of her, man. I'll see you later." He shook his hand as he gave Addison a small wave.

Once alone, Derek reclaimed his seat. "Care to continue?"

Addison sighed.

"You knew _what_ would happen?"

"I knew… somehow… after the phone call, that you'd ask me get treated."

"I am beyond asking in a situation like this, Adds. Beyond asking. I am practically begging you to reconsider. Please."

She looked up at his desperate eyes. Before that moment, she knew that if Derek asked her to get treated, she would refuse with all her heart. But no, seeing him this way, made her ache so much. It was getting harder to stick to her original plan. She had no answers for him at the moment. "I'm tired, Derek."

Derek sighed. "I know but… let me ask you one thing."

Addie looked unsure.

"You don't have to answer now. You can answer once you've thought about it long and hard."

She nodded.

"Do you honestly think that if you… If I lose you, I would be happy? I mean, I've loved you for the past 15 years or so of my life and do you really think that I could really fathom my future without you? After everything? And do you really think that you dying is the solution to every possible mess your life is in?" He looked at her intensely. "A lot of people care for you, Addison. I know that's hard for you to believe. But a lot of people love you and would go out of their way to make sure you pull through this. So please. I am asking you, as the love of your life, to reconsider. I promise I would be with you every step of the way, and I'll be there to support you. All you have to do is to be brave enough to face the music that is your life, to be ready for obstacles knowing you'd always have me. Always. Because I love you, and no amount of screwing up will ever make me stop loving you. No matter how much you deny it, or how much you refuse to believe it, it'll still be true. It will always be true, it will always be a fact. I will always love you, regardless of what we've been through. And I know, deep inside, that you feel the same way. I know you Addie, don't forget that. I've been married to you long enough to know what you're thinking. I know that you want to be with me too but you're scared. I am asking you to put aside the fear and anxiety and just trust me. Like I said before, I know I haven't been giving you reason to trust me. But I mean it this time. I just want to grow old with you. I want to be standing at the end of this road when I'm old gray with you beside me. Because there's no else I'd rather be with. I love you, Addison. And I want the whole package with you. If not for yourself, then do it for me. For me."

Addison looked up at him, completely at a loss for words. She was overwhelmed by Derek's declaration. It seemed that these days, all she ever felt were extreme emotions. She loved Derek. She honestly did. But she wasn't sure she was strong enough to trust him again. She merely nodded and stared at ceiling, lost in thought.

"How much time would you give me? To think, I mean?" She said quietly. His words had hit the right spot in her heart, had played the right notes to make her seriously consider. He sounded honest, sincere. And if he wanted another chance with her, then so be it. She'd be damned if he played with her again, but she was, at this point, 70% willing to take the risk.

Derek smiled at her softly. He would have to ask her doctor about it, but he'd give her a week at most. "Do you want to stay at the brownstone?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'd give you a week to think, Addie. A week starting the day you get released. And I figured we could stay at the brownstone. Just us for a week. I just… want it to be like old times. I could show what we used to have, and we can get back. If only you'll let me."

"You're a little tactical, Doctor Shepherd.", she said teasingly despite the moment.

"That, I am." He looked at her encouragingly. "So what do you say?"

She sighed. She didn't exactly have a choice in the matter since Derek would force his way whatever happens. "I suppose we could try. But I'm making no promises, Derek. I'm making that clear and putting my foot down. I mean it."

He kissed her lips lightly. "That's good enough for me. For now, at least." He mimicked her tone. "I'm making that clear and I'm putting my foot down. I mean it." He smirked at the tongue she stuck out at him. "Now why don't you go ahead and rest. All this thinking has drained your energy." She laughed heartily. "Okay?"

"Will you be here when I wake up?"

"I'll be here every waking moment, Addison. I promise." And he meant it, of course. He meant it with all his heart.

She nodded, closing her eyes, suddenly feeling drowsy. "I love you, Derek."

He smiled softly. "I love you too." He kissed her lips chastely and allowed her a much needed rest. Hopefully, he thought, she'd dream about the bright future that lay ahead of them, and she'd finally say yes to treatment.

* * *

Soooooo.. what do you guys think? :D I'm thinking of a fluff chapter next, but IDK. I haven't decided. :) Thank you all for reading. :)


	12. Chapter 11

AN: Hi guys! Thank you all for the reviews. :)  
This is a pretty short chapter. I was so excited to write the next chapter sooo. Hahaha. I hope you like it though. I was originally gonna write fluff, but then when I tried, I realized I needed a lot of help with it. I think I'm hopeless with fluff. Hahaha. If any of you want to tutor me or something like that, I'd appreciate it. Hahaha. Anyway, here's the chapther. Enjoy.

*I own Grey's Anatomy. Right.

* * *

The three days went by quickly. Addison had agreed to the brownstone arrangement, much to the delight of Savvy and Nancy. Savvy moved all of Addison's things back at the brownstone, quite sure that this was the last time she'd be doing that. She had high hopes for Addison's recovery.

"So. Welcome home." He said, leading Addison into their brownstone foyer. He hadn't been back to the brownstone since the night he left for Seattle, and he tried to fight off the memories that came as he turned his head to every corner of the house. He helped her up the stairs and into the master bedroom. He had to close his eyes at the pain that shot through his body. He knew though, that he had to let go of that hurt if he wanted a fresh start with her.

"Thank you, Derek.", she smiled after he set her down on the bed. She bit her lip at the apprehensive look on his face.

He was surveying the room, trying to think of something else other than the fact that this was the place their marriage ended.

"Der? Is everything alright?"

He snapped out of his reverie, focusing his attention on Addie. He tried his best to act cheerful. He didn't expect these feelings to overcome him. He came here to make things better, not to have sordid emotions resurface. "Yeah, I'm okay, Adds."

She sighed. "Derek… how do you expect things to work out if you aren't completely honest with me?"

He moved to say something but she stopped him.

"I know that face, Derek. I know when you're okay and when you're not. I know what you're thinking. And I understand how all you'd ever remember in this room is me fucking you best friend."

He flinched at her tone, but remained silent.

"But we're trying to make it work, right? You're trying to convince me that there's something worth living for. And if this is what I should be expecting in the future, you could forget about trying." She huffed, feeling the frustration building up.

He sat down beside her, sighing. "I'm sorry, Addie. You're right. I… I just didn't expect to feel this way after everything. I was so determined to stay positive but all of this—"

"Is too much? Tell me, Derek." She looked at him pleadingly. "Tell me if this is too much for you to handle. Because if you expect us to work out, we're going to have to deal with the issues we left behind long ago."

Derek took her hand and enveloped it with his. "This isn't too much, I promise. Nothing is more important to me than seeing you get better."

She smiled at him softly before nodding. "Thank you, Derek."

He chuckled. "I feel like I should be the one thanking you. I mean, it's not everyday you allow yourself to go against your better judgment. I'm flattered you think this is worth it."

"This is all I've ever wanted, Derek. So screw you if you mess this chance up."

"Rest assured honey, you won't regret this decision.. if you decide to get treated."

She laughed, and gave Derek a quick kiss. He got up and started bring the things up to their old bedroom, making sure everything was just as before.

"So…"

"So… I was curious as to what exactly you were planning to do, Derek."

"With what?"

"With our life."

"Oh." He hadn't thought about how he'd deliver it to her. He wanted it to be over some romantic dinner or something of that sort. "Well… I don't know. Exactly. I haven't gotten that far. I was first trying to concentrate on how to get you to say yes."

"Well how do you expect me to say yes if there isn't any guarantee I'd live a happy life?"

"Oh there is a guarantee, I tell you. There is." He smiled at her.

They both knew the topic was in need of serious discussion, but they wanted to put it off, at least for tonight. Tonight, they would enjoy their first night back at the brownstone together, as a couple. They both missed this and savored the feeling of uncomplicated love.

That night, they sat in the living room, feet tangled and sharing a warm blanket. They lit the fireplace and they were enjoying each other's warmth, each lost in thought.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"What would… what would you do if I decide I don't want surgery?" She had been meaning to ask him since they got home.

"Addie…"

"Just answer the question, Der. I need to know."

He sighed. "I would die with you, Addison."

"Be serious, Derek."

"I _am_ serious, Adds. You're my life. And if I lose you… well… I lose my life as well."

She closed her eyes in thought. "And if I decide to have surgery?"

"Then I'd be the happiest man on earth, Addison. And I'd spend the rest of my life making you as happy." He held her closer, if that was possible given the already close proximity of their bodies.

"If I get the surgery Derek, would you move back to New York with me?"

"Are you kidding me, Addison? I would move to Africa for you. Maybe India or to the moon. I would move mountains and cross oceans for you. I would do anything for you, Addie."

"That's sweet, Derek."

"I try.", he chuckled.

"But joking aside, would you really move back to New York?"

"Yes, Adds. I'd move back here with you and make sure to negotiate at least a day off each week and a maximum of eight hours at the hospital. No more nights on call unless necessary. I promise." He kissed the back of her head lightly.

"And we'll have nights just like this?"

"Countless night, love. Countless."

They were quiet again, the only audible sounds were their soft breathing and the crackle of the fireplace.

"You know that I couldn't have a baby, right?" she said suddenly.

He looked wistful for a moment. "Yeah."

"Are you okay about that? I mean, I know it's always been your dream to be a father and… I couldn't give you that dream, Derek."

"You're more important than any baby, Adds. We'll find alternatives when we're ready. But you're more valuable."

"Do you promise?" She turned her head apprehensively at him. "I don't want you to get frustrated with me in the future when you decide you really want one, Der."

"I won't. I promise."

She smiled. "I have a week to think, right?"

"A week. And no bargaining." They both knew why there wasn't any room for argument. Her time was slowly ticking away, and they had to get her to surgery fast.

"Hmm…"

Another moment of silence passed between them.

"Are you scared, Adds?"

"I beg your pardon?", confused by the question.

"Are you scared?"

"Of what?"

"Of dying?" He gulped. It was hard to imagine how life would be like without her.

"Oh. That." She hadn't exactly thought about it before. She didn't know if she was, exactly. "I don't know. I mean, it looks like I'm not considering I tried to kill myself." She tried to lighten the mood.

He merely sighed.

"I'm not scared… exactly. I think it'll be a relief to go."

"Why?", he pushed.

"I don't know. I just believe I've lost any chance to be happy again. Truly happy."

"Even with me here?"

"It changes things… but it doesn't mean I'm any less convinced that I won't be truly happy again. We have history Derek, a lot of hurtful baggage. And I don't see myself moving forward the way I want to. I try to imagine my life ten years from now and all I see is weakness. And you know how much I hate that."

"So you think ending your life will solve that?"

"In a way, I guess. At least I died strong."

"Dying because you gave up is strong? I don't understand, Adds. This isn't you."

"I've changed, Derek. And I've said this before… sometimes there's strength in letting go."

"There's also strength in wisdom, Addie; wisdom to know the difference."

"What are you trying to say, Derek?" she said softly.

"What I'm trying to say is… you're wrong."

"Excuse me?"

"You're wrong about how hopeless the situation is. It's not hopeless. It's not unworthy of your efforts. It won't be a waste of anything. If you decide to have surgery, Addie… you'll realize how life is worth a shot."

She was quiet, pondering on his words.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Adds."

"You asked me if I was scared… of dying. Well… I'm not scared of dying, Derek. I'm scared of having to live a miserable life."

"But you don't have to. You have me now."

"I've heard those promises before, Derek. And quite frankly, I don't know if I could trust you not to break my heart again. I love you, Derek, but I'm not brave enough to find out if my fears are farfetched."

He shook his head. "This is all my fault."

"What?"

"If I didn't… hurt you the way I did… you wouldn't be in this sort of situation. For all you know, you could be well on your way to recovery by now instead of being here, frail and still thinking about surgery. Addie, if I just treated you right and allotted at least 20 measly minutes of my time to listen to you while we were married, maybe we wouldn't be here."

She was silent.

"So I'm sorry, Addie. I'm sorry I made you lose hope, I'm sorry I made you lose faith. But please, if all you're thinking about is your future with me, which I'm confidently assuring you, then focus on other aspects of your life that you're good at. What about your _specialty_? You're an amazing and caring doctor, Addison. You're smart and have an excellent record. You're the go-to Neonatal, Adds. What about your _family_? Even though your parents are divorced and you haven't spoken to Archer in a while, they still care for you and love you. They always want to make sure that you're safe, and that you're happy. What about your _friends_? You've told me time and time again that you do not befriend people who give you the heebie-jeebies. You have an amazingly loyal circle of friends and all they want is for you to be safe. What about the fact that you're Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery, the woman who single-handedly saved triplet conjoined in the head? You're a wonderful person, Addison. You are. And all we need from you is to believe in your self-worth so that we could move forward, so that I could start proving to you that I won't ever leave your side no matter what."

"What if it isn't worth it?"

"What if it is? Come on, Addie. Where's the risk-taking girl I fell in love with?"

She looked at him pained. "She's right here… but where's the Derek _I _fell in love with?"

He paused, trying to think of a good way to convince her. "He's still here, Addie.", he said honestly. "He got lost along the way and lost sight of the clear road. But he's back on track now." He looked at her intensely. "If only you'll let him. If only you'll let _me_."

She sighed, shifting a bit so she was looking at him directly. "What if we screw up again?", she whispered.

"We won't."

"It could happen."

"It won't." he said firmly. "It just won't Addie. Do you honestly think I'd make the same mistake twice?"

Of course he wouldn't. If there was one thing she knew about him, it was his ability to learn from his mistakes. He always knew when enough was, always learned fast and always tried to make up for his shortcomings. That was Derek Shepherd she fell in love with. She felt conflicted. She didn't know if she was seeing Derek, or merely a desperate man. "I don't know what to believe anymore, Derek."

He smiled slightly. "You're as stubborn as ever."

"Glad to hear it."

"Me too. Does that mean you're getting your fighting spirit, back?"

"I'm still thinking."

He raised an eyebrow at her, urging her to tell him what was on her mind.

"I'm thinking about… how I just want to spend my remaining time like this."

"Like what?"

"With you here, treating me this way. It feels good. And I've missed this. I've missed cuddling and hugging and hearing you say all the right things. I've missed having you close to me, being able to hold you anytime I want to. This is what I've always wanted. And I could savor this, Derek. And I could die happy."

"Or we could spend everyday like this, Addie. Everyday for the next 50 or 60 or 70 years. Don't you want that?"

"Things would get… complicated, Derek."

"But at least we're together and we'd be fighting. We'd be working and making sure we don't travel the same road as last time."

She smiled. "I don't know.... but you have a point."

"Of course I do. I wouldn't be trying to convince you if I didn't think it was logical or worth it."

"Tell me something, Derek."

"Hmmm?"

"Do you love me? As in, love me like you did before? Do you love me the same? Because after what I did, even _I_ couldn't love myself the same way. I've always been sorted of disgusted with myself, especially when I look in the mirror. How could you love me when I couldn't even love myself?"

"It was hard… Addie. It was difficult to see past that mistake. But I've managed to overlook that now and see you in a whole new different perspective. I don't love you less. But I don't love you the same, either. In fact, I love you more. After seeing you _human_, capable of vulnerability and moments of weakness, I thought maybe you needed me, too. Like the way I needed you. And it made me hate myself for not realizing it sooner, for not caring to listen to any explanation. I just walked away that night, and I left you. And I could never forgive myself for that. I love you, Addison, and like I said before, I would spend the rest of my life proving that fact to you."

She nodded. "And you promise this time will be different than last?"

"I promise, Addison. I promise."

"Good."

"Good?"

"I believe you, Derek."

He was shocked. He wasn't expecting her to believe him so easily. "You do?"

"Yeah, I do. I figured I only had two choices, to live or to die. To live was to believe you and to die was to not believe you. If I were meant to die then God would find another way. That is, if my time's really up. So yes, I'll have the surgery, Derek. And I'll give you, us, that chance."

He looked absolutely elated. He had no idea how he managed to convince someone as stubborn as Addison Montgomery. Nancy and Savvy had failed to do it, and it proved to him just how much power he had over her. He swore he'd never take advantage of that power. "Really, Addie?"

"Don't look so surprised, Derek. You knew I was gonna say yes eventually." She laughed lightly.

"But.. I'm shocked! I thought you were gonna make it very difficult for me to get you to say yes. Oh god, Addie. You've made me so happy!" He hugged her closer and trailed kisses down her neck. "I love you Addison. I promise you won't regret this decision."

"Mmmm. And if I do?"

"You won't.", he promised, turning her head slightly before kissing her with so much passion. "I love you, Addison. I know I've been saying it like a broken record these past days but…god. I do love you. I love you and I wonder how I ever lost sight of that. I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too, Derek."

He smiled at her softly. "So yes?"

"Yes?"

"To surgery?"

"Yes to surgery. Because I love you Derek and I'm glad I realized that before everything's too late."

* * *

:) Stay tuned for the next chapters. :) Thank you for reading. :)


	13. Chapter 12

AN: I'm sorry it took a couple of days to update. I kindov lost inspiration for this story, so I had to get it back by immersing myself in YouTube Addek vids. GOD THEY SO ROCK. I am so totally obsessed with **pheobecolefan**'s videos. You all have to check her out. Her videos are fantastic. My favorite so far's Whiskey Lullaby and Feel This. :D Anyway, I gathered enough inspiration to type away today, and I think this could've been better written if it weren't for the fact that it's a hundred degrees out here and I'm melting. Hahaha. I probably have to start writing in an airconditioned room. I'm also drafting two other oneshots and another chapter story. It'll be up as soon as I finish this story. (Maybe the oneshots'll be up sooner but IDK. They're all up in the air now.)  
There. I hope you like this chapter. The last chapter wasn't exactly fluff. (I NEED HELP WITH FLUFF. Seriously.) I tried, though. Haha. :) Anyway, read and review guys!

*I own nothing. ( I mean, it's okay that I don't own Grey's Anatomy and all. All I really care about is owning Kate Walsh and Patrick Dempsey and the whole Addek ship. Maybe then they'd get somewhere. Prolly get married and have kids. IDK. I'm getting seriously insane. And I'm talking too much. Or typing. Whatever. I'm on sugar high. Sorry. :p )

* * *

Derek held Addison's hand as they waited at the doctor's office. She was going to get her initial check-up today, and she was nervous. She was starting to get used to the fact that she was going to live, and for the first time in a while, she had her heart set on something worthwhile and she was Addison again. Her foot nervously tapped on the floor as her palms began to sweat in Derek's.

"Stop shaking, Addie. It'll be fine." He tried to reassure her, squeezing her hand slightly.

"What if it isn't? What if it's too late?"

"Don't be such a pessimist. It's not too late. But if you keep on thinking that way, it may as well be too late." He chided her gently.

"But what if it is? Derek. I haven't exactly been looking out for myself these past months. I've been drinking—" She looked at him as he jaw dropped. "Don't look so surprised. You know how I get with my emotions. I've been drinking, and then.. you know… the pills. I haven't been taking vitamins or pain relievers or whatever. I took nothing. You know how it's like when you're aware you have a cold but do nothing, knowing it'll go away eventually? That's what I did, Der. I found out I had cancer and then… nothing. A couple of doctor appointments here and there but that's the extent of it. I did absolutely nothing, Derek. And the disease is progressing faster because of that."

Derek took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It wasn't an exaggeration when everyone told him she was hastening her death. He looked at her, pained. He had no idea what to say to that, no inkling as to what was _supposed_ to be said. "When Nancy said that you weren't getting any treatment… I didn't think it was an understatement. I never knew you could be this—"

"Masochistic?" She raised her eyebrow at him, still fidgeting in her seat. "It's not that, Derek."

"Then what is it?" He gazed into her eyes intensely. "I'm not getting any of the answers I want. I'm not getting closer to fully understanding you, Addie."

She sighed. "I wasn't expecting you to understand, Derek."

Before she could continue what she was saying, the receptionist called them into the doctor's office, postponing their conversation to a later time. It didn't help that Derek could practically feel the negativity emanating from Addison's body.

They walked into the office hand in hand, Addie still fidgeting and Derek trying to keep his beating heart in place. In essence, this was their life or death sentence. This appointment was going to determine whether or not Addison would have a chance. And although Derek would like to believe she did, there was also a fat chance Addison's lack of care would hinder him from achieving his goal.

Inside the office, an old, friendly man sat behind his desk, raising his head to take a good look at his patient.

"Ah. Ms. Montgomery. I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?" He smiled kindly at her.

"Dr. Clark.", she acknowledged the man with a nod. "This is my…" she looked at Derek unsurely.

"Fiance.", Derek supplied, reaching his hand out to shake the doctor's. "I'm Dr. Derek Shepherd. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"The pleasure is mine, doctors. Please, have a seat." He gestured for them to take the seats adjacent to his desk.

"Thank you." Derek muttered, guiding Addison to her seat.

"I am guessing that you're changing your mind with treatment, Ms. Montgomery."

"Yes, actually. My… fiancé.." she smiled at Derek, "talked me into it. Is there still a possibility?" She looked at the old man unsurely.

"We have treated women who are in far more progressed stages, Addison. There is still a possibility."

Derek sighed in relief as Addison expelled the breath she didn't realize she was holding. Derek took Addison's hand and squeezed it tightly, giving her an 'I-told-you-so' look. She merely shrugged.

Derek looked at the doctor. "What are her treatment options?"

"Well, at an advanced stage like this, the only option is a hysterectomy and a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. It means we remove almost every other part of your reproductive system, including your ovaries, as you may know. This is followed by 6 to 8 sessions of chemotherapy." He smiled kindly at Addison.

Addison's gaze met Derek's. "Are you gonna stick around for this?"

He smiled at her gently. "I promised you, didn't I? There's no where else I'd rather be, anyway."

The doctor cleared his throat, smiling at the couple. "We'll arrange for a couple of tests to be made. We'll measure your CA 125 levels then we'll work out a game plan. You have to know, though, that these things, this sort of treatment isn't going to be easy. But it'll be worth it. You're going to need the biggest support system you could get. I have had patients who've lost hope in the middle of treatment, and somehow only faith could convince them it's worth it. You look like a strong woman to me, Addison. And you, Derek, strike me as a man who cares for her very much." He smiled at them gently. "I'll prescribe a couple of medications to prepare your body for this, then I'll see you this Friday. Would that be okay?"

"That would be fine. Thank you."

After a couple of more pleasantries, they exited the office and headed out to Central Park. The last time they went to Central Park together, Derek had forgotten her birthday and wanted to make it up to her by recreating the night he proposed. Addison smiled beautifully at him, believing with all her heart that they could make it through the rough patches of their marriage. But really, the promises Derek made that night were all but forgotten the very next day.

"Would you forgive me if I change my mind?"

Derek looked at her oddly. "I thought you were getting used to the idea of us again."

"Humor me Derek and answer the question. Would you forgive me?"

He laughed lightly. "I think you take pleasure in questioning my morals." He squeezed her hand as they walked leisurely. "I suppose I would… forgive you, if I saw in your eyes that it's what you truly wanted. All I want is for you to be happy, Adds. And if it'll make you happy, I won't take it against you." He swallowed at the thought.

"It's just… a big risk, you know? It's a really difficult surgery, and recovery might I add. I'm not exactly sure I could pull through something this big. It'll be… life changing."

"Life changing doesn't begin to cut it, Adds. But like I said before, it's worth it. And you have me by your side." His gaze met Addie's, and for the first time, he noticed the sullen look behind the forced happiness, the tiredness behind the enthusiasm, and the weakness behind the pretense of strength. For the first time, he noticed how sick she actually looked, how exhausted and short breathed she was from all the things they've been doing. She was thin, pale, and the usual color on her cheeks faded. Her eyes lacked the sparkle they once held. It didn't help that at night, he felt her body shake once in a while, heard her breathe raspy intakes, noticed her regularly dizzy. It was dawning on him fully. His Addison was sick and he had to help her.

"Mmmmhmmm." She stopped walking and faced him, somewhat unsure how to go next. "At the doctor's office… you said… fiancé." She searched his eyes for an answer. "You honestly think we could work out… again? I thought we were going to take it slow."

"We will.", he promised. "But I want you to know what my intentions are and that's one of them."

She raised her eyebrow. "You're assuming I'd say yes, right? Because you called me your fiancé."

"I'm hoping, actually. Hoping hard." He flashed her one of his infamous McDreamy smiles.

"You're awfully cheeky." She playfully hit him on the chest.

"I've been told."

They continued walking, Derek's hand on the small of Addison's back. They lapsed into a comfortable silence as they reminisced the memories Central Park had for them. The silence was interrupted by Addie's mobile vibrating in her purse. She reached into her bag and fumbled for her mobile, finding it and answering it, not bothering to screen it.

"Addison Montgomery." Beside her, Derek mouthed 'Shepherd', to which she playfully smacked him on the arm.

"Addie!"

"Oh hi, Nancy! How have you been?"

Nancy laughed on the other end. "I feel like I should be asking you that question. How've you been?"

"I'm good. Derek and I are actually taking a walk right now."

"Wow. That's big. How's _he_ been?"

Addison looked at Derek with narrowed eyes, as if trying to gage he _had_ been. "He's been a pain in the ass.", she joked, laughing a bit as Derek pouted.

"Awww. That's my little brother!" She chuckled lightly.

"So why'd you call?", she asked, eager to find out why Nancy called out of the blue.

"Come on, Adds. You know why I called." She knew her sister in law would take the hint.

"Derek and I just came from the doctor's."

Nancy was ecstatic. "That's great, Addie! Absolutely great! I was beginning to think I had to write a letter to the President so he could personally convince you."

"A letter from President Obama wouldn't hurt, Nancy. I'll expect it in the mail." She was glad she was beginning to see the brighter side of things.

Nancy giggled excitedly, which was unbecoming of her considering how she was such a no nonsense woman. "Do I get to tell Mom?" Her smile was so huge, she couldn't contain her excitement.

"Sure. But I get to tell Savvy."

"Yiiiiiii! That's great! I'll call mom right now! Tell Derek good job, okay?"

"I definitely will."

"And I'm so glad you've finally said yes, Addison. We were afraid you might not."

"Oh, believe me. I almost didn't. But your pain in the ass brother helped me."

"Glad to hear it. Anyway, I gotta go and make the announcement. I'll talk to you soon?"

"Yup. And thank you. Nancy. For everything. I didn't get the chance to call and express my gratitude. Just. Thank you. It means a lot that you didn't give up on me."

"If everybody gave up on you Adds, then you'd be six feet under now. But people care. I'll always care. I love you, Sis. Okay?"

"I love you too, Nance. See you soon."

"Bye."

She hung up the phone and exhaled loudly. She stopped and looked at Derek, then suddenly threw her arms around him in silent thanks. Derek held her in his strong arms, stroking her back, trying to send his message across: he loved her and he wouldn't leave ever.

"I love you, Derek."

"I love you, too." They stayed like that for a moment longer. "What do you say we get some hotdogs and sit down? Just like old times."

"I'd say it sounds like a plan, Dr. Shepherd." She laughed lightly as they resumed walking, reaching the Sabret stand.

"No pickles, no catsup?" Derek looked at Addison questioningly.

"You know me well. And no mustard too. Just lots of cheese on it." She smiled at him, reaching into her purse for small bills.

Derek reached his arm out to stop her. "I got this one." He looked at her meaningfully. "And you don't change."

She laughed lightly. "I've changed, Derek. But New York hotdogs are a constant."

"Touche." He handed her her hotdog and took her arm, guiding her toward an empty bench. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Nope. Maybe after. We could get an ice cream, too."

He chuckled at her food enthusiasm. They sat in silence as they gobbled away at their hotdogs, shyly meeting each other's gaze and then looking to the ground. This was how they started, back in Med School, and Derek could feel the beginning of their life again. It gave him renewed hope that they could bring back what they had lost, for good this time.

Addison was about to take a bite from her hotdog when she felt a wave of dizziness overcome her. All of a sudden, her legs felt weak and her joints gave out. She dropped the sandwich and she had to close her eyes at the sudden pain on her lower abdomen. The world was spinning and she felt something warm trickling down her thighs.

"Addison?", she heard Derek say. She could sense the worry etched in his voice. "Addie?"

He didn't know what happened. One minute she was fine and joking, the next she was shaking, closing her eyes at the pain. He looked intently at her, the fear slowly overcoming him.

"Addie? Can you hear me?" He hastily threw his sandwich on the ground, standing up as he did. "We'll get you to the hospital okay?"

She could do nothing but nod. When she felt Derek lift her from her seat, she wasn't surprised by the way his body stiffened. She definitely was bleeding. And pain was beginning to get too much. She started bawling her fists and thrashing violently in his arms as he tried to steady her while running.

"Addison. You're bleeding. We'll get you out, okay? Hold on, honey. Hold on." He couldn't keep the worry from seeping into his voice. It was different when you actually saw the person you love struggling to breathe and all that.

"Derek.." she whispered, trying her best to keep her voice steady. "This has never happened before."

Derek was surprised by her feather lightness, but was even more surprised when the sudden wet sensation he felt when he lifted her off the ground started to trickle down abundantly. He started to run, towards the park exit, trying to clear his mind and get him to think clearly.

"I know. I know baby." His legs gave out as his body was filled with fear. He couldn't run anymore. His knees were giving out, the strength he said he would have slowly disappearing. He stumbled a couple of steps as he tried to lay Addie gently on a grassy area, reaching for his phone, trying to dial 911.

A woman who was walking by noticed what was happening and knelt beside Derek, offering to call 911. A crowd of people started to gather around them as Derek frantically tried to stop the bleeding. Addison's head lay on his knees, and his hands were trying to steady her. The tears were practically falling on his cheeks as he held Addison's hand in his.

"This… is… pretty embarrassing", she rasped, trying to lighten the mood.

"Don't worry about that baby. Don't you worry. Just hold my hand and stay awake, okay?"

Her back arched as a sudden wave of pain came, paralyzing her for a moment or two before she let go of Derek's hand, bring her hands to her ears and trying to block away the sounds of the city. Every sense was heightened, every pain, sound, sight was so easy to notice that it was driving her insane amid the burning dizziness.

Derek sat there, helplessly praying that the ambulance would get there faster. He took off his coat and tried to cover Addison's legs as best he could. The fear was gripping his heart, holding his courage and faith hostage as he watched Addison struggle with the waves of pain.

"Addison. You're strong. Remember that." He whispered those words, the emotions getting the better of him.

She nodded mutely, legs curling up and her head starting to thrash against Derek's knee. He lifted her a bit, his hands sweaty, and let her body lean against his. Addison's head was now resting on his shoulder, his lips trying to kiss away the pain.

"Der… this is too much." She was begging him softly.

"The ambulance is coming. Just. God damn it. Hold on. Hold on."

Those words, along with the wailing sound of an approaching ambulance were the last things she registered before falling out of consciousness. The pain overtook her, and it was now up to Derek and the team of hospital experts to save her.

* * *

Okay. So what are you all thinking? :) Let me know! And don't forget to check out the vids on youtube. They're absolutely fabulous! :D It gave me shivers while I was watching them. She has some pretty good Maddison vids, too. :D :D :D


	14. Chapter 13

AN: Thank you for the reviews. :) Here's the next chapter. :)  
-I still don't own Grey's

* * *

In a situation like this one, if there was something Derek was counting on, it was the skill and professionalism of the Mt. Sinai team. He knew they were a capable group of people, capable of saving lives, of performing even the riskiest of surgeries. He and Addison were once part of the team, before everything went to hell and they had moved to Seattle. The thought that she was being treated in the best place possible was the only comfort to Derek's worry-gripped heart.

The ride to the hospital was a complete blur. All he could make out was his tight grip on Addison's hand, and the swirling confusion in his brain. He couldn't, no, _didn't_ want to comprehend the numerous medical terms being tossed back and forth between the paramedics. He knew it wasn't good, and he opted to shove his doctoral degree to the back of his head. Today, he was a patient's family, not a doctor. He knew his mind could list off dozens of things wrong with her if he listened to them.

When they got the Emergency Room, Addison was whisked away to some exam room, where she was still bleeding and unconscious. Derek paced outside, trying to calm himself. This was the first time he ever had to deal with a situation like this; his wife, well, fiancé had ovarian cancer and was now bleeding profusely. It had been a while since he was a patient's family member waiting for answers, as opposed to the doctor providing such answers. He had no idea what to do at a situation like this. He couldn't pick up the phone to call anyone, not Nancy or Savvy or his mom. He was too numb to think of anything other than the love of his life possibly dying.

His face turned pale, if that was even possible, as an intern came out and hurried over to him. Her face was grave as she tried to speak, seemingly uncomfortable with the fact that she was delivering bad news.

"Mr. Shepherd?", she approached him cautiously.

"How is she?" He couldn't keep the panic from his voice. He knew he must have looked like a nervous wreck in front of her, but he couldn't care less. All he cared about was getting Addison out of harm's way.

"The doctors… couldn't stop the bleeding." She cleared her throat, mentally preparing herself to give out the bad news.

Derek's mind couldn't focus on anything. It was as if it was readying itself for the worst, clearing his thoughts of anything negative so that he could stay strong. He couldn't register what the young intern was saying. He could see her mouth moving but there was no coherence in his head.

_The only sound he could hear was the grandfather clock ticking in the hall. It was well past three in the morning and Addison got paged in two hours earlier. She had insisted he stayed home since he had the day off, and promised to try to get back at a decent hour. He sighed, shifting in bed. He never really could sleep without her beside him. On call rooms never gave him a restful sleep unless she was with her._

_He reached his hand over to the nightstand and picked up the remote, turning the TV on and watching the news rather idly. He decided to abandon every hope of sleep, knowing full well that it would be a futile effort anyway. Unconsciously, he reached for Addison's pillow and hugged it close to him, inhaling the scent of her hair permanently engraved on the sheets. _

_An hour or so had passed as he lazily scanned through the channels, not really registering anything he was watching. He was jolted from his thoughts as his mobile rang loudly on the nightstand. He checked the time noting it was 4:30 am and wondered who in the world would call him at that hour. _

"_Hello?", he said rather grumpily. _

"_I knew you'd be awake." The voice on the other end was tired, but teasing and cheery. _

"_Hey, Adds. How'd your surgery go?" He smiled lightly at the cheeriness in her voice. _

"_It went well. Mother and baby's fine. How long have you been up?"_

"_Practically since you left. I can't sleep without you."_

_She laughed heartily. "That's sweet. But you ought to get some sleep now. I get the rest of the day off today so I'm taking you somewhere special."_

_He was glad they had the day off together. "I have a feeling I should be the one surprising you. It's like we've traded places. You're supposed to be the one at home, unable to sleep and I'm supposed to be the one working at 4:30 in the morning and planning out a surprise for you."_

"_Well, you know we're not exactly a conservative couple so I'm allowed to be unconventional." _

_He laughed at this. "Alright. Drive safely okay? And hurry home."_

"_I will. I love you."_

"_I love you more, honey." He shut his phone off and started to wonder where Addison was going to take him. He stood up and closed the curtains so he and Addie could have a couple more hours of sleep and then turned off the TV, patiently waiting for his wife to get home. _

_He must have drifted off to slumber land because about 30 minutes later, he was startled by the sound of the front door closing, followed by light footsteps up the staircase. He smiled to himself as Addison reached the bedroom, kicking off her shoes and entering the bathroom. She emerged minutes later in her pajamas and got under the covers, snuggling close to Derek._

_He enveloped her in his arms as he kissed her forehead tenderly, closing his eyes at the overwhelming bliss he was feeling. _

"_Mmmm. Good night, Der."_

"_Night Addie." _

_Derek woke up three hours later to the sound of the shower running and Addison singing softly. He recognized the tune. It was their wedding song, a song he chose specifically for Addison. _

_Her voice was melodious, something she denied every time someone pointed it out to her. "Suddenly the world seemed such a perfect place, suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace…"_

_He got out of bed and walked to the bathroom door, leaning against the frame as he silently joined her singing. "Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste. It all revolves around you."_

_Addison was subtly aware that Derek was up and was singing with her softly. She smiled. Derek had always been a sensitive, sentimental man. _

_Their voices blended together as they each remembered their wedding dance. It was magical. The way Derek's eyes seemed to glitter and the way Addison's dress made her look like she was floating. They glided together on that dance floor, not a care in the world, everyone around them disappearing. _

"_And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide. Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side. Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide, but I love you until the end of time." _

_By that moment, Derek had walked inside the bathroom, admiring Addison's curve from behind the glass sliding door. Addison suddenly stopped singing, aware of Derek's presence inside the small room. Derek quickly took this as an invitation and stripped his clothes off, joining Addison inside the shower. _

"_Good morning, Der."_

"_Good morning, Addie." He smiled at her before lowering his lips unto hers, kissing her softly but with passion and love. _

"_Der?" She suddenly voiced, breaking the kiss._

_He groaned a bit. "Yes, love?"_

_She looked at him intensely, willing him to see the sincerity behind her words. "Come what may, I will love you until my dying day."_

He was jolted out of his thoughts as the realization of the memory overcame him.

"Sir?" The intern looked at him questioningly.

"I… I'm sorry. I didn't hear a word you said." He sighed at his stupidity. He allowed himself to get entranced by the memory that he overlooked the fact that his Addison _was_ dying.

"The doctors couldn't stop the bleeding and she has to be wheeled to the OR immediately if we want to save her. She's hemorrhaging and the doctors want to continue on with the hysterectomy to save her life. There's no time to explain much right now, but someone will be up to tell you. But at the moment, you have to sign consent forms."

It never occurred to Derek that what Addison went through today was out of the normal. He was worried for her safety, but part of him was sure that bleeding and the rest of her symptoms were normal for a woman with cancer at such an advanced state. He was more than positive that the doctors at the hospital were competent enough to deal with a situation like this. So it came as a shock to him when this intern told him his wife needed an emergency surgery to save her. He nodded numbly, mumbling something about getting the papers immediately.

He sighed, his head aching and his body turning limp at the helplessness that he felt. The intern came back with the necessary legal papers and he signed them, sitting down in the waiting room.

_"Addison. I don't understand why you need three suitcases for a weekend at the Hamptons." He sighed as he reluctantly loaded the last suitcase into the car. They were driving off to their vacation home to celebrate their 5th anniversary. It was special because most couples they knew didn't even reach their third._

_She smiled at him cheekily as she gave her a quick kiss. "One always has to be ready, Derek. Who knows, you might take me somewhere special and I have nothing to wear." She winked at him playfully._

_"Addie. It's a weekend. What can we possibly do in a town like the Hamptons?" He climbed into the car and started the ignition, heading out to the highway._

_"A lot of things, honey. Shopping and dining. Probably star spotting, too."_

_"You're not the type to get star struck." He smirked at her._

_"I know. I was just trying to point out to you that there are a lot of things to do out there."_

_"Mmmhmm. No wonder you tricked me into buying the house."_

_She playfully slapped him on the arm. "Hey. We bought that together. Not just you."_

_"Fine. We, emphasis on the we, bought that together. But I still retain that you tricked me into getting that house instead of something more practical, like, say a weekend penthouse in the city."_

_She raised her eyebrow at him. "That's practical? A weekend penthouse? Derek, that is in no way practical. If we wanted to go for a vacation, we wouldn't exactly feel rested when we're in the same city."_

_He momentarily looked away from the road to gaze at Addison. "I'd feel rested wherever you are."_

_"Yeah, right. Because us fighting and making love the whole day is soooo restful." The playful sarcasm was dripping through every word._

_"It is." He smirked at her triumphantly. "It is because I have my darling wife to keep me company, to wait at my every wish, wash my feet and cook my dinner."_

_She laughed lightly. "There's no way I'd be washing your feet and cooking your dinner, Derek. Remember Thanksgiving?"_

_"Aaah. Hotdogs for Thanksgiving. That was memorable."_

_"Of course it was. For you. I almost gave Nancy salmonella."_

_"But they still love you, honey."_

_She snorted, which was unladylike of her, but she couldn't help it. "Anyway, what have you got planned for us?"_

_"Oh, nothing really. Maybe sit down in front of the TV and watch a basketball game with you. Does that sound romantic?" He glanced at her expression, taking pride at the playful pout she had on her lips._

_"Not at all. Derek," she whined. "We're celebrating our 5th year. That's got to be something. Aren't you even taking me out for dinner?"_

_Of course he had planned something out. He had asked Savvy and Weiss to drive out earlier in the week the set the place up, and ordered dozens of flowers to be placed inside the house. He just loved the way she looked when she was frustrated. "Well, I was thinking of just getting Chinese take-out." He looked at her reaction._

_She huffed frustrated. "This is going to be a horrible weekend." She muttered under her breath. "Just… turn around, Derek and take me back home. I'm not up for a weekend with you anymore." She looked out the window._

_He was surprised she didn't get the joke in his tone. He reached his hand out for hers, but she pulled away. Sighing, he continued driving._

_There was about 15 minutes of silence before Addison started to speak again. "I bought new lingerie for you, Derek.", she said bitterly. "And you know how itchy those make me feel. But I bought them for you because I know how much you like them." She looked at him again. "Happy goddamn anniversary, Derek."_

_Despite the moment, he smiled at her. "You look sexy in lingerie."_

_"Shut up, Derek. Just take me home."_

_"But we are going home."_

_"No. Home to New York, home to the brownstone, home to the people who are actually willing to celebrate an anniversary with me."_

_"Okay. You know what, let me make this clear. I have no idea why you're such a killjoy today but I was joking. I don't know why you didn't that but, god, do you honestly think I don't want to celebrate with you, Addison? Seriously?"_

_She remained silent, looking at the panoramic view as they passed it._

_He sighed again. "Do you really want to ruin the surprise?"_

_"There is no surprise, Derek."_

_"Well guess what, there is. I was gonna take you out to that roofless restaurant you love so much. The one under the stars? I was going to take you out to dinner and dancing. Then I was going to surprise you with, gee I don't know, a new car and a couple of daisies because I know how much you love daises. Then I was going to drive you to this beach I read on the internet, where they have a beautiful sunrise. And I know you'd love the sunrise." He sighed. He didn't know why he was worked up. He was supposed to keep his calm and prove Addison wrong when they got there. But he was angry because Addison was assuming a lot of things that were out of line._

_"Pull over, Derek."_

_He looked at her disbelievingly. "What?"_

_"I said pull over. Are my lips moving too fast for you? Pull over."_

_"Addison are you crazy? We're in the middle of a highway and you want me to pull over?"_

_"Then take an exit and pull over a side street. I don't care what you do. Just pull the goddamn car over." She didn't mean to sound nasty, or bitchy. But that's the way it came out._

_He pulled over the shoulder lane, angrily stepping on the brakes to let Addison feel his displeasure. He slammed to a stop, huffing angrily as he looked at Addison. "Are you happy now?"_

_"Get out of the car."_

_Derek couldn't believe her. "Excuse me?" He ran a hand through his air angrily. "You want me to get out of my fucking car?" Addison stared at him defiantly. "Fine!", he yelled, slamming the door behind him._

_Addison got out of the car as well, walking over to where he was. She smirked at him. "Thank you."_

_He looked utterly confused. "What?"_

_But before he could say anything more, Addison threw herself at him, her lips hungrily searching for his. They stood there, in the middle of the highway, bodies pressed closely, hands roaming each other and lips dancing in sync with tongues. They were breathless, making out that way as all the tension melted into passion._

_Derek was the first to reluctantly pull away, leaning his forehead against hers. "Maybe..", he kissed her jaw line tenderly, "we should drive faster to the Hamptons."_

_"Or maybe.." she sucked at his neck, earning herself a moan of pleasure from Derek, "we could just check in in one of the hotels around here."_

_"As tempting as that sounds, Addie, we have a reservation at that restaurant and I don't want us missing out on that."_

_She pouted at him playfilly. "Okay. Your loss."_

_He laughed. "Not really. I get you with lingerie tonight so… I can wait." He kissed again chastely on the lips before escorting her back to the car._

_"I love you, Adds."_

_"Mmm. Love you too, Derek."_

It appeared as if his mind was building up a defense mechanism to keep himself from the feeling of dread and panic. He was trying to be strong, for her sake.

He stood up from the waiting room chair. He couldn't bear the sickeningly white walls, or the constant hum of numerous machines across the hall. He couldn't bear to see the hope mixed with worry in the eyes of the other occupants of the room. He had to stay positive, or else the look on Addie's face today would eat him alive.

He walked out, almost jogging, his feet leading him to somewhere he didn't know. Subconsciously he found himself outside hospital's prayer room. It surprised him. He and Addie were never the religious type of couple. Sure they heard mass on Christmas and Thanksgiving, but that was basically the extent of it. It was something they had to pick up on considering the condition Addie was in the profession they led.

Cautiously lifting his feet towards the door, he mentally stabled himself to enter. It wasn't anything he was used to. It was a foreign feeling, to be asking someone else for help, to pray to a higher being for Addison's safety.

But as he entered, an overwhelming feeling of comfort claimed him, and the tears he had been trying to hold started cascading down his cheeks. He was helpless, paralyzed and weak at the moment. He had no choice but to believe that someone up there was looking for his Addie, for him. He had to believe that no matter how screwed up they had become, that higher being was a constant.

His knees gave out as he kneeled on one of the pews, folding his hands and bowing his head in prayer. The tears continued to fall as he shut his eyes tightly, trying to find the right words to say.

There was no one else inside the small room, and for that, he was thankful. He was thankful only God would see him vulnerable, that to the outside world, he was still a strong man believing that his wife would make it. He cleared his throat.

"I know… I haven't exactly been in touch, God. But today… the love of my life has been in surgery for five hours. I have no updates; I know nothing that's going on in there. And I'm worrying my head off. God… I need some sort of reassurance that she's going to be fine, that she's going to live and that we're going to have a life together after this." He lifted his head up, his eyes landing on the crucifix so proudly displayed at the center of the altar. He sniffed slightly before continuing. "I love her. And I would gladly take her place. I'm sorry I treated her badly but you have to know that I'm in it for the long run now, that I'm working to make amends. You have to know that, you're God! You have…. To know how sincere I am. Please."

The tears that were streaming down his face were indications of the grief he was succumbing to. He would trade places with her in a heartbeat if he could. He would do anything to have her safe and healthy again. Anything.

The sound of footsteps running across the hallway and the subsequent opening of the chapel door led him to tear his gaze away from the cross. By doorway was the intern from earlier today, trying to catch her breath as she steadied herself.

"Dr. Shepherd. Something's wrong with your wife…"

* * *

Thank you for reading. :)


	15. Chapter 14

AN: I was going to update last night, but the document manager wasn't cooperating. Hahaha. Here's the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews. :)

* I do not own Grey's Anatomy whatsoever.

* * *

If it were any normal day, the fact that the intern called Addison his wife would've made him smile this goofy grin. On any other day, the mention of Addison being his wife would have thrown him into a blind state of bliss, if only for the fact that Addison was the love of his life. But today was not any normal day. Today, everything was going wrong and it all caught him off guard.

He didn't wait to hear what else the young intern had to say. He bolted right out of the chapel and ran towards the waiting rooms, his eyes frantically scanning for someone to tell him what the hell was going wrong. His heart was beating fast, and he was sweating profusely, a trait he had whenever he was nervous.

Two men, around their mid thirties, gingerly approached Derek. They were walking so slowly that all their subtle movements became excruciatingly obvious. The taller man's hands were shaking while the rather stubby man's eyes blinked twice the rate of a normal person's. When they reached him, he was standing tall, dreading what they had to say. If something was wrong with Addison, he was going to have to take it the best way possible.

"Dr. Shepherd." The tall man acknowledged Derek. "I'm Dr. Allen, and this," he gestured to the shorter man, "is Dr. John. He's the anesthesiologist and I'm the attending looking out for your wife."

"I understand something is wrong." He tried to speak as calmly as possible, but really, it was just a facade. He was anything but calm and collected.

The two men looked at each other nervously.

"Why don't we take a seat so that we could explain the situation thoroughly?"

Derek would've scoffed off the suggestion with some sassy retort if he didn't see the fear in Dr. John's eyes. He knew then the news was far, farther than he expected, from good. He moved to sit down, eyeing the man suspiciously. The turmoil in his chest was starting to grow.

"Okay. I'm sitting. _Now_ will you tell me what's wrong? How is she?"

Dr. Allen gestured for Dr. John to speak. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair, clearing his throat as he avoided Derek's eyes. "Dr. Shepherd. There were… complications.." he gulped, steadying himself, "during the surgery. I was not aware of the fact that your wife had a previous case of sleeping pill overdose. It's a pretty recent case and it didn't turn up in her record until after we've induced the anesthesia." The doctor looked at Derek regretfully.

The taller doctor interrupted, putting a hand on Dr. John's shoulder. "We successfully removed the uterus and the ovaries. We'll test her CA-125 levels soon. We've also contacted her regular physician and he's going to take a look at her tomorrow."

Derek's heart contracted in pain. "There's something you're not telling me. We're all doctors, gentlemen. I think it'd be best you just spit it out and tell me."

The two men once again shared a look, as if pushing each other to break the bad news. Dr. John cleared his throat. "There were complications with the residual pills and the anesthesia. The residue is normal for someone who's gone through an overdose such as this. It usually takes about two to three weeks to be completely rid of by the body. But…" he hesitated a bit, "the anesthesia reacted with said residue and she's… she's slipped into a coma."

_Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma_. The words kept on repeating itself in his head. _Coma. Coma. Coma_. His Addison had cancer _and_ was in a coma. He felt as if the air was knocked right out of him. "How long do you expect…?" The words he spoke were soft; trying to convince him this was all just a bad dream. He didn't want to believe it.

The men looked at each other. "That's sort of the problem, sir."

Derek looked at the men. "What do you mean?"

Dr. Allen raised his eyes, as if empowered by what he was about to say. "She started to crash in the middle of the surgery, and when we stabilized her, she fell into a coma. We had no choice but to continue on with the hysterectomy in order to save her. We _did _save her, sir."

The stubby man raised his eyes to Derek's. "If it's any consolation, sir, Dr. Allen successfully removed the tumor so more or less, the cancer is gone. However, due to the advanced stage the cancer was in, chemotherapy, and possibly radiation therapy will be necessary to ensure full recovery."

Derek raised his hand up, signalling them to shut up. "Let me get this straight. You're telling me that my wife is on her way to being cancer free but that she's in a coma and you have no idea when, _if she ever will_, wake up? Am I understanding you correctly?" Anger flashed through his eyes. "You're telling me that the cancer isn't going to kill my wife, but it's going to be some stupid neurological mistake you _bastards_ didn't even try to fix?" He stood up, looking down at the two men. His heart was beating fast, his head was starting to hurt, and if it were possible, smoke would have been coming out of his nose with the anger he was feeling. "I thought you were the best goddamn hospital on the East Coast! You didn't fucking save my wife's life! You very possibly ended it tonight! You're such _stupid bastards_! You practically killed my wife tonight, you fucking assholes! Where is she? Where the hell is she?" Anger like he had never felt before was coursing through his veins. He never expected something like this to happen. His wife was in a coma. His beautiful Addie. The panic was rising along with the anger, and a bunch of people were looking at him. He was turning into a mad man. He desperately wanted to hit those fools, those people who had the nerve to call themselves doctors. At the back of his head, he knew he was being irrational, and that he had been in the same position as those doctors. But now he was in the place of the patient's family, being delivered horrible news, and he reacted like everybody else would. He was angry, and the hope was slipping.

He was so lost in his wrath that he didn't notice the young intern escort him to Addison's room. A sense of deja vou overtook him as he remembered the day he saw Addison after her overdose. He stopped at the door, feeling the intern's questioning eyes on him.

"I can… handle this myself.", he said without looking at her. He was willing the young girl to understand his need to be alone. She nodded and scurried off to the other direction.

His hand tentatively reached for the knob, mentally preparing himself. He was frustrated with the hospital for allowing this to happen. He had faith in them, truly believed in their power to save his wife. But what use would it be that she was cancer-free if she would never wake up from that coma? He couldn't think that way, of course. He had to remain positive.

Almost as if hesitation punched him on the face, his hand lifted from the knob as if it were burned. He couldn't go in there. He couldn't see her, not like this. He wasn't strong enough to carry the burden of seeing her that way, knowing it was all his fault. His heart could take no more ache.

So he ran. Ran far from her room, ran to the pouring rain outside of the hospital. He had no idea what overcame, but he knew, he knew he couldn't see her that way. Running, it seemed, helped him clear his mind, helped him make sense of the things he couldn't comprehend.

When he reached the parking lot, the rain started to soak him and he realized he was figuratively lost. He had no idea why he ran, no idea why everything that could possibly go wrong was indeed going wrong, no idea why a wonderful woman such as Addie was being punished, no idea why, just as he was ready to make amends with her, some horrible twister of fate was preventing him to do so.

"Is this your idea of some sick joke, God?" He was shouting, his eyes raised towards the heavens. "Is this you punishing me and Addie for not trying hard enough?" The tears that were falling down his cheeks were starting to mix with the rain. "Am _I_ not trying hard enough?" He stood there, sobbing his heart out as the rain soaked his skin. He didn't care that he looked like a lunatic outside the hospital, didn't care that he could possibly get sick from the dampness. He didn't care about anything anymore. All he wanted was for all the misery to end so that he could live his life happily with Addison.

"I just need her to be okay, God. Then maybe I could start making sense of my life and going down the right track. I love her. You have to see that. You just have to."

-

An hour or so later, he found himself once again situated outside Addie's door, dripping wet but with renewed determination. He squared his shoulders, reaching his hand out to twist the knob, vowing to himself that those incompetent doctors would pay for what they had done. He felt no sympathy for them, only for Addie, for their chance together hanging on to a fraying thread.

Carefully opening the door, the beeping sound of the respirator and the heart machine instantly greeted him, followed by the sight of Addison, now paler than ever. He had to take comfort in the fact that the hysterectomy was a success, or else he would get lost in the sea of heartbreak he knew beheld him.

Ignoring the pain he felt banging on his tightening chest, he walked over to where she lay, tenderly taking her hand in his and bringing it to his lips to kiss softly.

"Hey, Adds. I wasn't… expecting this." He chuckled slightly at his attempt at humor. "I mean… I wasn't expecting you'd… I don't know. Is attack the right word?" He paused for a moment, considering how he'd talk to her as if she could hear him. "Just so you know, Adds, even though all of these things are unexpected, I'm still here, and I'm not going to leave you. These goddamn doctors are gonna pay for this, I swear. And I'm taking you to a different place that can care for you better. I'll consult. I think you'll like that." He smiled in spite of himself. "But I'm only going to do that if you promise you'll hold on, okay?" He kissed her cheek lightly, once again trying to focus on something else other than the fact that he wanted to hit and throw and _kill_.

He stood up, pulling his mobile from his pocket and to dial the chief. He knew it was rather unfair that the chief would find out before Nancy and Savvy and his mom and Archer, but there was serenity in the way the chief handled situations such as this.

"Webber."

"Chief, it's Derek."

Smiling widely and anticipating news, he greeted Derek. "Derek! How've you been? How's Addison?"

Derek figured it would be best if he started with good news. "We're at the hospital, actually. She agreed to surgery and she's just had a hysterectomy. She'll have chemotherapy after this."

"That's wonderful!" He couldn't keep the enthusiasm from his voice, as well as the joy he felt as the surrogate father of such a promising woman. "You did a great job, Shepherd. How is she? I'll try to come visit soon."

Derek sighed. It was time for the horrible truth. "Chief, there were… complications."

Richard took a seat, fumbling with the phone slightly. "Surely nothing Mt. Sinai can't handle."

"That's what I thought today. The things that have happened lately.. they're not exactly comforting events."

"What do you mean? Don't keep an old man waiting, Derek. My heart can only beat a couple of times a minute."

"Remember the New York emergency I told you about? The reason why I came here in the first place?"

"That was a couple of weeks ago, Shep. Don't doubt my memory."

"It was an Addison emergency. She sort of… tried to kill herself."

"What?!" Derek had to hold the phone away from his ear slightly. "She tried to what? What the hell? That's not like Addie! What'd she do? Derek!"

"Sleeping pills.", he said simply. "But the hospital worked that out and she was fine. I took her home and she was fine. And she agreed to do the surgery. But today, we were at the park, and she…" he closed his eyes at the memory. His mind couldn't stop playing it over and over, seeing her pale and bleeding. It sucked the life out of him. "she started to bleed and to make a long story short, she had to be taken to surgery but the bastards induced the wrong amount of anesthesia and now… she's in a coma." His last few words were whispered.

There was silence before Richard fully registered what Derek said. "Oh my god."

"They were trying to tell me that they successfully removed the tumor and that it was reason enough to be calm." He snorted, "As if that helps. _As if_ that'll make things better."

"How long do they expect her to be out?" It was the only rational thing to do: to thing like a doctor. Lest, he would be wallowing in pity for Addison and Derek and he would be no help.

"That's the issue, chief. They don't exactly know." His heart felt heavy as he voiced out his worries. "They don't know if she will…"

Silence.

"I need your help, chief."

His voice sounded melancholy. "With what?"

"I want to sue them. They don't deserve to be called doctors. I need you to find me a legal consult and the best lawyer in all of America. I'm not letting them get away with this."

"I'll make sure to find you the best, Derek. And bring her home, will you? She'd be better off surrounded with the people who care for her."

"Thank you, chief."

"I'll find time to visit."

"That'd be wonderful."

"Alright. I gotta let you go now. I have a meeting in a while."

"Alright. Thank you, chief. For everything."

"You're welcome. Take care of her."

When they hung up, the chief slouched on his chair, wondering how everything could've gone wrong. He was in Seattle, helpless with the way his _daughter_ was faring. After the meeting, he would make arrangements so that justice was brought.

---

"Nancy?"

"Hey, Derek! I just got off the phone with mom this morning."

"I have news."

Nancy wrinkled her forehead in anticipation. Derek rarely called her, especially on a day where there was nothing special going on. "Okay? Spill."

"Nance. I think you have to sit down."

"What is it with you and Addie and I and sitting down? Recently, whenever we call each other, we always have to be sitting down. What's the big news? Did she change her mind?" Nancy fiddled with the hem of her shirt, nervously waiting.

"No… no she didn't change her mind."

"Okay? What then? I'm sitting down, Derek. Now hurry. You're prolonging the agony."

"She didn't change her mind. God did. And some lousy doctors, too."

"What do you mean? Derek… if you don't tell me now I swear, I am going to inflict bodily harm on parts you really, _really_, want to keep till you die." She huffed. This guessing game was getting to be tiring.

"After your phone call this morning, she started to… feel dizzy. And then she collapsed. And the next thing I knew, she was on the ground bleeding and she had to be taken to the hospital."

Nancy knew it was going to be awful news. "How is she now?"

"She's in a coma?"

The doctor in Nancy tried to prevail. "And induced coma?"

"More like a carelessly and thoughtlessly induced one."

Nancy remained silent, trying to comprehend Derek's words.

"There was something from her overdose that reacted with the anesthesia. They didn't check her record earlier and induced it. By the time they knew about it, they were halfway through the hysterectomy and they just chose to ignore it."

"When do they expect her to wake up?"

It was getting harder and harder each time, to voice out the reality of Addison's situation. But he knew it had to be done. "They don't know if she will.", he said quietly, once again feeling the tears pool at the corners of his eyes.

Nancy's heart seemed to have stopped beating at a regular rhythm. Above anything, she didn't expect to hear that. Working with the Mt. Sinai team herself, she couldn't quite comprehend how in the world it had come to that point. Sure they probably had their reasons and probably evaluated the lesser evil, but it didn't change the fact that her sister and friend was in a life threatening situation. "What… what are you planning to do?"

"I don't know, Nancy. It's neurological, so I'll probably take it upon myself to consult. I won't allow any more screw ups, Nance. And the only way to make sure of that is to do it myself."

Nancy nodded. "You're a capable doctor. You could do that. And technically you aren't married so you can operate." She was trying to think logically and stay calm. After all, Derek sometimes had the tendency to exaggerate and this could be one of his bouts of exaggeration. But then, he wouldn't lie about how his fiancé was faring.

Derek looked at this feet, pacing Addison's room. "And… I was thinking of taking her back to Seattle."

Nancy's eyes snapped open. "Derek are you crazy? How do you move a person in a coma and take her cross country to a place that never stops raining?"

"Nancy, right now, I don't care how I'm supposed to move her. All I care about is getting her away from this hospital and taking her to a treatment facility that's so much more capable than this one. Seattle Grace is a great hospital, and she has friends there."

"The slutty intern is there, too.", Nancy pointed out.

"So? I told you that Meredith and I are over. Besides, with the chief there, and Burke and Sloan, she'd be well taken cared of. Plus, I'll be there. I'll make sure she makes it though this."

"Der. I hate to say this but right now, you're not thinking like a doctor. You're thinking like a scorned man. I honestly don't believe that moving her to a city she absolutely _loathes_ would do her any good."

"It would give me peace of mind, Nancy. You know not even the chief would let anything happen to her."

"I'm not doubting Seattle Grace's capability to take care of her. But think about how Addie would feel. You're bringing her to a place where her life was practically hell. I don't think she would appreciate that."

"Then where else would I bring her, Nancy? I've lost all trust in this hospital."

Nancy sighed. She knew of nowhere else he could bring Addison. They would have to take a chance. "I know that. But do you think that gloomy environment would do her any good?"

"I have to believe that, Nancy. I'm losing my mind trying to think of what's best for her."

"If you... believe that it's best then... take her to Seattle. I'm not saying I, Savvy or mom would be pleased with that decision. You're going to take Addison away from us. But you're the reason she's fighting now so I'll just have to make them understand."

Derek breathed a sigh of relief, albeit momentary considering the situation they were still in. "Thank you, Nancy. I'll make arrangements with the chief for her transfer to Seattle."

"I hope you're doing the right thing, little brother."

"I hope I am too."

"So that's it?"

"That's it. I'm taking Addison back to Seattle."

* * *

Thank you for reading! :)


	16. Chapter 15

AN: I HAVE FINALLY UPDATED THANK GOD. I am so sorry for the one-month delay. My hard drive crashed, and although it would've been best for me to have just rewritten the chapter, I didn't want to because I'd already finished it before it malfunctioned. (I finally get to update my phone, my fics and everything else because god... I never realized my hard drive was essentially my life.) Anyway. I apologize for the wait. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter though. :) Thanks!

I doubt anyone reads these things so hello to you if you do. :)

Thanks for the awesome reviews, and like I've said before... I DO NOT OWN GREY'S ANATOMY UNFORTUNATELY. :)

* * *

The harsh helicopter wind collided with Richard Webber's face as he tried to protect his eyes from the down draft of the monstrous machine. It had been two days since Addison's operation. And although she was in no condition to be moved so soon after a major surgery, Derek had insisted that she would be tightly tucked in warm blankets to facilitate her transfer from Mt. Sinai in New York, to Seattle Grace. The arrangements were made hastily, but flawlessly, and now they were waiting for the helicopter's touch down.

Shielding his eyes with his hands, Richard Webber fought against the down draft to reach the paramedics carrying Addison and Derek.

Derek had held Addison's hand in his during the entire journey. He was nervous, fearing for Addison's safety. They were 3,000 feet above the ground, with a bunch of machines and tubes connected to Addison to keep her alive even amid her recovery from the surgery. He was fearful of anything that seemed out of the normal, checking her vitals every five minutes just to be sure. He was trying to convince himself that moving Addison back to Seattle where he could keep a closer eye on her was the best option. He refused to sit and wait at a hospital with no clue as to how Addison was. He wanted to take action, to do things himself so that he could find comfort in the fact that he was not letting her go without a fight. He desperately wanted her to live, to wake up. He wanted to be able to look at her green eyes again, to hear her voice again, to make love to her again. He wanted to be able to hold her, to love show her how much he loved her in every way possible. But it was a challenge because they knew nothing of the damage and its extent on her body.

He carefully stepped down from the helicopter, assisting the paramedics in alighting Addison, keeping a close eye on them so that he was sure they weren't handling her like a random patient. This was Addison Forbes Montgomery- _Shepherd_. She was a VIP.

"Derek." Richard walked over to him, shaking his hand while keeping his eyes on Addison. "How is she?"

Derek looked unsurely at Addison, as if dreading the true of nature of how she was. "Her vitals are normal. But other than that…"

"I know. But we're going to get to the bottom of this, don't worry."

Together, they escorted the paramedics into the building, keeping a watchful eye at Addison. Richard had prepared and room especially for her. It was a VIP room, and since not a lot of patients could afford such a hotel-like room, it was to Derek's disposal. Addison deserved the best, after all.

"What's your game plan Derek?" They had settled Addison, Derek seated beside her, her hand in his. He was lovingly stroking her face as Richard tried to spark a conversation.

"I plan on being her attending, Richard."

"Derek. That's not possible. You're too emotionally involved."

"I know. But I don't trust anyone else. I'll run the labs, run tests, run everything I could to find a solution to this. Then I'll operate if I have to, administer drugs if I have to, or _wait forever_ if I have to."

Richard sighed. "Derek, you know you and Addie are like the children Adele and I never had. And I would hate for you to blame yourself if anything ever---"

"Nothing is going to happen, chief. I'm the best. You know that."

"I know that. But you're not thinking like a doctor, Derek."

It was Derek's turn to sigh. "Then what else should I do, Richard?"

Richard thought for a moment, trying to come up with an alternative. He knew Derek was stubborn, just as Addison was. Nothing could get him to change his mind, and right now, his mind was set on the fact that he was the only one who could help Addison. "What tests are you going to run?", he conceded after a while.

He smiled at Richard gratefully. "I'll start with an MRI and a blood test, then go from there. I want to know how much she'll respond to outside stimuli. I also need to know how much she could do alone."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, figure out which of these," gesturing to the machines, "she can live without."

The older man eyed the younger one carefully. "Derek. Are you sure you're up for this? I think you have to… grieve first."

"I've grieved enough.", he snapped, startling Richard. Upon seeing his hesitance, he sighed. "I'm sorry. All of this is just taking its toll on me. I… can't allow myself to be morose, Richard. I'm sure you understand."

"It'll keep you sane, I suppose.", he relented. "But you're not doing this alone. I'm assigning myself on this case so we're working together and keeping an eye on each other. Our sole focus is to get Addison to recover."

-

"Hey Mer. Did you hear the She-Shepherd's back?" Cristina set her lunch tray beside Meredith's as she took a seat.

"Yeah, I heard. Why's she here?"

Alex scoffed. "Obviously not to steal your McDreamy."

Meredith glared at him. "Derek and I are just friends. He left Seattle to try to patch things up with Addison. They're probably better now so she's back."

"I heard Addison's here as a patient.", George quipped, earning him a look from everyone. He was obliged to spill. "Well… Callie told me something about the Chief clearing the VIP room for her. That's all I know." He raised his hands up in surrender.

"Whatever, George. You know more. Now spill." Cristina stared him down.

He sighed. "That's really all I know, or at least all I can say."

Meredith looked at him. "It's okay. I really don't have to know anymore. But I'm happy for Derek, you know." She said it in an unconvincing manner, but she really was trying to move forward with her life.

"Still doesn't explain why she's here though, as a patient nonetheless" Izzie took a bite of her sandwich, eyeing George. She had grown fond of Addison, and she looked up to her in more ways than one. Addison took her under her wings, and in all fairness, she had grown and learned a lot under her tutelage.

Moving her salad aimlessly, Meredith sat up straight. "Remember that rumor about Addison getting fertility treatment at New York?" She paused. "I think it has something to do with that."

"You think she's pregnant?"

"I don't know. It's a possibility. Or maybe something went wrong with it. I have no idea." Meredith shrugged.

"Well. Whatever. I want in on surgery if she ever needs one." Leave it to Cristina Yang to detach any sort of emotion from her career.

-

"The labs show nothing, Richard." Derek sighed, frustrated. He had been working on Addison's tests since he got back so he could create a plan of action. But so far, nothing was turning up and he was back to square one. "It'll take a miracle to save her."

"Think positive, Shep. What've you got?"

"That's the point. I have _nothing_. Absolutely nothing to tell me what in the world went wrong and how I can fix it. I'm not used to not knowing, Chief. When I'm a doctor, I'm the best. People come from all over the world to get their brains fixed by me. But now I can't even save my wife."

"Maybe it's neurological." He looked at Derek meaningfully.

"Even if it weren't, it would've showed up on her blood results. But nothing could link me to a diagnosis."

Richard sat silently, thinking. "Tell me what usually happens to comatose patients?"

"Most of them… recover. Well, a lot of them do. A lot of them regain full mobility and recover well. But some of them…" He looked at Richard. "I don't even want to go there, chief. Some of them stay in a vegetative state the rest of their lives, or for a couple of years. Some of them die. But I can't allow myself to think that way for Addison. I can't."

Of course he couldn't allow himself to think that way. No one would concede to that notion. Adele, Burke, Sloan and everyone else who knew Addie on a personal level would never allow that to happen. Richard swallowed. "Then we keep trying, Shep. We can't give up."

Derek walked over to Addison's body, so far being supported by the IV and the breathing tube to prevent asphyxia. He felt helpless, desperate to find a solution. He didn't know if her time was running out, or if this was the life that lay ahead of him and Addie.

"Have you figured out what to do with her chemotherapy?" The question was quiet. They had to think of _something_, anything to keep her going. "She'll need eight sets, I believe."

"I haven't thought about it actually. I was too wrapped up in the coma to even think about the other dangers."

"Do you want my two cents?"

Derek looked up. "Sure."

"I think.. we can't find anything wrong with her because basically, there's _nothing_ wrong with her, so to speak. She's in a coma, a deep sleep. One she'll hopefully wake up from eventually. I believe she's stable, as long as we keep track of the side effects and keep a close eye on her, she'll be fine."

"You think we should go ahead with chemo?" It was hard for him to grasp what Addison was going to go through soon.

Richard nodded. "I think we should go ahead with chemo. We administer it intravenously over a span of 6-8 months. If she wakes up anytime between then, then that's great. If not, then we keep hoping and keep administering." Derek didn't answer, simple gazed intently at Addison's sleeping figure. She was still beautiful. "But we'll have to be ready for the side effects."

"What should we expect?", he said finally.

"Hair loss is the most common and noticeable. Others are diarrhea, vomiting, weight loss, memory loss, anemia, among others. But like I said, if we keep a close eye on her and administer the drugs with the right doses, we can fight off those side effects."

"Do you believe it's for the best?" He didn't know what he wanted to do anymore. Richard was right. He couldn't think like a doctor now. He was a patient's family and his emotions would always get the better of him.

Richard sighed heavily. It was hard making decisions like these. There are uncalculated risks that they can only hope to reduce. "I believe it's best. We'll have other experts consult and help us, okay?" He put his hand on Derek's shoulder as Derek nodded mutely. "Alright. I'll call my old friends about it and see what they have to say." He patted his shoulder before moving out the door.

Derek sat on the comfortable chair beside Addie's. The room looked much like a hotel, something he hoped would help Addison's disposition. Holding her hand in his, he suddenly realized how much thinner she was since the surgery. Sure the nurse had undone some of Addison's clothes to clean the wound, but he had failed to notice how her health was surely on a downhill.

"Hey, babe. I don't know if you can hear me but… Richard and I are planning to get you chemotherapy. So that's one evil down. But it's going to take a lot of your strength, I know. It'll take a lot of courage from everyone because it's not something easy. It'll challenge all of us. But I'm here and I'm going to be strong for you. So you have to be strong, too. You have to fight. Be the Addie fighter we all know, okay?"

He fell asleep that way, his head resting on Addison's side, his hand clutching hers for dear life.

* * *

Thanks for reading! :D


	17. Chapter 16

* * *

AN: I was too busy studying chemistry today, so I wrote this because I needed a break. It's doesn't contribute much, plot-wise. I mean, it does, but you're just going to have to wait. Thanks for the reviews, guys! They're lovely.

I don't own GA.

* * *

It's been 3 months, 24 days, 16 hours and 43 minutes since Addison got out of surgery, not that Derek was counting. To him, it felt like forever. They had administered four doses of chemotherapy, her surgical wounds had now completely healed, and the side effects of her treatment were put to a minimum. But still, Addison was giving no sign of waking up, and it left Derek and everyone else as somber as ever.

Her situation was, however, thankfully not getting worse. If any, it was so painfully stable that people were sure she was dead. Naomi & Sam, Savvy & Weiss, Derek's mother, his sisters and their families, all of them had been over to visit her, doing all they could to help her. But really, it was to no avail. Addison was simply too out in a coma that it left all of them almost hopeless. She wasn't breathing well on her own, and the only comfort they had was that her heart was beating without help.

"Still not waking up?"

Derek was startled out of his thoughts by the voice behind him. He hadn't been working in the past 3 months as well, his sole focus being Addison. He hadn't stepped foot in an OR, and done any consults. He looked behind him, seeing Nancy and Savvy by the doorway. They'd been visiting every other weekend. "Ladies," he smiled in a strained manner, offering his seat to either one of them.

Savvy took the seat and Nancy proceeded to tidy the room up a bit. "How's she been?"

Derek shrugged, the dark circles under his eyes proof that he hadn't had a decent sleep in a while. "She's still not getting better. Thankfully not getting worse, though."

Savvy looked up, sighing. "Derek… we have to try something differently. I mean, she's not even responding to anything. You said her scans show minimal brain activity. How can we expect things to change if we're doing things the same way?"

"We've been trying everything, Savvy. You know that. The chemo seems to be working, and her surgery has gone well. It's really only a matter of time before she wakes up."

Everyone in the room knew his words were empty and yet hopeful at the same time. There was so much hope that Addison would wake up that it didn't matter how or when she did. Derek was determined to wait, and they weren't completely willing to let her go. Not yet anyway.

Nancy paused from her tidying and walked over to hug Derek. "Don't lose hope, okay? We're still here, she hasn't died. She's… she'll be okay."

Derek nodded absentmindedly, trying to push back the unwanted thoughts. He'd spent so much time trying to avoid thinking of Addison's fate, and now that Savvy and Nancy had so freely brought it up, he just wanted to forget. Thinking about the hopelessness of the situation would make him vulnerable, and he was afraid he would succumb to it and make the biggest mistake of his life.

-

"You're taking her up for another EEG?" Richard's voice was questioning. But no one could mistake the slight disapproval in his voice. He loved Addison very much, but seeing Derek laying vigil by her side night and day made him see how entirely wrong the situation was.

Derek nodded, running his fingers through his hair. He continued to walk, following the nurses as they pushed Addison's bed to the elevator. "We should do this periodically. It might change." His voice was flat, but with hope.

"Shep… I hate to say this to you, but Addison… she doesn't seem to be getting better."

He was adamant. "Maybe now she isn't. But she'll get better, I can feel it. Remember that patient we had before? He was a vegetable for 15 years, but he woke up and he remembered much of his life before his accident. Addison is going to be that way."

Richard sighed. "Derek… I love Addison. We all do. But it just gets to a point when we have to consider… other options."

Derek narrowed his gaze. "What are you trying to say?"

"What I'm trying to say is that… we should consider alternatives for her."

"What kind of alternatives? You said we should keep on doing the chemo, then once the cancer's gone and she's in remission, we deal with getting her to wake up."

"I know what I said, Derek. But things were different then. Back then, she wasn't in a coma for almost 4 months. But now, can you honestly say that her test results indicate her waking up anytime soon?"

Derek stopped in his tracks, unwilling to consent to what Richard was implying. "Are you saying that I should… I should consider letting her go?" The words were hard. They formed a lump in his throat.

"It's an alternative. I mean, it could put you back on track and—"

"No, I refuse to listen to this. I refuse to let her go and give her up. I don't want to! She's not a burden, god damn it. So what if my life is on hold for her? I don't care! She put her life on hold for me, too. Damn it, I thought you loved her! I thought you thought of her as your daughter! And yet you want me to let her go? No. She's not going to die, she's going to live. She's going to wake up and you're going to regret ever thinking of letting her go." He stalked off, completely enraged by what Richard was implying. He couldn't, for the life of him, even think of unplugging any wires or administering any sort of euthanasia drug to his _wife_. He knew Addison wasn't getting any better, but he was taking comfort in the fact that she was getting no worse. She could be one of those miracle receivers who slipped the surly bonds of death. Whatever happens, he would never, ever consider letting her go to die.

-

The results of her EEG weren't looking too good. There was almost no brain activity. The part of her brain that was telling her to breathe was almost idle, and the only thing that was unstalled was her heart pumping. Hope was wearing thin for everybody, even for Derek, who refused to admit defeat.

Archer Montgomery walked the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital, being back for the first time since his surgery. He had been meaning to come since he'd heard of the news from Naomi, but he refused to believe that his sister had succumbed to something this terrible. It would place Addison terribly out of perspective if he allowed himself to believe that she was indeed in a coma, and had been so for the past 4 months. But the time came when he could no longer put off not believing and had to accept the reality of the situation.

He walked towards Addison's room, peering in to see Derek clutching her hand in his, kissing it gently as he tried to wipe away the tears in his eyes. Archer never actually liked Derek, but upon seeing Derek's devotion and constant vigil at Addison's side, he started to think that maybe, Derek really did love Addison. After all, no man in his right mind would sit for months and hold on to hope at the side of someone practically dying, unless he was irreversibly in love.

Archer cleared his throat, meeting Derek's blood shot eyes. "I came to see her," he said simply, inviting himself into the room. "How is she?"

Derek stood up, offering the seat to Archer. "Still not breathing well on her own. The chemo's working though."

He nodded, kissing Addison on the forehead. Although on the outside, he seemed to appear like an ass, he had genuine emotions as well, especially for his sister. Addison was his refuge and confidant while he was growing up, and they had leaned on each other for support whenever their parents became insufferable. "That's a good thing, right?"

It was Derek's turn to nod, folding his arms on his chest. "She'll be having her 5th dose tomorrow. We're hoping by the time chemo ends, she'll be strong enough to do things on her own."

Archer sighed. "Is it really just hoping, Derek? I mean, after all, nothing's looking too good."

Derek's jaw clenched, the firmness in his eyes suddenly present. "Why is everyone suddenly so pessimistic about this?"

He shook his head. "We're not being pessimistic, Derek. We're being practical. What if she end up like this for the rest of her life? God forbid it, but it's a possibility. You can't keep doing this. You have to start entertaining other options."

"Like what?" he countered, his eyes ablaze with controlled anger. "Like put her in a home and then pick up my life and move on? I can't do that. If she stays like this for the rest of her life, so be it. But I'm not leaving her. I'm not letting the love of my life die, or leave her to the care of other people."

Archer sighed, his gaze resting on Addison once again. "She wouldn't want you to put your life on hold for her this way. She wouldn't want you to live like this. She'd want you to get out there and pick up the pieces, not mope around by her bedside and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. She'd want you to _live_."

"I'll live how I want to live," he snapped, not believing that everyone around him was suddenly losing faith in Addison. "Addison wouldn't want to die, either."

"She wouldn't," he agreed. "But she'd want _you_ to live," he repeated, emphasizing that Derek wasn't living his life the way he was supposed to.

"This is me living, Archer. As long as Addison's heart beats, I'm alive. Because if I lose her…. If I lose her, I'd die along with her."

"Then you better start thinking of other ways to live your life, because as I see it, Addison isn't going to get better. I'm not saying this to hurt you, or me. God knows how much I love my sister. I mean, she's Addison for heaven's sake. You can't not love her. She was the only person I could ever trust for a while. And though it would hurt like hell to lose her, this is not the kind of life she'd like to be living. You have start thinking about her too, Derek. Stop thinking about just you. She wanted to _die_ before you came into the picture again. She didn't want the cancer treated whatsoever because she was ready to let go. It's about time you were ready to let go."

Derek looked at Archer pained, and then shifted his gaze on Addison's face. She was pale, but she was beautiful as ever. Her red hair had fallen off little by little, and the red mane he used to love was nothing but thin wisps on her scalp. Her slender fingers had grown bony, and her jaw and cheek bones became more pronounced. She looked almost nothing like the Addison he married, the Addison he knew. He sighed, taking a seat as his knees buckled. "I don't want to let go," he whispered, tears once again forming in his eyes. He wanted her to get better so badly that he had built his world around the fact that she was going to live.

Archer frowned, noting the longing in Derek's eyes. "It's what she would want. I'm not saying you have to let her go now. Maybe finish chemo, and then consider it. But you have to start getting ready for the worst. Because right now, you're not, and you're clinging on to the hope of her getting better. I would hate for you to have your hopes crushed."

-

Derek Shepherd found himself standing atop Seattle Grace, overlooking the skyline. He and Addison had gone up there once or twice while she was part of the staff, and the cute little view finders reminded him of happier times. Archer, Richard, even Savvy and Nancy had been hinting for him to consider pulling the plug. But he knew in his heart he couldn't. And yet, his voice of reason told him it would be the best option considering her situation. Addison wouldn't have wanted Derek to spend his life by her bedside, hoping she'd wake up. No. She'd want him to live, to find someone who'll take care of him and love him the way she did.

It would be a hard decision to make, one that would break his heart and eat him alive if he ever decided to push through with it. Was he strong enough to let her go? Was he man enough to differentiate love and selfishness? Was he willing to live with the guilt everyday of his life if he let her go? He decided he didn't know, not now at least. He would wait; wait for a sign, a miracle, something that could help him decide. Because he knew Addison was suffering, what he didn't know was if she was willing to. He'd wait for a sign, then he'd decide.

* * *

Thank you for reading. It's not exactly angsty or whatever. I'm thinking of redoing it once I don't have rate laws and nuclear reactions swirling in my head. Let me know what you think. :)


	18. Chapter 17

AN: I know. The last chapter was pretty whatever. But this one contributes a lot, plot-wise. Don't kill me though. I haven't decided if I want her to live or die, but I'm getting there. :) Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter. Hope this one's up to your standards. :)

-I own nothing.

* * *

_THIS IS SET 6 MONTHS AFTER THE LAST CHAPTER._

Derek was known to be an indecisive man. First it was joining the football team in high school. He had spent two weeks thinking about trying out for it before Mark finally convinced him to give it a try. Then it was which college he was going to attend and what pre-med he wanted to take up. He took 3 months weighing all the pros and cons of each school he got accepted to before he decided on NYU. New York was always home, and since his father died, he had wanted to be close to his family for if ever they needed anything. After that, it was the choice between Johns Hopkins and Columbia Med School. The most obvious choice was supposed to be Johns Hopkins, considering the prestige of the school, but once again, he longed to be closer to home and chose Columbia. That took him another four months, considering the weight of turning down such a good school. Those were only the major decisions he's made so far. Everyday, there was this constant dilemma of having to decide between things, that when Addison made an appearance in his life, he suddenly didn't feel the need to think things through, because Addison made things clear for him and put all the confusion in a tiny box in his head. That tiny box was what made both of them survive. For Derek, it was the confusion in the box. For Addison, it was Derek.

To Derek, the indecision helped a lot because it assured him that he was making the right choice and not rushing into anything. He always thought it was good that he weighed things, that he thought about things long and hard so he would never have to regret anything.

After Addison's affair, the tiny box once again found its way to his consciousness, hence his indecision between Addison and Meredith. Now, he could truly say that the weighing, the months he spent jumping between two women was the worst mistake he ever committed in his life. He realized now that there was nothing to weigh, nothing to consider, because what he really wanted was right under his noise, only hidden by his God-complex and blimp-sized ego. He shouldn't have allowed that tiny box to make its way out of the dusty closet of old Derek. He should have let it stay there; let it accumulate dust and spider webs. Maybe then, he wouldn't be in the situation he was in at the moment.

They had administered the last of the chemotherapy via IV one month ago. The tests showed that Addison was now fully recovered from the cancer, but she still wasn't waking up. Derek was now faced with a tough decision, something that he couldn't fight off any longer. The tiny box that held the indecision was not so tiny any more. In fact, it occupied every part of his brain and heart that he couldn't think straight at all. He had to seriously consider terminating Addison's lifeline, because if he didn't, the hopelessness of the situation would evolve into something bigger, and it could have serious consequences for everybody involved.

Every fiber of Derek's being was praying hard for Addison to wake up. Soon. He didn't want to go through decision making. He hated how Addison's fate was left to his power, and how he was even considering letting her go. He knew he didn't want to let her die, but everyone, including the chief, Bizzy, Naomi and Archer and Savvy and Nancy were telling him it would be for the best. True, he had put everything on hold for her, waiting for her to wake up. It's been almost a year. Eight months exactly. And he was nowhere near ready to let her go.

Derek was sitting in the empty stairwell, his head buried in his hands. He couldn't fathom the situation he was in. Addison was the love of his life, and they were asking him to basically kill his wife just to ease the burden. What they didn't know was that killing her, or pulling the plug, would contribute to the heartache and load on his shoulders.

The door to the stairwell opened, followed by a set of heavy footsteps. It was Mark's, undoubtedly. Years of being friends with someone would do that to you.

"Hey, buddy," he said, his husky voice unsure.

Derek looked up, his eyes red and numb. "Hey," he whispered, his gaze following Mark as he took a seat next to him.

"How're you doing?"

He shrugged, his gaze falling to the ground. "Still holding it together, I guess."

Mark reached his hand out to pat Derek on the back. "You're being really strong and brave, Derek. Don't let yourself give up."

"I'm trying not to. But it's so hard," he admitted, suddenly feeling weak. "I mean, I know, I can feel it. She's not going through an easy time. She's in a difficult situation. But I'm lost. I don't know if I'm keeping her alive out of selfishness or out of love."

"You're being selfish because you love her."

"But isn't love supposed to be selfless?"

Mark nodded, thoughtful. "Maybe it is. But you're holding on to her because you know you can't live without her. You're selfish, yes. But you're only protecting yourself."

Derek snorted despite the moment. "Is that supposed to make me feel better? That I'm keeping my suffering wife alive because _I_ couldn't bear to part with her?"

Mark shrugged. "It should make you feel better. Because at least you know you're not giving up without a fight. When Addison wakes up, when and not if, everyone will regret ever thinking about letting her go. Because when she wakes up, she'll be just as before and you'll both get the life you've always wanted."

Derek shook his head. "But what if they're right? What if there _is_ no hope?"

"Don't let them get to you. I love Addison, Derek, almost as much as you love her. And if I, for one minute, ever thought it would be best for her that you let her go, I would've pushed for it. But I know it won't be best, because you're depriving the both of you the chance to make amends. She loves you, and she's fighting, Derek. Before she collapsed in Central Park that day, she was fighting for her life, for you. And look at the things she's been through since she got here. The surgery, the chemo… it's a miracle she's still alive. Which means someone up there and something inside her is willing her to fight. Don't let her go, man."

Derek was quiet, a thoughtful look on his features. Sometimes, Mark made so much sense that it was impossible to think of him as the manwhore-ass he was most of the time. Addison did say she was fighting, for them at least. She said she wanted another chance for them, which was the reason she agreed to treatment in the first place. But then again, she also mentioned something about destiny, something about things that were meant to be falling into place. "Mark?"

"Yes?"

"Do you believe in… God?"

"I suppose I do. In this sort of job, I have to. I have to believe that innocent people who die are taken to a better place."

"Do you believe in things falling into place if they're meant to be?"

Mark furrowed his brow in confusion. "Derek? What's gotten into—"

"Just answer the question."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I know what you're getting at Derek. You're thinking of pulling the plug and leaving it up to fate."

"Maybe I am."

"Don't," he said disapprovingly. "Don't take that risk."

"I've taken a lot of risks, Mark. I took a risk when I asked her to get treated. She said yes. I took a risk when I flew her from New York to Seattle. She made it without any complications. I took a risk when we decided to go for chemo. She pulled through and now she's cancer free. Don't you see Mark? Someone up there is taking care of her. And maybe, if I take a risk by pulling the plug, she'll wake up and she'll be Addison again." His voice was bordering on desperate, almost trying to convince himself it were possible that Addison would wake up after all of it.

"I don't know, man. I mean, I know someone up there's taking care of her. But what if we lose her?"

"Then it's meant to be." His voice was hard, a lump in his throat forming. He couldn't allow himself to think that way.

Mark sighed, staring straight ahead. "At the end of the day, it's your call, Derek. Do it when you're ready to be disappointed, to hurt for the rest of your life. I can see that you believe in this so much. I just don't want you to get caught off guard."

Derek knew Mark right, but he'd always held out hope that Addison would wake up. "I love her, Mark," he whispered, every ounce of his being wanting nothing more than to be able to communicate with Addison at this very moment, to know what was going on in her head and what she thought of the situation.

"I know you do. Just… hold out for as long as you can, okay? _Hold on_."

-

"_I think… you should try letting me go," she smirked, eyeing him playfully._

"_Maybe. I'm not ready to," he said, reaching his hand out to take hers._

_She sighed, taking a seat next to him. "You won't know what'll happen until you try, Derek."_

_Derek looked away, pained. His lip quivered slightly at the overwhelming emotions. "What if I lose you?" he whispered, unable to meet her gaze. _

"_You're going to have to take that chance. You asked for a sign, this is the sign. I'm telling you to take a risk. Whatever the outcome is," she said, pressing the palm of her hand on his chest, "I know you're ready. Your heart is ready, your mind is ready. You just have to believe that."_

_He shook his head, taking the hand in his chest and pressing it to his cheek. "I can't. I love you, Addison. And I can't live with myself if I let you go."_

_She smiled softly, cupping his face with both palms. "What if I'm asking you to let me go?"_

_Derek's eyes widened in surprise. "You're letting go?" The shock in his voice was hard to miss. _

"_Like I said, you won't know until you try. Everyone around you is telling you to pull the plug. Go ahead, pull it. You'll know what's meant to be after that."_

"_Why can't you just tell me what'll happen next?"_

"_Because, Derek, it's for you to decide. I can't tell you. You have to find out for yourself."_

_He pulled her closer, laying his arm on her shoulder and letting her head rest on his chest. "I'm scared," he admitted._

"_You've come a long way. And I'm proud of you. I'm proud of how you stood by my side amid all of this. But you have to stop beating yourself up, honey. You have to start living. Don't be afraid to live a life apart from me. Don't be afraid to let me go."_

"_I _am_ living, Addie. As long as you're alive, I'm alive."_

_She looked up at him solemnly. "Then take that step and find out if you'll be alive forever. Take that step. That's all I'm asking."_

"_I love you, Addison." The intensity of the moment was unbroken, the loving tension building up. _

"_I know. I love you too. For always." She smiled at him sadly._

"_I can't live without you."_

"_Then take that step, Derek. Take it."_

-

Derek awoke instantly, his head shaking, disoriented. He was still in Addison's room. He was still laying by her bedside, the countless tubes and wires still running through Addie. He had a dream, about Addison nonetheless. For the first time, it wasn't a dream about something that happened in the past, or a dream about something he wanted to happen in the future. For the first time, it was a dream of Addison trying to communicate with him. It made him believe, he supposed, that some things were simply meant to be. He had to take the step if he wanted to find out what it was that was meant.

He stood up and leaned over, kissing Addison affectionately on the forehead before walking out the door to find the chief. He found him hunched over some case files by the nurse's station, his brow wrinkled in concentration.

"Chief!"

Richard looked up, seeing a very disheveled Derek walking towards him. "Derek," he acknowledged. "What can I do for you?"

Derek stuffed his hands in his pockets, stepping from side to side. "I decided…. I decided to try pulling...it. Before you say anything, I want to make it clear that I don't believe Addie will die. I believe Addison's going to survive, even if we pull the plug. So yes, I'm taking a chance, but she isn't going to die. She's going to make it."

Richard nodded, noting the determined and yet slightly confused look in the younger man's eyes. "Okay, then. Whenever you're ready."

"I'm ready now. If I wait too long, I might change my mind. Just let me get Nancy on the phone and Mark in the room. Then we can do it." He failed to mention his dream. He feared that if he told anybody, they'd think he was crazy to be basing a life and death situation on something that could be a mere creation of his desperate imagination.

"Okay. Let me get Sloan, you can go ahead and call Nancy." He shut the chart and proceeded to walk away, but stopped in his tracks and looked at Derek sympathetically. "I'm proud of what you're doing, son. I believe Addie's going to make it too." And he meant it, of course. Addison the fighter was back, and he'd be damned if Addison decided to quit now, after everything they had done to keep her alive.

Derek merely nodded before fishing out his phone from his pocket. He quickly dialed Nancy. He tapped his foot impatiently, his mind flickering to the image of the beautiful, strong Addison in his dream. She was as he always remembered her, her red hair shoulder length, her green eyes sparkling with emotion.

"Derek?"

"I'm doing it," he announced, not bothering to explain what the _it_ was.

"It? You gotta be a bit more specific, Derek. It, like, sex? With Addison?" The mental image Nancy came up with gave both of them the shivers.

"No! Nancy! No! God! You have a dirty mind!" He paused. "I'm doing it… I'm…. pulling the plug." He had to pull the phone away from his ear slightly.

"What?! I thought you said you didn't want to!" The panic in her voice was unmistakable. Sure she was one of those who hinted at it with Derek, but she didn't actually think he'd do it. She cared for Addison the whole time she was in New York. She would never want her to die.

"I… still don't want to. But Nancy, I'm not going to lose her. I believe I won't. She won't die. This… whatever this is… this is going to be a breakthrough."

Nancy sighed. "When are you doing it?"

"Now."

Nancy sat up straighter. "Are you sure, Derek? Don't you want to… Can't you wait for me and Sav and Mom and Archer and Bizzy and everyone else to fly out before you do it? We'd all want to be there when she… if she…"

"She's not," he said firmly. "I want to do it now or else I'll lose the courage to if I wait any longer. I promise you, Nance. She's not going to die."

She sighed, nodding despite the fact that Derek wouldn't see the action. She pinched the bridge of her nose as reality started to settle in. "I hope… I hope you're doing the right thing."

The dream flashed quickly before Derek's eyes, reassuring him. "I'm doing the right thing, Nancy. I'll let you know how it turns out."

Nancy didn't respond. She was trying to hold in the tears and emotions. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. Her best friend could possibly die tonight, and she was powerless to save her. "Okay," she whispered finally, the word coming out as a squeak. "I'll call Savvy."

"Thank you, Nancy. Tomorrow, when Addison wakes up, you'll be the first I'll call, I promise."

There was so much hope in Derek's voice that it almost suffocated Nancy. Her brother was hoping blindly, something she wished was for the best. "Yea. Okay. I gotta go," she said hurriedly, hanging up before Derek could say any more.

-

"You're doing it," Mark's voice wasn't accusing. It was curious.

Derek nodded. "I am. It'll wake her up, I can feel it."

"How do we do this?"

Richard stepped in, allowing Bailey, Callie, and nurses Addison trusted into the room. "We pull out the breathing tube but keep the life machine in place. The machine will tell us the progress of her heart, and her respiration. The breathing tube's what's keeping her alive." The explanation was devoid of any emotion. He didn't want to break down in front of everybody who respected him.

Derek nodded again, his heart pounding against his chest. He questioned himself once or twice, but he had to convince himself he was doing this for the best. "And then what?"

"That's the most crucial part. We wait."

"How long does it usually…?"

Richard sighed, shaking his head. "For cases like Addie's, it usually takes 5 hours, 8 at the most, before her lungs wear off."

"But there's a chance her lungs are going to sustain her breathing, right?"

He nodded. "Yes, there is."

"And if she gets past the 8-hour mark?"

"It means she's slightly out of the woods. After 8 hours, we do an EEG again, and we take action from there." Richard moved to position himself beside Addison. "Are you sure about this, Derek? We could always stop now."

Derek nodded quickly, ignoring the nervousness in his gut. "I'm sure."

"Would you like to…?" Richard gestured toward the breathing tube.

"No," he said, his voice firm. "No. I don't… want to. You should do it. I can't. I can't pull the tube out myself."

Mark stepped up. "I want to do it," he announced, his voice grave. "I want… to have at least this. So that I'm not just the man she screwed to get her husband's attention. I want to be the man who loves her still. I'll do it so that at the very least, I was the one who eased her pain."

Richard looked from Mark to Derek, silently asking for his approval. Derek nodded, too lost to formulate words. Mark still loved Derek, but he understood things differently. Mark was just trying to be someone Addie could count on in a good way. He wanted to make a memory with her.

Mark took a step forward, smiling at Derek tightly in silent thanks while breathing in and out. He loved Addison, but he knew Derek was made for her. He wanted this, so that he could prove to everyone he wasn't just the man who ruined his best friends' marriage. He was the man who cared for Addison deeply and just wanted her to be happy. Shakily, he laid his hand on the tube, whispering something incoherent into Addison's ear before ever so gently pulling the tube out of her chest.

Once the tube was out, everyone's breaths were held. Derek walked over to the bed, sliding his hands on her back and lifting her, settling her on his lap. He was holding her close, carrying her like a baby, kissing her forehead, anything his lips could touch, trying to calm himself down. "I love you, Addie," he whispered. "It's only a matter of time before you open those eyes again and tell me you love me too."

"What now?" someone whispered, aware of the tension in the room.

There was silence before someone else answered. "We wait."

* * *

Are you going to kill me now? Let me know what you think! :))

Thank you for reading. I promise I'm thinking about the next chapter hard. Do you think she should die, add drama to the story or something? IDK. I'd love to hear from you. :)


	19. Chapter 18

AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I've decided about what I wanted, and this chapter's going to be the start of uphill. :) Hope you guys like it. It doesn't contribute much plot-wise, again. Only that it recounts the 8 hours they waited. :)

-I own nothing.

* * *

_One hour_

"How are her stats?"

Miranda stood up, taking a quick look at the machine's screen. "They're still normal. Her breathing's good."

Mark sat on the bed, his hand enclosing Addison's. "That's a good sign, right?"

"It's too early to tell. We'll have to wait a couple more hours."

-

_Two hours_

After Derek lay Addison back down on the bed, he stationed himself on the seat next to her, his eyes not once losing its worry, its concern, its anticipation. He was doing his best to stay calm, to give off good energy so Addison could pull through.

"Juju," the voice behind him stated, unsurely.

Derek looked up, meeting Meredith's gaze. His brow furrowed. "Juju?" he questioned, all together aware of the irony of the situation. He was beside his wife, waiting for her to die or to live, and Meredith was there to support him.

Meredith nodded, shoving the steaming cup gently into his hand. "Juju," she said again, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

He smiled at her tightly, grateful for the steaming hot cocoa. "You know about juju?"

"Addison," she explained. "She told me its significance. She said it was… a good luck thing or—"

"It was our comfort," he said, turning his attention back to Addison's face. "Juju was our thing. Well, me, her and Mark. Before complicated surgeries and after crappy days."

"I see." Meredith allowed her gaze to rest on the hand Derek was cupping with both of his. Addison's hand was frail and bony in contrast with Derek's bear ones. "I'm glad Addison shared it with me." The memory of Addison trying to be friends with her made its way to her consciousness. She tried to shake off the dread, considering how she refused that friendship.

"She does that. She… When she tries to get to know someone, she shares a significant piece of herself so they'd be compelled to do the same. She always shared the most meaningful parts of herself, and juju… it was a comfort she'd had since she was five. She shared that with me and Mark when we turned into the three musketeers."

She nodded mutely, sighing. "I'm sorry I didn't… give her the chance to be a friend."

Derek said nothing, merely lifted his hand to stroke Addison's hair, which by now was beginning to grow to its normal length. Although it wasn't as thick as before, he had no doubt that it was only a matter of time before she was the old Addison again, fabulous hair included.

-

_Three hours_

"Her respiration's normal."

"Heart beat's steady."

"Things are looking up, Shep."

Derek nodded, continuing the task of wiping Addison's brow. She wasn't sweating or anything. In fact, she looked calmer than she ever did the whole time she was cooped up in the damn hospital. He was so hopeful at that moment that he felt numb to it all. He knew Addison would make it. He just did.

-

_Four hours_

Derek had fallen asleep, which was a miracle considering his nerves. His head lay on the bed, and his arm was leaning protectively on Addison's stomach. Everyone who saw him knew the hard time he was going through, and they pitied him. He never left her side for more than a few minutes. He practically moved in to the hospital, doing everything he could to keep Addison's heart beating. On the first month of Addison's chemotherapy, he installed a sound system in the hospital room so he could play Addison's iPod music over and over again. Someone once told him it helped the brain to stay active, if she listened to things she was familiar with. Whenever he could, he put on their wedding song, so that for at least three minutes, he could find himself drifting to a time and place when everything was so easy and happy. On the third month of Addison's chemotherapy, Derek bought all of Addison's favorite movies on DVD, playing it incessantly on the wide screen TV he had pushed Richard to buy for the hospital room. And all throughout the rest of her stay, he lighted Zen candles and made sure there were fresh gerbera daisies on the bedside table. He wanted to make Addison feel right at home, hoping it would help her remember things.

Mark sat on the couch, keeping an eye on Addison's stats and relieving Derek of the load. He wanted to help as much as possible.

"What are you thinking?"

He turned his head to see Izzie by the doorway, carrying a bunch of daisies. He motioned for her to come in and set the flowers on the table.

She obliged, then sat down next to Mark. "What are you thinking? I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry. I just.. I know it's none of my business. But I want to know... what you're thinking." she said again, eyeing Mark curiously, blushing slightly at her short babble.

"What do you mean?"

"You think she'll make it? In your professional opinion, Dr. Sloan. I think I already know your personal one."

Mark nodded, folding his hands on his chest. "I think… as a doctor… that she'll live. She'll wake up. But she won't be the same Addison."

Izzie furrowed her brow, somehow not believing that her mentor would be any different. "Care to elaborate, Dr. Sloan? You don't have to. I just… God knows that everyone's hoping she'd get better."

He sighed. "After people get into a coma this long… they change. I don't know. Brain cells die, and maybe a part of them dies along with those brain cells. She probably won't be the same doctor, too."

She nodded, her heart heavy with the thought of Addison not being the same doctor she was. After all, she was Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery. She was a double board certified neo-natal surgeon, and people from all over the country came to see her. "For what it's worth, Dr. Sloan, considering the fighter in Dr. Montgomery, I don't think she'd allow herself to be anything less than she really is."

-

_Five hours_

"_Are you going to tell me what's meant to be now?"_

_Addison shook her head, her eyes twinkling in excitement. "It'll ruin all the fun, Derek! And god knows you need fun."_

_Derek sighed, clearly not amused. "Well I'm sorry if looking out for you and waiting for you to live or die isn't fun for me," he snapped, his patience wearing thin. _

"_If you think this is a chore, then why are you still here at all? Why didn't you just pull the plug or let the cancer eat me alive?" She huffed angrily, glaring at Derek. _

"_It's not a chore, Addison! Damn it. I love you. And it's not easy seeing the love of my life dying! It wasn't fun. It'll never be fun!"_

_She closed her eyes, allowing the anger to melt away for a moment longer before she reopened them. She met Derek's gaze. "I'm sorry. I know this is all taking its toll on you but… I can't tell you. You have to wait."_

"_I've been waiting 8 months, now Addie. Plus the 4 months before that. It's been a year. Don't you think I've waited enough?"_

_She shook her head. "What's a couple more hours, babe? You're doing great. You're holding it together. Just… in a few more hours, you'll know." _

_Derek sighed, scooting closer to Addison and pulling her firmly to his body. He breathed in her scent, and relished in the warmth of her body so close to his. "I've missed this," he admitted, lacing his fingers through her hair. "I miss you. I miss… everything, Adds."_

_Addison smiled at him sympathetically. "I know you do. I miss it too. But I suppose… I needed rest. Rest from everything so I could give you a fair chance, a piece of myself that isn't hung up on yesterday."_

"_Clean slate?"_

_She nodded. "Clean slate."_

_He looked away, trying to fathom the reality of everything. "And you know what scares the hell out of me?" he whispered._

_Addison shook her head, meeting his gaze sympathetically. _

"_I'm scared of the unknown future. I mean… if you don't wake up… I don't know how I'll ever go on with my life. And if you do… I have no idea how you're going to be. I don't know how much you'll remember, or if you'll still be the Addison I fell in love with. I don't know if you'll still remember you're an excellent doctor. I don't know if you'll remember that you love me."_

"_You're hard to forget, Derek. That would be the least of my worries, if I were you. It would be hard not to love you." She sat up straighter, hoping Derek would note the sincerity in her own voice. "But… if it makes you feel better… I think I'll still be me. I'll still be the Addison you know."_

"_As a doctor and as a wife?"_

_She nodded. "I think… if any, I'll change for the better. This whole ordeal has certainly put a lot of things into perspective for me. As a doctor, I suppose it would help me be more sympathetic of my patients. And as a wife… I believe it'll help me value you and our marriage more."_

_Derek grinned. "Are you saying you'll agree to marry me?"_

_She shrugged. "Maybe. We'll see."_

"_I love you."_

"_I love you more."_

_-_

_Six hours_

"Two more hours, and she'll be… she'll be past the 8-hour mark."

Richard nodded, feeling a bucket of hope in his gut. He had spent the night pondering on the what ifs in Addison's current situation. And now, they were two hours away to safely say that she was out of harm. "Two more hours. Keep those prayers coming. She's going to be okay."

-

_Seven hours_

"Do you need more juju?"

Derek shook his head, pacing the room. "No, no. I don't. Just… one more hour, Mark. One more hour."

Mark nodded, feeling excited and anxious at the same time. "It's surreal, don't you think? It was such a tough decision to pull that plug, and then now she's… she's doing better."

Derek stopped, facing Mark. "I have a theory."

He knitted his brow before shrugging. "Okay? About what?" If it weren't for the situation they were in, he would've laughed at Derek's randomness.

"About Addie. I think… I think that breathing tube was the one causing her problems."

Mark thought about for a second before bursting out laughing. "Derek… this whole situation's messing your brain up. It's a shame you're the best neurosurgeon in the damn country. No one's gonna be able to fix your head."

"Quit it, Mark. I'm serious. The brain works in mysterious ways. It's such a complicated organ that it's remotely possible for that breathing tube to have been the one causing Addie's problems."

"I don't know about that, man. Right now, I'm just thankful she's getting better. Whatever went on today, Derek… that was nothing short of miracle. Addie's getting a miracle."

Derek shook his head, smiling slightly. "No. Addie _is_ the miracle."

-

_Eight hours_

Derek's feet were moving faster than his brain were. They were all hastily bringing Addison up to get another EEG. They had passed the eight-hour mark, and she was doing remarkably well that Derek's head couldn't begin to comprehend things completely. She was going to be okay, and at the moment, that was all that Derek could think of. He couldn't register that his feet were taking him unconsciously up the elevator, or that Mark was matching his pace, completely ecstatic even though he would never show it to anybody. Things were finally moving forward, and that was all that mattered to him.

"I can't believe this is happening, man," Mark said suddenly, unable to keep the wide grin off his face.

Derek matched his grin, his head spinning with the countless possibilities for Addison's recovery. "Me neither. I mean, one minute we were so hopeless because she wasn't moving forward. And now… now she's off the breathing tube and she's breathing on her own. We were right to take that risk, Mark. She's going to get better."

-

_Nine hours_

"EEG's looking good, Derek. I think your theory's right. See that part of her brain," Richard said, pointing to the screen's lower left. "That part was completely idle the last time we did this test. And now, it's starting to contract, Derek." It was hard to keep the happiness from his voice.

Derek nodded, at a loss for words. He continued to stare at the rhythmic contractions on the screen, reveling in the fact that this was Addison's brain, and it was moving. It only meant she was getting better. "So she's...?"

Richard lay a hand on Derek's shoulder, feeling his tears building up. "We'll monitor the rest of her brain for the remainder of the day."

He smiled, unable to keep the tears from falling gently. His Addison was going to be okay. His Addison was going to wake up and they're were going to live happily ever after, how it was always meant to be.

"She's going to be okay, Derek. She's going to wake up soon."

* * *

Thanks for reading, guys! Hope this chapter makes you feel better after the last one. :) :) I swear it's uphill from here. :D


	20. Chapter 19

AN: Uphill, I promise. :) (I still own nothing.)

* * *

Two days. Two days had passed since they pulled the breathing tube out, and things were looking up. Addison's brain started to function well, and Derek could literally taste Addison's awakening. He could feel it. And in those two days, he had not left her side, hoping to be the first person her green eyes would see. He'd had it all planned out. He finally had the courage to get an agent to scout for a penthouse for he and Addie. Said agent was able to find a penthouse overlooking the Seattle skyline in a day, fully furnished and ready to be lived in. He was ready. He was going to take more time off from work to sort things out with Addison, hoping things would go smoothly.

Derek had left Addison's room half an hour ago. He was talking to his agent, settling last minute details about movers. He had asked Mark to sit beside Addison while he talked on the phone, instructing him to alert him immediately if anything happened.

"Yes. Yes. No, I want the walls to be painted cream. Yes. And then in the trailer you'll find the—yes. Hang that up in the living room. Okay. Please make sure the drapes are red, and the bed covers are blue. No, I want midnight blue. My wife wants midnight blue. Yes. Alright, thank you. Bye." He hung up, a satisfied grin settling itself on his face. He started to walk when he saw Mark rushing towards him.

"Derek! She's moaning, man! I think she might be waking up!"

Derek didn't need anymore coaxing. He bolted straight into Addison's room, earning a curious glance from Bailey and Richard. They had been with Mark when Addison started moaning. He hastily took a seat beside her, clutching her hand in his.

"Mmmmm."

He was floored. Addison was moaning. His eyes started to fill with tears as the sound traveled up his ears. He couldn't believe it. It was the most beautiful, welcoming sound he'd heard in the past year.

"Mmmmmmm." The moan was louder this time, almost as if she was fighting against something. Everyone could only guess what she was fighting against, the top guess being fighting off the last few coma stitches.

Derek brought Addison's hand to his lips, as if his touch could get her to wake up. "That's it Addie," he coaxed gently, feeling his heart pounding against his chest.

"She's been moaning like that for the past 10 minutes. It took Mark 10 minutes to find you," Richard explained, clearly excited.

Derek nodded, focusing his attention back to Addie. "Come on Addie. Follow the sound of my voice. That's it. Open those eyes for me, honey. Please." He stroked her hair frantically, doing everything he thought was logical to get her to wake up. "Wake up, Adds. You can do it. You can do it."

"Mmmmmm," she moaned again, her hand suddenly flicking in Derek's. Her fingers were twitching, her eyelids fluttering.

Everyone's breaths were held, silently coaxing her to wake up.

"Addison, honey? Just a bit more. Come on. You're doing great. You're doing great," he repeated, never once taking his eyes off of Addison.

"Don't keep us waiting any longer Addie," Richard said, his eyes hopeful. "Open those eyes of yours."

"Come on, Montgomery. We waited almost a year. You seriously can't be that lazy," Bailey joked, anticipating.

"Mmmmmmm… I… I…" Her eyelids fluttered once again, and then, as if by magic, those heavenly green orbs made its appearance again, squinting slightly, disoriented. "I…. I…."

"Addison!" Derek cried, throwing himself at Addison. He kissed her forehead, fully aware that that probably wasn't the best thing to do considering her disorientation. But he couldn't help feeling so joyous that he couldn't possibly restrict his emotions. "You're awake Addie. You're awake." His eyes filled with tears, and it took only a moment longer before he started sobbing, Addison still in a daze.

"Wh-what's… What's happened?" she whispered, her eyes meeting Derek's. "Why is… Derek? Why are you crying?" Her voice was croaky, her throat dry. But she had coherent thoughts. She could talk, and she remembered Derek. This caused Derek to burst out crying once more, cupping Addison's face in his hands.

"Addison… Oh dear god, Addison. You're awake. You're awake."

Bailey and Richard took this as a cue to leave, walking out of the room silently. Derek and Addison surely needed some time alone.

"Derek?" she questioned again, her eyes scanning for some sort of clarity. "Why are you crying? What happened?"

He took a deep calming breath before meeting Addison's confused gaze. "Addie. You don't remember?"

She shook her head, still disoriented. "I… I don't. Derek?"

Derek sighed, gathering Addison in his arms and settling them both on the bed so that he was cradling her against his chest. He kissed her forehead lightly, the excitement still gleaming in his eyes. Quite honestly, he didn't know where to start. Should he start with Seattle? Should he start with New York before Seattle or New York after Seattle? Should he start with the cancer? He didn't know. "Addie… I need you to think back to the last thing you remember. I want you to try to think where we are right now…"

Addison closed her eyes thought, relishing in the warmth of Derek's body against hers. "I think… we're in Seattle. Are we in Seattle, Der?" She distinctly remembered seeing Richard and Miranda on the foot of her bed when she woke up.

Derek nodded, breathing a relieved breath. "Yes, we're in Seattle. Do you know why we're in Seattle?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Shouldn't we be in New York?"

He nodded again, grateful that Addison was thinking straight, that she knew the things that were supposed to be and not supposed to be. For someone to go through what Addison did, it was nothing short of a miracle to have her recover fully. "Yes. But do you know why we're in Seattle now?"

Addison sighed. "I don't know, Derek. You have to help me," she commented, narrowing her gaze. She was now fully aware of her surroundings. She'd shaken off majority of the grogginess, and really, she was just glad to be awake.

"Do you remember the… the cancer?"

Addison's eyes widened. "Did I die, Derek? Did I code and you had to..?"

"No! No. You didn't die you… we got you treated."

"Oh," she said after a pause, trying to remember how she got treated. She remembered saying yes to Derek for treatment, remembered flying to New York to get away from him, and then having him follow her there because of some drug overdose. She remembered those things. And then… "Central Park," she whispered. "I remember Central Park. That's the last thing I remember." Her eyes met Derek's.

He was astounded. She remembered every bit of detail that led to her confinement in the hospital. But with the memories came confusion. He nodded, stroking her hair. "Something went wrong with the surgery, so we had to perform the hysterectomy right there and then. You slipped into a coma."

"How long was I out?"

Derek sighed, almost afraid of what Addison's reaction would be if she found out. "10 months," he whispered.

Silence. A shocked silence. She couldn't begin to comprehend how she had been in a coma for ten months. "10 months," she whispered, as if trying to get used to the idea of it. "10 months?" She really, honestly, couldn't believe it. But she knew Derek would never lie to her, and the sooner she accepted the reality of it all, the better.

He nodded. "During which time we administered chemotherapy so you're…"

"Cancer-free?"

"Yes," he replied, trying to evaluate Addison's expression. "Addie? Can you tell me what you're thinking?"

"I don't know," she said honestly. "Tell me…. Tell me everything that happened."

"Are you up for it? Right now?"

She thought about it for a moment before nodding, deciding she needed to know everything so she could adjust faster.

Derek took the liberty of holding Addison closer. He took in the feeling of her moving and breathing beneath him, and it brought him near tears considering what he went through looking out for her. "I love you," he said, feeling Addison's hot breath on his neck.

She smiled softly and then leaned up to kiss him gently on the cheek. "I love you too. Thank you for not giving up on me."

They stayed that way for a moment longer before Derek decided to pull away and meet Addison's gaze. "I thought I'd never be able to see your eyes again."

She reached up and stroked his cheek. "It must have been hard, Derek. But I'm okay now and… we're going to get through this."

He nodded, still holding her close. "That day at Central Park… you collapsed and we had to take you to surgery. But they gave you the wrong amount of sedative, and that led to the… coma." He cleared his throat, trying to rid himself of the huge lump settled on his vocal chords. "We flew you from New York to Seattle and… if you have to know, your brain was almost completely idle that Richard and I decided to treat the cancer first, and then worry about it later on. So we did, and when the cancer was gone we… realized you still weren't getting better." He had to pause as another wave of emotion overtook him. He didn't trust himself to speak for fear of breaking down, and god knows he couldn't break down now.

But Addison understood, and she looked at him with a sympathetic gaze that he couldn't help but let all the emotions go. He had kept everything to himself for the past months; all the pain and the hurt and the confusion. He held on to every hope and every failure that his hot tears were now finally letting go. Addison reached her arms out and pulled him toward her, allowing him to cry on her shoulder. "Shhhhh. It's okay, Derek. We're okay…"

"No… I…. I thought I was going to lose you, Addison. God, I thought I was going to lose you. You just… you weren't responding to anything and everyone wanted me to consider—"

"Pulling the plug?" She knew Derek's thoughts well, which was the reason why she as able to finish his sentences. The same went for Derek and Addison's thoughts. They somehow always knew what the other was thinking that they sometimes had conversations with the mere raise of an eyebrow or a look of displeasure.

He nodded. "And I did… but I hoped so hard that you'd pull through, and now you did. Addison. Don't ever leave me, please." He sobbed into her shoulder, painfully obvious that he was getting rid of the broken man and putting his act back together.

"I won't, I promise. I promise, Derek." She paused, allowing a couple of tears to escape from her eye before taking in a deep, calming breath. "Thank you for believing in me, Derek. And for fighting for me."

He shook his head. "I think I should be the one thanking you. I didn't fight for you. You fought for me. You fought against nature itself, and you won and now you're okay. You're okay."

"I'm okay. And we'll make it through this."

-

"So she's going to be fine right?"

"Relax, Derek. She's going to be fine. I want to keep her here for another day though, and then you can take her home," Richard said, smiling at Addison.

Addison, in turn, furrowed her brow and turned to Derek. "Der? Where exactly is home?"

Derek grinned, causing Addison to blush slightly. It was one of those dreamy smiles that never failed to make her heart melt. "Wherever you want it to be."

Richard cleared his throat. "If home's in New York, I suggest you don't travel until next month. You're going to want to take it easy, Addison. It's not everyday that you pull through an 8-month coma in one piece."

Addison laughed lightly before turning serious again. "Derek?"

Derek turned to chief, looking at him with eyes that said he needed time alone with Addison. The chief nodded and smiled affectionately at Addison before stepping out.

"Derek?" she said again, sitting up straighter on the bed.

He took a seat next to her and opened his palms, allowing Addison to position her own palms on his. "You know that after everything, all I want is to make you happy right?"

She nodded.

"And that I would do anything you ask?"

She nodded again, creasing her forehead in thought.

He smiled. "Now I want you to think. Think of where you want to settle down or what you want your life to be after you've left this hospital. What do you see?"

Addison took a moment before responding. "New York. With you," she said simply, meeting his gaze.

"You're sure about New York, Adds?"

"I want to be able to practice, Derek. I want my old practice back, my friends, my family. I want to be closer in proximity with the people I care about."

He nodded. "New York it is, then."

"But you'll be happy too, right?" she questioned, genuinely concerned. "Because if you won't be, we can talk about it and—"

"I'll be happy wherever you are, and as long as you're happy. It'll make me happy, Addison. I promise." He gave her a reassuring smiled.

She smiled up at him before pressing her hand on his cheek, pulling him closer for a kiss. "As much as I want to talk about this more, Derek, I was deprived of everything for the past 8 months. And I want nothing more than to have you. Sexually."

Derek laughed heartily at her bluntness, and laughed louder at the serious expression on her face. "And as much as I want to ravage you right here, right now Addison, we're at a hospital and you need to rest. But in a day or two, I promise."

She pouted at him playfully, before joining in his laughter. "Okay fine. But we're still going to talk about this next time. I just want you close for now."

"I can do that," he said, and kicked his shoes off. He climbed at the bed behind Addison so that she was settled between his legs. He kissed her neck teasingly. "I love you Addison… Shepherd."

"Shepherd sounds good. And I love you too."

* * *

SHE'S AWAKE. :D I always find these things hard to write... happy things, I mean. Maybe I'm destined to be angst-ridden. Hahaha. Anyway. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think. :)


	21. Chapter 20

AN: So yes, she's awake. Derek gets to take her home in this chapter. :) Yey. Hahaha. Anyway, thanks so much for the reviews. I tried writing something steamy in this chapter... and some fluff. But like I said, I'm hopeless with happy things. So um... tell me what you think? About my attempt at the happy thing, I mean. Hahahaha. It's pretty embrassing too because my baby cousins know I write and I think they read whatever I put up here. Hahaha. My parents are prolly gonna find out too, so I tried to be... modest. (Who am I kidding? I didn't have to try to be modest about the steam because I have absolutely no experience and no basis. Hahaha. Okay, I just divulged something completely random. Sorry, I'm a bit nervous about posting this. :) )

- I own nothing.

* * *

"Good to see you up and about," the voice said teasingly.

Addison looked up from packing her things to see Bailey by the doorway, smiling at her proudly. She smiled back, straightening her posture to face her. "It's great to be up and about," she said dramatically, emphasizing her words with swift gestures.

Bailey laughed, entering the room fully. "Need any help in here?" she questioned, eyeing the bags she was packing.

She shook her, placing her hands on her hips. "I'm actually all set, but thank you."

There was a brief moment of silence before they simultaneously took a seat on the plush couch, settling their feet on the short coffee table. "Where's Derek?"

Addison shrugged. "Signing my discharge papers. I had to force him to sign them outside of this room. He's been cooped up way too long here."

Bailey nodded, recognizing the truth in her words. Derek never left Addison's side for more than a few minutes. He had spent the last 10 months on that chair next to the bed that everyone was sure he'd get an anxiety attack over being separated from it. "He was on that chair there constantly," she said, pointing to the rather uncomfortable looking chair by the bed. "He never got up from it unless completely necessary. That man probably slept there, too."

Addison smiled, completely touched by the simple gesture. It was overwhelming to have Derek care for her that way, considering how he could've given up on her at the very beginning.

"It was never an option for you to die," Bailey spoke again, meeting Addison's curious gaze. "He had so much faith that you'd pull through that it amazed all of us. He was the only one keeping everything together."

"He's wonderful that way," she said wistfully, wishing she could have seen the way Derek cared for her in the past months. "I'm lucky, I suppose… that I have a man like Derek Shepherd to love me."

Bailey snorted. "Love's an understatement, Addison. He was so devoted to you that he spent every waking moment praying to gods he didn't believe so you could wake up. He loves you with his life that I personally thought he was going to kill himself if you ever died. It's a complete 180 turn, Addison. He was so different from the Derek Shepherd who pined for you and Meredith Grey. I think he finally has his act back together." She paused before continuing. "Now, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, Addison, so wipe that look off your face. He loves you, no matter how much you push him away. There would be no stopping that. And he's proved that to everyone, to me, to the chief, to Grey, that you're his life and you come first. He put everything on hold for you Addison."

She nodded, wiping a stray tear that escaped her right eye. "I owe him so much, don't I?"

Bailey shook her head. "You don't owe him anything, because that's love and in love, everything's fair. But… you're alive because he didn't give up hope on you. And that's something to be thankful for."

"Thank you," Addison whispered, fully realizing the gravity of what Derek had done. He literally put his career on hold, his life as a surgeon and as a friend and son and brother so he could be her _husband_. It was the ultimate act of love and devotion that Addison could not help but feel blessed to have someone as caring and wonderful as Derek Shepherd to love her unconditionally. "I mean, I… I know he did all of those things. But when he said it, when he said the things he did, he made them sound so… normal, as if caring for me was the most normal thing in the world. In a way it is, really. But when you pointed out the things he went through, with his emotions and the trials… it just made me realize how hard it all was and how brave he was to have been there for me every step of the way."

She nodded slowly, taking Addison's hand and squeezing it lightly. "All he cared about was getting you better, Addison. And he succeeded. I'd say the two of you were always meant to be together. You sacrificed a lot for him, and he sacrificed a lot for you. Do us all a favor and stay together?"

Addison laughed at this, nodding fervently. "Yeah, I… I think we're staying together."

"Good. You create _too_ much drama when you're apart. God knows this hospital has enough of it."

Before Addison could react, the topic of the women's discussion came in, slightly hopping. He grinned widely at Addison and nodded at Bailey. "Looks like we're ready to go."

Addison nodded, standing up and moving to hug Bailey. "Thank you, Miranda," she whispered.

"No, thank you, Addison. I don't know what anyone would've done if we lost you. I'll see you soon?" she asked, returning the hug.

"Of course. Take care."

"You too." She turned and eyed Derek, smiling at him appreciatively for the first time. "Make her happy, McAss."

Derek looked slightly offended before laughing. "I will. Thank you, Miranda."

"It's still Bailey to you," she snapped, and then laughed playfully before exiting the room.

Derek bent to pick up Addison's things. "You ready honey?"

"Almost," she said, walking over to Derek and forcing him to straighten his back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he pulled her close, wrapping his own arms around her waist. "I love you."

"I love you too." He leaned in and kissed her chastely on the lips and pulled way quickly. "As much as I want to, Adds, the sooner we leave here, the sooner we can… you know."

Addison flushed. "You're right. Let's hurry."

-

"Where exactly are we going, Derek? I may have been out of it for 10 months, but I know this isn't the way to the trailer."

Derek glanced at her before smiling broadly. "You never were patient, were you?"

She shook her head and grinned. "Never, Derek. So please, spare me the agony and tell me. Are you bringing me out somewhere to kill me?"

"Ha-ha, Addison. Really." He paused and smiled slightly at the creases of frustration and curiosity on her forehead. "It's a surprise. But I promise, you'll love it."

She nodded and looked out the window, admiring the trees as they passed it. "As long as we get to not live in that old lunchbox of yours, I'd be really happy."

"Don't diss the trailer, Addison," he said warningly, and then laughed. "It's a nice trailer."

"Lunchbox."

"Trailer."

"Call it whatever you want, Derek. It's nothing but a lunchbox to me," she said, truly not fond of living in such a small cramped space.

Derek reached out to squeeze Addison's hand before turning the corner to a low-rise, high-end condominium with penthouse suites at the heart of the city.

"Derek?" she questioned, her eyes widening at the artistry of the building.

He shrugged. "You said you didn't want a cramped space. So I got you a very…. Spacious home."

She raised a brow at him before turning her attention back to the building. "Are you serious?"

He nodded, trying to gage her expression. "Do you not like it?" he asked, concerned. Yes the purchase was hasty, but it wasn't un-thought of. He had given clear and detailed instructions to his agent and the movers so that the suite would be at par with Addison's standards.

"You bought a house?" she asked, her voice betraying no emotion. "I thought…. New York?"

"Addie…"

"You're not moving back to New York with me, are you?"

His head snapped to her direction, hastily taking her hands in his. "Addison. I bought this for us. And if you want to move to New York, we will. But you heard what Richard said, no traveling for at least a month. That means you're stuck here in Seattle. So I took the liberty of getting you a comfortable place to live in because I knew how much you disliked the trailer." He looked at her anxiously.

There was a pause before she nodded approvingly. "That's thoughtful of you, Derek. Thank you." She took another look at the building and then met Derek's gaze. "I'm sorry I assumed so quickly. I… This is great."

"You mean it?"

She nodded, grinning at him widely. "I mean it. Thank you."

-

Addison laced her fingers with Derek's as they went up the elevator. She didn't know why she was suddenly so anxious about being outside the hospital, but having Derek with her was a big comfort. Her hand was clammy against his, and she tried to fight off the guilt she felt regarding the incident in the car. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate the gesture, because in truth, it was one of the sweetest things Derek had ever done for her. She supposed it was the idea of moving on, of moving forward with her life that terrified her slightly. She wasn't exactly fully adjusted to what had happened. Her mind had not completely grasped the reality of the situation. She would definitely need time to make of the recent events.

"Addie?"

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Derek pulling her out of the elevator, his expression curious.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded fast, too fast actually, and stepped out. In an attempt to clear her thoughts of the panic she knew was coming, she tried to take in the beauty of the hallway. It was renaissance, the mini chandeliers and the blood red carpets a delight to the eye. She took note of the elegance of the place, knowing full well that Derek had wanted to best for her.

Derek led her across the hall to a room marked '2' and slipped the key into place. He glanced at Addison's anxious expression. "Are you ready?"

"For what?"

"To go home," he said simply. "At least for the next month," he corrected.

She smiled, her worry instantly melting. "Anywhere you are is home, Derek."

He grinned at sentiment and kissed her quickly on the lips before turning the key in its hole and opening the door.

The first thing that she noticed was the pale cream color the walls of the living room were painted in. It had a cozy fireplace, a futon couch much like the one they had in New York, and hundreds of books lined on a shelf. At center of the room was huge picture of her and Derek on their wedding day. It was situated atop the fireplace, the picture a reminder of the things they were fighting for. It was something that embodied the happiness and hope they knew was coming.

She turned to Derek, in awe at the sight before her. "Did you do this on your own?" she asked, allowing herself to walk into the suite and graze her hand over every piece of furniture in the cozy living room.

"I had some help," he answered honestly, enjoying the look of wonderment in her eyes. He wanted nothing more than to see that wonderment everyday, and he was ready to face whatever challenges were there for her to have that. She deserved it, after all.

Addison stopped her inspection of the living room and turned to Derek, grinning at him widely. And then out of nowhere, she launched herself on Derek so that as he was attacked by the sudden force, he was carrying her and twirling her around the room. "It's perfect, Derek!" she cried, her eyes sparkling with joy.

"I take that you like it?" he asked, still carrying her. Although Addison was always a lightweight, this sort of lightness on her unnerved him somewhat. But he shoved the thought at the back of his head, instead focusing on the joy of the moment.

"I love it, Derek. Thank you." She slowly planted her lips against his, wrapping her arms around Derek's neck tighter.

"Addie," he moaned, feeling Addison's tongue slip into his mouth and dance with his own. "Bed," he whispered.

Addison shook her head, pulling away and breaking the kiss. "No bed," she breathed.

He raised a brow at her in question.

"New house," she explained, and Derek understood. Every time they bought a new house, they christened every room, every area, every floor space, countertop, table and chair. It wasn't something they planned, but it became a tradition, a very erotic one at that.

He nodded and fused his lips with hers again, walking towards the kitchen counter and setting her on it. He ran his hand up and down her thigh, causing her to moan pleasurably into his mouth.

She started unbuttoning his shirt and running her fingers on his bare chest, her lips leaving his as she trailed down kisses along his neck. He, in response, unzipped the back of Addison's dress and unfastened her bra hastily, his warm palms digging in to her back.

"Derek," she breathed, feeling her panties soak slightly. She discarded his top and reached her hands to the buckle of his belt, unfastening it. Shaking with passion, she slipped her hands into his boxers, giggling at the hard erection coming up.

He bit her lower lip and slid off the dress completely, leaving her clad in only her wet panties. Derek took a step back, admiring the beauty he had not seen for the past year. He smiled at her lovingly. "You're beautiful."

Flushing profusely at the intensity of his words, she urged her come closer. He obliged, shaking off his shoes, pants and boxers. Addison's eyes widened before she felt Derek's hands expertly pull her underwear off, inch by inch, teasingly. She closed her eyes and found Derek's lips, running her tongue on his.

The last of their clothes were discarded, and Derek proceeded to massage Addison's plump breasts, taking time to pinch her nipples slightly. He pulled Addison closer to him gently, and settled himself between her legs. He glanced down momentarily and smiled at sticky fluid pooling on the countertop.

"Derek," she said again, louder and more needy this time. He obliged, knowing full well what Addison wanted. Carefully, he slid himself inside of her, making sure she was comfortable with the position. Seeing that she was completely at ease, he lifted the tentativeness of the action and thrust in further, earning him a groan of pleasure from Addison.

Derek lifted her off the counter top slightly, forcing him to dig in deeper into her. Her thrusting became more urgent, and he wanted nothing more than to reach his peak. He thrusted in harder and deeper every time, moaning at the sensation of having Addison back with him again. It wasn't sex, really. It was love. And that was enough to send Derek into a fit of wet and erotic fantasies, knowing full well that whatever he and Addison went through, they would still be together.

Addison took one last deep and sudden plunge, pushing them both to their climax, the orgasm lasting more than but a few minutes. All the dampness and fluids trickled down from between their thighs, causing them to breathe hard and satisfied breaths. Addison slumped down on Derek's chest, him pulling her close.

"That was amazing, Addie."

She nodded, too worked up to form coherent thought.

Carefully, he lifted her off the counter table and cradled her to the bedroom, laying her down gently before lying next to her. Resting his head on his elbow, he peered in to Addison's eyes, still bearing the remnants of the pleasure. "You okay, Addie?"

She smiled up at him, fully satisfied. "More than okay, Derek." She strained her neck and kissed him chastely on the lips before standing up and pulling oneof Derek's shirts from the closet. She put on the over-sized shirt and threw Derek another shirt, grinning. "I was thinking of continuing my inspection," she said playfully.

He grinned and stood up, allowing Addison to walk past him and stare at bedroom fully.

"Red," she said, referring to the bedroom walls. "You have excellent taste."

He shrugged. "I copied the brownstone. And the sheets," he motioned.

"Are midnight blue." She raised a brow at him and laughed. "You remembered the sheets?"

Derek nodded, thoroughly amused by Addison's expression. When they first moved in to the Brownstone, they had argued about drape colors and couch upholstery, wall paint shades and bed coverings. Midnight blue was the only thing they had agreed on for the sheets because for Derek, they reminded him of ferry boats and the water. For Addison, it reminded her of Derek's eyes. "It's the only color we agreed on," he said simply.

She smiled and nodded. "They reminded me of your eyes. I mean… your eyes aren't midnight blue all the time. They're usually… powder blue," she said, gazing up into his eyes. "But whenever you're happy or elated or… feeling any sort of positive emotion, they turn to this dark shade of blue that never fails to make my heart melt."

Derek raised a brow at her, urging her to continue.

"It was my way of gaging your emotions. The night… the night you find me and Mark, I couldn't forget that look in your eyes. I couldn't, until now." She turned serious, her face falling at the memory. "They turned into this pale… almost grey blue. And I knew then how much I had hurt you." She took a seat on the edge of the bed and met his gaze. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

He kneeled in front of her, taking her hands in his. "Hey. None of that," he chided gently. "We've moved forward, remember? What happened before doesn't matter anymore. I hurt you first, and we've payed for our mistakes, I believe."

She nodded, unconvinced.

Derek put two fingers underneath her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. "Addie… what color are my eyes now?" he asked.

Her brow contorted in confusion. "What?"

"My eyes," he said again. "What color are they."

Addison looked at his eyes well, noticing how they sparkled with love and happiness. And true enough, his eyes were the color of the night sky, his happiness like stars against it. She smiled at him cautiously, and then reassuredly. "They're blue," she said.

"What shade?" he pushed, grinning slightly at her amusement.

"Midnight blue."

"And what does that mean?"

Addison laughed, conceding. "It means you're happy at this very moment."

He nodded. "That's right. And I'm content. I'm content and I'm happy and I can ask for nothing more, Addison. I love you. And it may be hard to comprehend things at this point in time, but as you may know, I'm not going anywhere. And we're going to do whatever it takes to make us work. Because you're the love of my life and I'd be damned if I ever let you go again."

Her eyes welled with tears at the sentiment. She knew in her heart Derek was now in it forever, more than he ever was before. And it gave her so much renewed hope for their future that it was overwhelming. "You're the love of my life, Derek. And I love you."

* * *

I would seriously appreciate your thoughts because this is prolly my lamest attempt yet. I like challenging myself but this... this is the biggest challenge yet. I'm still pretty flushed about writing it too. Hahahaha. Anyway, let me know what you think. :) Thank you!


	22. Chapter 21

AN: I was initially going to write a proposal and then a wedding for the next few chapters. But I wanted to give justice to it so I'm still thinking of a perfect way to write it, and a perfect setting and all that. This chapter basically buys me time to do just that. :) Thank you, btw, for all the reviews. I was pretty nervous about it considering it was such a lame attempt at squee. I still flush whenever I think about it. Hahaha. Anyway, hope you guys like this chapter. Thanks!

-I still don't own anything. But I prolly should considering how I update even if I have to be studying Chemistry and Biology right now, and considering how I keep Addison and Derek together...... so unlike Shonda. Hahaha. But whatever. Enjoy!

* * *

It took some coaxing, but Derek finally agreed to Addison's pleading. She wanted him to go back to work, to pick up where he left off so he could start living his life again. They spent a week at their new apartment, thoroughly enjoying not having a care in the world. They decided that for one week, they'd discuss nothing about what happened and would simply take things as they came. But after a week, Addison recognized the value of Derek and his moving forward and dealing with their issues, and the first step to forward was for Derek to go back to work. He agreed reluctantly, stating that he would be home early and that they would sort things out when he got home. The only major decision they had made was moving back to New York after Addison was fully recovered.

Derek's mind was wandering all throughout the day. He often found himself thinking of Addison, and considered ringing her up every hour. But he knew that that wouldn't sit well with Addison. So he had to suck it up and believe that this was for their own good. He was leaning on the nurse's station filling up charts when the chief saw him. It was a relief, somewhat, to be back to work. It reminded him that things were indeed going back to normal. He never realized how much he missed the surgeries, the adrenaline rushes and the over-all hustle and bustle of life as a doctor.

The chief stood right beside Derek, clearing his throat. "Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek looked up from his chart, straightening his back and smiling at Richard. "Chief. What can I do for you?"

"Walk with me, Shepherd," he said, motioning for Derek to match his pace.

He obliged, shooting Richard a questioning look. "Is something wrong?"

"How's Addison?"

Derek had to grin at the thought, reveling in the fact that Addison was back to normal, back to the old Addie everyone loved. "She's doing absolutely great, chief. Misses work, as usual. But she's taking it easy."

Richard nodded approvingly. "Have the two of you decided on things?"

He shook his head. "Not yet. Well, not much, anyway. We're moving back to New York."

The chief stopped in his tracks, facing Derek. "I'm losing my star surgeon?" he questioned disbelievingly. "You're going back to New York and you're notifying me _now_?"

Derek creased his brow in confusion. "I thought I mentioned that to you," he said, more to himself than to the chief. "We're moving back to a city she actually loves. We'll start over there."

The chief shook his head. "Derek… you can't just pick up and leave."

"You knew this was coming. And it's not against my contract. It ends in a month, if I remember it correctly. Everything just seems to be falling into place and—"

"Does Chief of Surgery ring a bell to you, Derek?" he interrupted, forcing Derek to look at him. He gazed sternly.

"What?"

"Didn't I tell you I was retiring soon and you're forerunner for the position? The board has decided. I'm stepping down in a month. You're next," he said tightly, Derek's face falling slightly.

"I completely forgot about that," he said honestly, his mind drifting to the implications of the job offer. It was always his dream to be chief, but he had promised Addison to cut back on hours and actually be her husband. He meant it at that time, of course. But right now, knowing that the opportunity was right under his nose, it certainly changed his thoughts on things.

"It appears to be that way, Derek. The board would like to talk to you. We're presenting you. So I want you to think about this long and hard. This has always been your dream, Derek. And god knows how long you've waited and how much you've sacrificed to get here. I also know the situation with Addison. So think about thoroughly. Decide if letting go of this dream is worth it." He gave Derek one last look before walking away, leaving Derek standing in the middle of the hallway.

-

Derek knew giving up any dream to be with Addison was worth it. Considering the things he went through to get to spend the rest of his life with her, he didn't doubt that a perfect life with Addison was what he wanted. But the Chief of Surgery position got him to thinking. He had worked so hard to get to the place he was in right now. He had gone through insane working hours at the hospital, giving up family events just to earn the sort of respect he had now. The position was luring him, inviting him to a life so grand, even he would have a hard time to refuse it.

His rational mind knew he would be trekking on thin ice if he even considered taking the position seriously. He knew it would be difficult and unfair to Addison. But the dream was calling him, begging him to go after it so he could finally fulfill what he'd always wanted in life.

Balancing two things was hard. He'd proven that once before. He could never create a healthy balance between his wife and work, and that was when he was merely the head of neurosurgery. He could never hit two birds with one stone and hope that he could maintain a reasonable balance between Addison and being chief. He could never attempt at it, as shown by Richard and Adele's example. But the thought of being chief bothered him all day that he had to mentally slap himself for even thinking it. Addison came first, supposedly.

-

"How was your first day back?" Addison asked as he walked through the foyer.

He shrugged, smiling distractedly. "It was okay. I had a craniotomy today, successful at that. I was pretty nervous about it. I thought I would've forgotten how to do it."

Addison smiled and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "That would never happen. You're Derek Shepherd, world-renowned neurosurgeon. You can never forget," she said meaningfully, kissing him chastely on the lips.

He pulled away after a moment, scratching his head. "What did you do all day?" he asked, trying to get his mind off of his conversation with the chief.

She shrugged, taking a seat on the couch and stretching her legs. "I cleaned. I tried cooking," she said, gesturing to the kitchen, "but that went horribly bad. So I went online, talked to a couple of people, to Savvy and Nancy and your mom. It was refreshing."

"So I take that you had a good day?" he said, moving over to sit on the couch beside her.

Addison nodded. "I also called my real estate agent in New York. Luckily, the brownstone's still intact so…. If you want to move back there, it's still available. But if you want to buy a new house, that's fine too. Derek?" she questioned, noting Derek's lack of response. "Are you okay? You seem distracted."

He snapped out of his thoughts and smiled nervously. "I'm okay," he said, clearing his throat to rid himself of the discomfort. "So what were you saying? About the brownstone?"

She narrowed her eyes but decided to let his attitude slip for now. "I said it's still there. I mean, if you want to move in there. We don't have to, you know, I just thought that maybe…." She stopped mid sentence, again noticing Derek's eyes wander, his gaze pushing right through. She knew him well enough to know that something was bothering him.

Derek looked up, realizing she had stopped talking and that he wasn't paying attention once more. He smiled apologetically at Addison.

"Something bothering you?" she asked, her tone implying that she wanted no bullshit from him.

For a moment, he considered not telling her, but he decided Addison knew him better than anyone and that she would figure things out anyway. He sighed, taking Addison's hand in his and looking up at her meaningfully. "I had a talk with the chief today."

"And?"

"He's stepping down from the position," he whispered, stopping to try and see Addison's expression.

She nodded slowly. "Oh-kay..? That's… sad. Long overdue, but sad. But what does it have anything to do with…." A look of realization crossed her features, putting two and two together. Derek didn't need to tell her. She knew. "You're being offered the job," she said, devoid of any emotion. It wasn't a question, but a statement.

Derek nodded, willing Addison to understand his confusion.

"How do you feel about it?" she asked, trying to keep her tone even. She didn't want to jump to conclusions.

"I…. I don't know how I feel about it," he said honestly. "I know that I promised you New York and that I was willing to give surgery and hours at the hospital to spend time with you but this—"

"Is your dream," she stated, knowing the line all too well. She had heard it so many times before when they were in New York. "It was always your dream to be chief." She paused, trying to deny the fact that Derek was considering abandoning the promises he had made to her to convince her to get treated.

He nodded again, unable to meet her gaze. "It's my dream," he whispered. "And I just…"

"But I thought you wanted to spend time with me more? That you were willing to move back to New York with me? Derek. Do you realize that marriage and life as chief would never coincide? Never co-exist healthily?" She was confused.

"I realize that, Addison. But… cut me some slack. I—"

"You can't have us both," she said firmly. "It's either me or being chief, Derek. I won't sit here and go through this all over again. I'm done with late nights waiting up for you. I'm done with making excuses to your family for your absence. I'm done with your indecisions and your fickle mindedness. So I'm telling you to choose now. I'm not stupid enough to go through this again. Not again."

Derek sighed, his heart aching at the difficulty of the situation. He knew Addison was supposed to be his priority, but the position was something long sought after.

"You know what?" she said, standing up angrily. "I can't even believe that you even considered going back on your word. You promised, Derek! You promised that there was something to live for, something better. And I fucking believed you! I can't begin to fathom how you could just let go of those promises, with no regard for my feelings, just because the position opened up and you realized you wanted it too. Newsflash, Derek. I'm not the same Addison. I'm just not. And I will not sit around and watch you treat me as second best!" With that, she stomped angrily towards their bedroom, banging the door loudly to let him know her displeasure.

He didn't understand why all of a sudden, he started to overlook Addison's feelings. The position was something he always wanted, but he must admit that having Addison was so much more important than anything else. He sighed, unable to decide. He knew the decision should've been an easy one. But something in his gut told him he could work things out, if only he could convince Addison to stay in Seattle. It would be hard, but it would be worth. However, just as Addison had said, he couldn't have both dreams and he was going to have to give up one dream for another.

-

Addison stared blankly at the ceiling, all too familiar with their situation. They had argued over this countless times back in New York, and she had truly believed this time was different. But it wasn't. Derek was still conflicted, and it didn't help that he had promised her better things so that she would agree to get treated. She angrily wiped away the tears that were falling from her eyes, painfully aware of the emptiness of the room. Derek had gone out for a walk an hour ago, or so he said into the door. Quite frankly, she couldn't care less where he was at the moment. She just needed to think.

She couldn't believe that Derek was compromising her again. It hurt, considering how they were supposed work on them. But they couldn't work out if Derek was too busy at the hospital, and could end up like Richard practically living in his office.

It suddenly occurred to her that she and Derek weren't married, and that she could easily pick up her life and go back to New York without him. But it was always different with the two of them. They weren't just some conventional divorced couple. They were Addison and Derek, and they were never capable of having anything meaningless, having no strings attached. She sighed, frustrated that she was once again back to square one.

She decided she was going to let him decide, that she would accept him without grudges if he decided to move back to New York with her. But if he didn't… well, she was trying to avoid thinking about it. Derek would never back out on his word.

It seemed unfair that just when they were going to start living life smoothly, fate throws them a curveball and catches them unprepared. She wanted a life with him so badly that it physically hurt even thinking about Derek choosing work over her. She was just so ready to move forward with him after the disease, that it felt unfair for that chance to be taken away so _soon_.

"It's just too soon," she said into the dark. "Too soon to have him taken away from me again, just when I started to hope more for us. Just when I started to believe things were going to be better."

-

Derek got back to the penthouse about three hours later after a long walk around the city. He tried to clear his mind of the confusion. He wanted to think straight. And the walk helped immensely, because he realized that no matter what happened, the honor of being chief would mean nothing if he didn't have Addison. Hell, he could be working as a garbage collector and he'd still be happy, for as long as Addison was with him. He realized it would be selfish of him to ask her to stay in Seattle when clearly she wasn't happy there. It was wrong, and she didn't deserve a miserable life. She deserved the best, and he reminded himself that a year ago, he set out on being the best man Addison deserved, and he had every intention of keeping the promise.

He carefully made his way to the bedroom, pausing by the door as he heard Addison sniffling softly. His heart clenched at the thought of hurting Addison again. She had been through so much, and it wasn't fair to her if she continued to hurt that way. He laid his hand on the doorknob and carefully opened it, slipping off his shoes and settling himself beside Addison.

Tentatively, Derek lifted his hand and touched her, flinching slightly at the way Addison's body tensed. Allowing her a moment to adjust to the touch, he firmly planted a kiss on her forehead and pulled her close to him. She was reluctant at first, but gave in after realizing Derek wouldn't give up.

"Shhhh, Addie," he whispered, stroking her hair. "I know… I know I hurt you this evening. And I'm sorry. I promised you better things, and I was at the brink of not keeping my end of the bargain. But I'm here now, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was an ass for even considering letting you go again. I'm sorry I was momentarily blinded by the power that I somehow overlooked that that power would mean nothing if I don't have you." He paused, stroking her hair and willing her to stop crying. Every tear she shed was a stab to his heart.

"Derek…" she hiccupped, turning to face him and meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry, Addie. I wasn't thinking. I mean… I wasn't thinking straight. I love you, and nothing would make me happier than to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want to be chief, I realized that now. I don't want anything else but you. You're the love of my life and I'd be damned if I ever let you go."

"But it's your dream," she protested, willing her tears to stop falling. She balled her fists and pressed them to her eyes, desperate.

Derek's heart broke once more, and he wrapped his arms around her tighter, kissing her forehead. "I dream of nothing more than making you happy. I promise. I'm sorry I even thought about it, Adds."

She nodded, burying her face in his chest. "Do you mean that?"

"I mean it," he said sincerely, knowing that he would never regret every deciding to put Addison before anything. "I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered, her voice honest and sincere. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"It doesn't matter, Addison. Right now, what matters is us. So yes, I am going to refuse chief. Yes we're moving back to New York. Yes we're living in the brownstone. Yes, we're starting over. Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She looked up and smiled amid the tears. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too," she stated.

"In that case," Derek said, tapping her nose lightly, "we have to arrange a wedding, don't we?"

Addison laughed, feeling silly for laughing and crying at the same time. "You're going to have to ask me first, Derek. Protect my honor, will you?"

He smiled. "I'm going to ask you, yes. But I'm not prepared tonight. I have no speech, no surprise, no special dinner and no ring. So I'm not going to ask you tonight."

She raised a perfectly shaped brow at him. "I don't need a ring. Or a surprise or anything like that. I just want you."

"I know you don't need a ring, Addison. You threw your rings out, remember?"

Her jaw fell slightly. "How do you know that? How do you know I threw it out in the water?" Her voice was shocked, disbelieving.

"You threw them out in the water?" he asked incredulously. "I didn't know you threw them in the water. I just knew you didn't keep them," he said, laughing at her expression. "Nevertheless, I know you don't need those things, but it would honestly make me feel better if I were more prepared than this."

"I don't need a full-blown proposal, Der."

"I know you don't. But I want to."

"Well I'm in the mood tonight," she stated. "So why don't you practice your speech with me? I'll tell you if I like it," she smiled, her eyes expectant.

Derek laughed. "Are you serious, Addison?"

"I'm dead serious, Derek," she said, imitating his tone.

He paused, realizing Addison was completely serious. Gathering his thoughts for a moment, he sat both of them up and took her hands in his. He cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. "Addie…"

"Just… pretend I'm a friend, and you're practicing your speech with me… from the day you proposed all those years ago."

He nodded, trying to find the right words to say.

"_Come on, man. I'm serious."_

_Mark laughed at Derek's nervous pacing, his hands clutching the Tiffany box shakily. "I know you're serious. So what? How are you going to do it?"_

"_I want it to be sweet."_

_He nodded. "Knowing you man, I know it's going to be sickenly sweet. No offense, but you're a girl at heart."_

_Derek shot Mark an annoyed look. "You're not helping." He sighed, continuing his pacing. _

"_Have you thought about what you're going to say?"_

_Derek nodded. "I have."_

"_Let's hear it then."_

_Derek stopped pacing, turning to face Mark. "Are you kidding me? You'd laugh your brains off."_

"_I promise not to," he said, settling himself on the couch. He gestured for Derek to start. "Go ahead. You're Derek and I'm Addison."_

_Derek closed his eyes and breathed in. He laid the box on the coffee table and stood up straight, concentrating. "Addison," he began, his hands sweating. "I could ramble on about how you've changed me, or about how beautiful you are. I could ramble on about your smile, your life, your hair… just… everything about you to no end. I could even ramble on about just your eyes and go on forever. But I won't. Rambling is for people unsure, nervous. Babbling is for people who do not know what they want in life and are merely hoping instead of taking action. So I'm not rambling on. I'm not babbling on. I am saying, communicating, taking action. They say that communication is the best way to make a relationship work, and I believe that. I believe that for something to work out, I should voice out my feelings and tell you exactly what I'm thinking of. _

"_So I'm voicing out my thoughts now. I'm thinking of you; of your green eyes that remind me of rebirth, of spring, of hope and of life. I'm thinking of your red hair; red that reminds of me love, of passion. I'm thinking of everything about you and it makes me realize…you're the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life. _

"_I guess what I'm trying to say is that ever since I met you, you have made me into a better man. You've turned my world upside down and stole my heart. And Addison Montgomery, I believe I'm never going to get it back. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You've made me the happiest man in the 1,549 days I've known you, Addie. And I would be happier for billions of days more, until forever, if you agree to be my wife._

"_Will you marry me, Addie? Marry me and make me the happiest man in the universe?"_

_Mark was silent, taking in Derek's words. Derek looked nervously at Mark. _

"_That bad?" Derek asked, his feet shifting from side to side. _

_Mark's silence turned into proud laughter. "You're getting her, man. You are so getting her to marry you. Congratulations!"_

Sooo? What'd you think? Do you guys have any suggestions about Derek's proposal? And the wedding? I've just gotten around to watching Alex and Izzie's wedding. It made me tear up so bad. Hahaha. Anyway, thank you for reading and let me know what you think. :)

* * *


	23. Chapter 22

AN: I had biology lab the other day, and we had to pithe, kill and skin a frog. We had the liberty of naming the frog we were going to work on, and I'm proud to say that I named my frog.... _Meredith Grey._ Hahaha. It made me feel better about killing an animal. :D

Anyway, here's the next chapter. :) It took me a couple of days to write this, and it's not exactly a chapter I'm completely happy with. It's really short, too. But I promise the next chapters are gonna be great, considering how the story's drawing to a close. :) But just the same, I hope you like this and I promise to update soon.

-I own nothing.

* * *

"Derek? You do realize that this is one of the cheesiest things you've ever done in your entire life, right?"

Derek nodded absently, setting down another box on the floor. "I know. But it's worth it. Something you would realize if you ever find someone to actually commit to."

Mark scowled, taking a seat on the couch and raising his feet to rest on one of the boxes. "I like the life of a bachelor. So what?"

"So what? You ruined my marriage, Mark," Derek said, his tone void of accusation. They had come to a point when mentioning the affair was nothing but a joke. It was a sign that they had all moved on from it.

Mark nodded. "Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. The fact still remains, though. Women… multiple women at that, make me want to shed my clothes off and—"

"Enough with the mental image, Mark. I don't need any more of it. God knows I've seen enough of your ass when I caught you in bed with my wife," Derek stated, his face slightly disgusted, but mostly just amused. "Get your lazy ass off the couch will you, and make yourself useful?" He kicked the box underneath Mark's feet and shot him a warning look.

"Alright, fine," Mark said, standing up and kicking the box to the corner. "What exactly are you planning this time?"

Derek shrugged. "I haven't really thought about it. I just asked Nancy to send over all these things from the brownstone. I haven't exactly figured out what to do."

"Don't you want to propose in New York? It'd be more memorable."

Derek shook his head. "I thought about that. But Seattle was always a bad memory for Addison, and I wanted to give her at least one good memory out here."

Mark paused, not believing the sentimental man in Derek. "That's sweet, I suppose."

Derek sighed dramatically and chuckled. "_Finally_! Sweetness you approve of."

"Hey! That's not fair. Contrary to what you believe, I can actually be a romantic," Mark said, slightly offended.

"Whatever. Until you settle down and commit, I don't believe a word you say."

Mark snorted. "I'm a sweet guy, Derek. I moved here for Addison, remember?"

Derek raised a brow. "She didn't want you here," he stated, eyeing Mark curiously.

He paused, somehow thinking of something to throw back. Not coming up with anything, he sighed, defeated. "Fine, she didn't want me here. But I retain that it was a sweet gesture for me to pick up my life in New York and move to a city that never stops raining for her. Just like what she did for you."

Derek nodded, seeing Mark's point. It truly was a sweet and selfless gesture that Derek now realized was a focal point for their marriage. If Addison didn't come over to Seattle and fight for their marriage, they wouldn't be where they were now. God only knows she could have ended up marrying Mark.

"You okay buddy?" Mark asked from the doorway, his arms full with another large box.

Derek looked up and smiled tensely. "Yeah, I'm okay. I was just… thinking."

"Did it hurt?"

He scowled, sending Mark dagger looks. "I think a lot, thank you very much."

Mark shrugged. "I'm just saying," he said, settling the last box on the ground, "that for a neurosurgeon, you don't exactly use your brain much."

-

"So you're moving back to New York?"

Addison nodded, holding the cordless phone closer to her ear. "We are. Maybe in a month or so. I don't know."

Naomi smiled, settling herself on her office chair comfortably. "Why New York?"

"Why not?" Addison questioned. "New York's home. It's always going to be home. Seattle was never something that was supposed to be permanent. For me, at least."

"That, I understand. But… don't you want to try another city? I mean, if you guys are starting over, like really really starting over, don't you think you should do it in some place you guys don't have a memory in in every corner?"

"Nae, if there's one thing I have proved in my life, it's that moving to another city doesn't make your problems go away. They just follow you like a shadow. So whether or not Derek and I move to New York, or stay in Seattle, or settle in some uncharted town in Mexico, our problems are still going to be there."

Naomi sighed. "I was hoping you wouldn't find a logical comeback to what I said."

Addison furrowed her brow. "Why not?" she asked, confused.

"Well… I have an empty office," she started, hoping Addison would get the hint.

"Empty what? Nae… " she sighed, knowing Naomi would pull off something like that. "Thank you, really. It's a generous offer. But… there's also Derek to think about."

"Fine. I have two empty offices. One of which is a temporary storage for boxes, like the practice's garage or attic or something like that, but Derek can have it if he wants it."

Addison sighed. "Derek and I are surgeons. We won't… no, he won't be able to live his life knowing he can't cut. Maybe I can get used to it, but not him. Surgery's his life. I can't ask him to give that up."

"Shouldn't you be his life, Addie?"

"Maybe I am. But I already asked him to turn down the COS position. I can't possibly ask him to abandon surgery, too."

Naomi nodded understandingly. "Well… it was a tough shot for me, anyway. But the position's still open for you, in case you change your mind."

"I'll be sure to remember that. Thank you."

"Alright. Well… I have to let you go now. I'm picking up Maya from violin."

"Okay. Say hi to her for me, okay? And my best to Dr. Feel Good?"

"Sure will," Naomi laughed. "Bye."

Addison hung up and settled the phone on the coffee table, lifting her feet and resting it on the couch. She contemplated how she ever ended up in the place she was in. She was in remission, was going to spend the rest of her life with Derek, and had pulled through a 10-month coma without so much as a bump or two. It amazed her how she had survived so much.

What amazed her most, however, was the way her relationship with Derek unfolded. They went from totally in love, to happily married, to cheating spouses and then exes, and now they were back together and planning to get remarried. It was like a huge soap opera, a roller coaster drama, and quite honestly, she would have it no other way.

She had been pondering for about ten minutes when the loud ringing of her mobile phone startled her out of her thoughts. Taking a moment to calm herself, she reached out and pressed the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hi, Addie!"

Addison grinned. "Hi, Derek."

"How's your day been so far?" he asked, his voice full of interest.

She shrugged, laying her head down on the armrest of the couch so she was basically lying down. "I'm bored Derek. I've cleaned this place thrice over," she said dramatically. "What time does your shift end?"

"A couple more hours," he lied, knowing full well Addison believed him. He wasn't exactly a good liar, but today, he could suck it all up and be the best one.. In truth, he took the day off with Mark so he could come up with a lovely surprise for her tonight.

"Oh," she said, trying to mask her disappointment. "Well… would you like to go out for dinner?"

"Actually… I was going to take you out tonight to this Chinese place I discovered. I know how much you love Chinese." _Another lie_.

Addison grinned. "Well, I'll give you one thing. You sure know how to win your way to a girl's heart." She paused. "Chinese sounds great."

"Okay, then. I'll pick you up and seven."

"Okay."

"Wear something fancy. It's like a jade garden, fine dining sort of place. It'll be fun."

"How fancy is fancy?" she asked, trying to take a virtual tour of her closet in her head. Her face fell when she realized the only clothes she had at the moment were a couple of jeans and shirts she had purchased when she got out of the hospital. Everything else was still at the brownstone, including her shoe collection.

"Fancy," he said simply, knowing whatever Addison put on would look gorgeous on her. He looked beside him to find Mark, the chief, Izzie and some new interns hanging up various decorations on the walls. He grinned approvingly at them. He was excited and nervous at the same time. He only wished he could pull it off well.

"Any color preference, Dr. Shepherd?" she asked seductively as she scampered to the bedroom and pulled on a sweater, getting ready to go to the mall.

He gulped, knowing what Addison was suggesting. "You know what I want."

"Emerald green," she said, pointing out a fact. She knew how much Derek loved the color on her, though she never understood why.

"They match your eyes," he whispered, remembering the first time he saw Addison wear a floorlength emerald green dress. It was during her father's annual gala, 2 months into their dating. She had come down from the foyer practically floating, her red mane in a bun with a few dangling curls. She had taken her breath away then, and whenever he thought about how her eyes had matched perfectly with that beautiful dress, he couldn't help but fall in love all over again.

Addison blushed, being transported back to that first gala they attended together. Derek had looked at her with so much adoration in his eyes that she was so sure she was falling in love with him. Shaking her head lightly, she looked at the wall clock and smiled satisfactorily. "Okay then. 7pm, Chinese food, an emerald green dress and my sparkling personality. I'll be ready by then." She paused. "I have enough time to shop. I have nothing to wear here."

"Promise to drive safely?" he asked, concern lacing his voice.

"I promise. Thank you." She was touched. If a year ago someone had told her Derek would ellicit that much concern towards her again, she would have laughed at the absurdity of the idea. But now, Derek had taken a 180 degree turn, and she loved him all the more.

"That's great. I'll see you in a bit," he said excitedly. "I love you." The words rolled off his tongue so smoothly, as if he were meant to say it every waking moment of everyday.

"I love you more, Derek," she said with the same amount of passion.

"That," he chuckled, "I think, is quite impossible. _I_ love you most."

She giggled lightly, enjoying Derek's affection. "How about we call it a tie? You can't possibly love me most."

He laughed heartily, feeling truly happy. "Okay, fine. We'll call it a tie. For now, at least." He paused. "Take care Addie."

"You too, Der. Bye."

When Addison hung up, Derek proceeded to call his agent, who by now was like his personal secretary. He was thankful to have someone as efficient as the young girl he had hired. She was a romantic herself, and knew the things that would make Addison's knees go weak.

"Hi, Anna! How's everything? Have you narrowed them down? Yes… okay. Well, will you bring them here or..? Okay. Does it look exactly like the first engagement ring? Perfect. And did you do the—yes. Okay. Wonderful. I'll see you in a bit. Thank you."

Grinning slightly, he looked up at the handiwork he and his friends had come up with, loving every single part of it. It looked perfect, and he knew Addison would love it. Now, he thought, Addison would have one, not just good, but _perfect_ memory in Seattle.

* * *

Pretty short, I know. But the story's about to end so.... the last chapter will prolly be the last. :) Thanks for reading!


	24. Chapter 23

AN: Hello everyone. This is going to be the last chapter for this story. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who's read and reviewed. It means a lot considering how this is my first attempt at writing. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this, and I hope that you had as much fun reading it. :) Until next time, thank you so much and take care!

-Still don't own anything.

* * *

Addison finished the last touches of her make-up before admiring herself fully in the mirror, smoothing out invisible creases on the long emerald green dress that hung delicately on her body. She couldn't remember being this hopeful for something in the past years. True, she had had her fair share of excitement, from nights before Christmas to the anniversary dinners she had planned out for her and Derek. But it seemed, in the last years of their marriage, that excitement all proved to be for nothing, for she always ended up hopeless each time Derek couldn't attend a function.

Tonight, however, she was more than hopeful and excited. She was ready; ready for the life ahead of her. She never would have imagined surviving turmoil such as what she went through alone. But she had found renewed faith in what she and Derek had, had found renewed faith in Derek himself.

She smiled to herself as she heard the door to their apartment opening, followed by a set of footsteps echoing softly across the hall.

"Addie?"

Taking another quick glance at herself, she grabbed her clutch bag and exited their bedroom, grinning as she saw Derek dressed handsomely in his crisp suit.

"Right here."

Derek turned, his eyes sparkling with delight as he saw how Addie indeed wore an emerald green dress, and how she looked perfectly made up. Her hair was down, curled slightly and bouncing just off the edge of her shoulders. Her make-up was nude, emphasizing her natural beauty and the color of her eyes. The dress hung perfectly on her curves, showing off just the right amount of his skin to make his head spin in erotic and passionate desires. He stood there, transfixed at the beauty that was Addison Montgomery, allowing his eyes to travel from head to toe, taking in all of her.

She cleared her throat; slightly uncomfortable with the way he was looking at her. "Mesmerized much?" she asked, her voice amused.

He nodded, snapping out of his trance and walking over to her, handing her the bouquet of daisies he bought on his way to the apartment. "Always," he replied, watching her take the flowers gratefully and bring them to her face to waft.

"They're lovely, Derek. Thank you."

"No. _You're_ lovely."

She raised a brow at him. "Lovely?"

He laughed lightly, setting his hands firmly on her waist and pulling her closer. "Beautiful. Enchanting. Breathtaking."

Addison smirked. "You don't look half bad yourself."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Thank you."

She giggled, leaning up to kiss him tenderly on the lips. "You look dashing, Derek."

"That's what I'm talking about," he said, bending down and fusing their lips again, this time for a more heated kiss, their tongues dueling in restrained passion.

Addison pulled away first, her cheeks flushed and breath ragged. "That probably wasn't a good idea, Derek. I'd be too… distracted for Chinese now."

"We wouldn't want that, wouldn't we? I had this night all planned out."

She smiled, pulling away from his arms and walking to the kitchen to set the flowers in vase of water. "Tell me you have more than one plan and that the second plan involves canceling our dinner reservations to stay at home and just—"

"Ravage each other?" he smirked knowingly.

She stuck his tongue out at him, and then relented with a laugh. "Yes."

He walked over to her and kissed her forehead. "I would like that very much, Addie. But I worked extra hard to get these reservations on such short notice that I'd hate to see it go to waste. But we'll have part two of my plan later tonight. How's that?"

"That sounds good."

"Wonderful," he said, taking the vase from Addison's hand and setting it on the counter. "Now if there's nothing else, are you ready to go, my lady?" he asked, offering her his arm.

She smiled and linked her arm with his, thoroughly enjoying his chivalry. "I'm ready, kind sir, for you to whisk me off into the night and eat Chinese take-out at some park in the middle of a city that never stops raining," she joked dramatically, her theatrics amusing him to no end.

-

"Where are they?" Izzie asked, her foot tapping impatiently on the marble floor.

"Chill, will you? These hundred thousand balloons aren't going anywhere, and it won't matter if they come here five minutes earlier or later." Cristina rolled her eyes, wishing there was more alcohol in the punch.

"But," she whined, "Dr. Shepherd is rarely a romantic. And this is probably one of the sweetest things I've seen anybody do for anybody. Can't you all be excited to see how Addison reacts?"

They all shrugged, turning their attention back to the party. In all fairness, it was in full blow. All the interns and attending and residents were having a grand time. The food was catered by the best caterer in Seattle. The walls were lined with family portraits and pictures as well as placards that read lines to their wedding song. There were balloons and music, dancing and disco lights. The hall at the hospital was rearranged to look exactly like the place where Derek had first proposed. Everything in the room screamed Addison and Derek, or rather, AddisonandDerek.

It was during Nancy's wedding to her husband that Derek decided to propose. Nancy being a romantic herself pushed Derek to propose at her reception, secretly telling her wedding planner to schedule Derek in the program so that all eyes were on them. It turned out to be a magical experience, the lights dimming rightly, the music playing softly, and the words flowing out of his mouth passionately. Back then, the reception hall was decorated with pictures of Nancy and her husband, with the lyrics of their wedding song lining the walls, and about 1000 silver balloons scattered on the floor. It truly was a sight to behold, and it was what Derek wanted to recreate. They had been so in love at that time, unable to keep their hands off of each other for more than two hours, that he wanted to remind Addie of how things used to be, and they could get it all back.

All of a sudden, the music started to change into something more mellow, befitting the occasion they were celebrating.

Izzie strained her neck, and then grinned widely before squealing. "They're here!"

-

"Derek?"

"Yeah?" he replied, helping Addison out of the car.

"This isn't a Chinese restaurant," she stated, obviously confused. "This is Seattle Grace. Why are we at the hospital?"

Derek shrugged, once again linking their arms together and escorting her to the entrance. "Would you believe me if I said I had a last-minute patient?"

She shook her head. "No. So the question remains, why are we the hospital?"

He turned to look at her and then smiled. "You'll see."

She nodded, knowing full well that Derek wasn't going to give her anything more than that. Years of experience taught her that her impatience was nothing compared to Derek's insistence. He was always good at keeping secrets.

Derek led her to the hospital's multi-function room. Even from far away, Addison could hear the blaring of loud music which signified a party to her. She knew, then, what Derek was up to.

"You're such a romantic," she teased, tightening her arm linked around his. "You seriously put together a party?"

He laughed. "Looks like I don't have a surprise anymore. You figured it out too soon."

"You're not that hard to read. In fact, you're pretty predictable."

Derek raised a brow at her, smirking.

"All right, fine. You're not predictable," she conceded. "But the music's a dead give-away."

"True. But are you ready?"

She nodded, grinning widely. "I've was born ready, Der."

With that, he unlinked their arms and laced their fingers instead, leading her down the hall and into the music-filled room.

Addison stopped dead in her tracks, taking in the sights before her. She didn't notice that everyone stopped dancing and talking the moment they walked into the room. She didn't notice that the music changed from loud party music to their wedding song. All she noticed were the pictures hanging up on the wall, the balloons, the confetti, the over-all glitter the room possessed. She was immediately transported back to a time and place when everything between she and Derek were great.

The room looked exactly like Nancy's reception, finely decorated with daisies and soft pink roses. A slow smile of delight crept up on her face as she read the words displayed on the walls. They all made perfect sense, touching her heart in such profound ways that she couldn't begin to comprehend the beauty before her. The place literally took her breath away.

She was startled out of her thoughts by Derek soft breath on her neck. "I take that you like it?" he asked, grinning at the wonderment in her eyes.

Addison nodded, still too shocked to form coherent words. She brought her hands to her lips, her eyes still gazing at the product of Derek's romanticism.

"It's beautiful, Derek," she whispered finally, turning her head to meet his gaze.

He smiled. "I'm glad you like it," he said, his eyes twinkling with happiness at seeing Addison's reaction. He held out his hand to her. "Dance?"

She grinned and nodded, placing her hand in his. The crowd parted, all eyes on them. It was a strange feeling, to have everyone look at her and Derek with so much admiration. It never occurred to anyone that Dr. Shepherd could be a romantic, and that Dr. Montgomery could be anything more than a fighting force.

He led her to the dance floor, wrapping both his arms on her waist as she wrapped hers on his neck. She buried her face in his chest, breathing in his scent.

Derek swayed her to the rhythm of the music, savoring the feeling of her in his arms. "_Suddenly the world seemed such a perfect place. Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace…_" he sang softly, taking in the words.

"_Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste. It all revolves around you_." Addison lifted her head, meeting his eyes and smiling softly.

"_And there's no mountain too high. No river too wide. Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side_."

"_Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide. But I love you, until the end of time_." He looked at her intensely, needing her to believe the words he was singing. He would indeed love her until forever, beyond death, beyond infinity. She was the love of his life, and nothing could be truer than the love he felt for her.

"_Come what may_…" She grinned, her head flashing back to the memories they shared together, both the good and the bad. She knew now that whatever happens, Derek was by her side and that she need not fear anything. They were each other's constant, and she loved him with all her soul.

"_Come what may_…" He was sure that regardless of the hurdles they had met, and would still meet, through thick and thin, they would be together. And that was enough for him. To have her in his life was enough, but knowing that come whatever, she would still love him, made his heart burst with so much joy.

"_I will love you until my dying day_," Addison whispered, meaning every word of it. Considering the number of near death experiences she had encountered in the past year, she knew the words were true. That even on the brink of death, Derek would be the one occupying both her mind and heart.

"_Come what may, come what may, I will love you…"_

"_I will love you… Suddenly world seemed such a perfect place…"_

"_Come what may…_" he sang, twirling Addison around in perfect synchrony with music. He lifted her off the dance floor and swirled her, his heart proud at the fact that finally, he was giving Addison one good, if not perfect, memory in Seattle.

"_Come what may_.." she laughed, savoring every moment she had with Derek. Nothing in the world could compare to the kind of things they had been through, both as a couple and as individuals. And it was the greatest comfort to know that she had someone who loved her as much as she loved him.

"_I will love you until my dying day_," twirling her around faster, and then breathing heavily as he dipped her back as the song ended. They stayed that way for a moment, their faces a mere two centimeters apart. They were staring lovingly into each others eyes, their grins so wide that it made everyone in the room overwhelmed by the love that emanated from both of them.

He lifted both of them up again, now standing normally. Before she knew it, he was fumbling for something in his coat pocket, and then kneeling right in front of her. Her jaw fell open, not expecting him to do it the way it had happened at Nancy's wedding; with everyone looking at them and with the proposal happening right after they danced.

He cleared his throat, and the soft murmurs from the crowd subsided, leaving the room with expectant silence. Derek looked up, finding assurance in Addison's loving eyes.

"If for one day, I ever believed that I could live without you, shoot me now. Because even after everything we've been through, I never actually believed I could spend my life without. I knew it was something I had to believe if I wanted to go on with my life. But I never came into terms with that, and I remain skeptic about the way I shall live my life without you."

Derek paused, completely tossing aside the words he had rehearsed in front of Mark earlier that day. Everything was now rolling off his tongue with so much passion and truth that he didn't need that prepared speech. All he needed was his heart.

"I can't ever, Addie. Being apart from you is enough to keep me awake at night, enough to keep me on the edge of my seat and unsettled. I've often wondered why, considering everything we've been through. I've often wondered why it was that you had that sort of effect on me. How you could comman my very being with a mere shrug, a wink, a smile.

"But about a year ago, I was faced with the possibility of losing you forever, and I finally realized why being without you makes me miserable.

"It's because _I love you_, Addison. I love you with every fiber of my being that it would be impossible for me to be Derek, to be even close to human, without you. Everything about you makes my world go round, and to have you in my arms is enough to keep me more than satisfied.

"I was an ass to even think that I could do without you. I was selfish to think that I could be happy, that I could go on with my day to day life without your love. The day I let you go marks the day I officially lost my mind, and my heart, and gave in to stupidity."

Addison's eyes brimmed with tears her lower lip quivering. "Der—"

Derek held his hand up, signaling for her to let him continue.

She nodded, the effort of keeping her tears at bay getting harder by the second.

"But I'm a changed man. I have proven to myself that I can never live without you, that I'm not alive if I don't have you. I've proven that my love for you transcends time and space, that it's universal, that it's enough to keep you and me together now. Forever.

"So I'm asking you, Addison, as the man who's loved you for the past 7,533 days of his life, unto forever, to consider forgiving me and giving me back both my mind and my heart… by marrying me."

He pulled out the box and opened it, revealing a gold ring studded with three diamonds. Addison's jaw fell. The ring looked exactly like her first engagement ring, the one he gave her all those years ago. She was sure it wasn't the same ring, considering how she threw it out in the river when they divorced. But the gesture touched her, how he had specifically asked to recreate the ring that symbolized their happiest of times.

Derek grinned at her, noting the pleasant shock on her face. His heart clenched with so much happiness, knowing that he was now on the brink of having her forever.

"So will you marry me, Addison Forbes Montgomery, and become the Shepherd you were always meant to be?"

Addison's grin widened further, a couple of stray tears falling down from her cheek. She nodded fervently, her hands on her lips. "Yes…. Yes! Yes! Yes, Derek!"

He stood up, hastily placing the ring on her finger before enveloping her in a bear hug, lifting her off the ground and twirling her. They were so caught up in their own world that they didn't notice the awwws that came from the crowd, followed by a thunderous applause of congratulations. They were too engrossed with each other to notice that the party was back in full swing and that not one person in the room was left untouched by the event that unfolded before their eyes.

"Did you mean it all?" she asked, her eyes still locked on his.

He nodded. "Every word, Dr. Shepherd." He leaned down and kissed her square on the lips, the kiss sensuous and passionate.

When they pulled apart, she smiled, sighing contentedly. "Thank you, Derek. For all of this."

"You're more than welcome, Addie. You deserve it all and more. I love you."

"I love you too. More than you'll ever know."

-

One month later

_Atty. Anthony Montgomery and Mrs. Beatrice Forbes,_

_Together with_

_Mrs. Carolyn Shepherd_

_Cordially invite you the nuptial of their children_

_Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery MD_

_And_

_Dr. Derek Christopher Shepherd MD_

_On Saturday, June 12, 2010,_

_4:00 in the afternoon_

_At the St. Patrick's Cathedral_

_In New York City, New York._

_This will be followed by a reception at the_

_Plaza Hotel, New York._

_RSVP_

-

Years later, they would think back to the events of those times as the turning point of their relationship. Seattle now signified more than just regret for them, but rebirth and renewal. It was there that they rediscovered their love for each other, where they learned to forgive, to forget, to love unconditionally, and where they pledged that until forever, no matter what life throws at them, they would always, always _hold on_.

* * *

Thank you for reading, everyone! :D :D _**ADDEK FOREVER**_! (I've been dying to write that invititation thing for a long while now. Hahaha. :D)


End file.
